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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:

Icimoi · 29/03/2015 23:07

Missdee. RTFT. There is a perfectly clear link to a legal precedent confirming that this was rape. Consent was withdrawn, the man carried on and used force to prevent the OP from moving away. That is rape, beyond any shadow of a doubt.

GunShotResidue · 29/03/2015 23:08

Missdee please read the links above. Legally it was rape. Your opinion is irrelevant and unhelpful.

I'm impressed with how quickly MN have deleted the ignorant posts on here, although slightly depressed at how many there have been.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 23:08

The repeated assertions that this is not rape which have cropped up from various posters just show how important the campaigns around rape myths are and how much work remains to be done. Fucking depressing though.

HelenaDove · 29/03/2015 23:09

YY Gun These attitudes seem to have spiralled in recent years The Fifty Shades Effect?

Gwenci · 29/03/2015 23:12

Completely, PeachyPants 'fucking depressing' is about the only term for it!

SewingAndCakes · 29/03/2015 23:17

I'd like to believe it's the same poster under different names but sadly I don't think it is. There really are people who, despite all the evidence to the contrary, come on to a thread to spout their ignorant views.

ilovelamp82 · 29/03/2015 23:23

What a horrible thing to happen. You seem very smart, realising you'll never be able to trust him again.

It's amazing what you start to realise about your relationship when one final incident makes you lift your rose tinted glasses.

I hope leaving him is as simple as possible for you. I take it you don"t live with him as you say he doesn't spend much time with you dc?

And yes to MAP as quickly as possible as the sooner you get it, the more effective it is.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 23:24

My first thought was that it was the same poster returning to goad but I don't think it is. I do wonder what MissDee2014 "Rape? Seriously?! Come on people this isn't rape" thinks is rape, probably that it's only a proper rape if it's carried out by a stranger in a dirt mac who jumps out of the bushes with a knife.

ilovelamp82 · 29/03/2015 23:25

Yes Peachypants. It's really sad. it makes you wonder how many women are putting up with things they shouldn't be because they don't understand where the line has been crossed.

nocoolnamesleft · 29/03/2015 23:26

Legally, this was rape. Morally, this was rape. The OP gave conditional consent to "penetrative vaginal intercourse up to, but not including, ejaculation". She did not give consent to being held down so that she couldn't move away as ejaculation took place. In fact, she very explicitly witheld consent to that act. If the guy thought he might not be able to stop at the mandated point, then he shouldn't have started.

If a woman decided to give a bloke a handjob, and then he held her down and vaginally raped her whilst she screamed "no, stop!", noone in their right mind would deny it was rape. This was rape too.

Cherry, of course you feel violated. That's because you were. You are most definitely not making a fuss over nothing. And he is trying to downplay and minimise. Ltb.

(Oh, and I happen to be prolife: if you're not ready for a baby, then get the MAP now. Far better to prevent pregnancy now than to have to agonise over a bigger decision later. If you weren't ready for a baby yet anyway, then having one conceived in rape...definitely no judgey pants here)

Gwenci · 29/03/2015 23:33

I got the impression that MissDee figured it wasn't rape because at the start of the encounter the OP had consented and everyone knows that once you've consented to 'sex', you've agreed you're up for absolutely anything the other person decides they want to do to you and and you can't change your mind and that was the choice you made when you agreed to 'sex.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 23:37

There's another thread now where a Mumsnetter has read this thread and is worried sick that she'll encounter attitudes like some of the ones on this thread when the man who raped her faces trial.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/03/2015 23:47

That's why the pull out method does not work, o.p. He clearly got lost in the moment. Not only that what about pre cum. Anyways. I don't think you need a biology lesson from me.
That said though what he did holding your arms down was abuse, some would say rape. He did something to your body that you did not want. I'm not surprised you're rethinking your relationship. I would be, too.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2015 23:48

missdee if op had consented to PIV sex but then he changed lanes without asking and when she tried to stop him he held her down and carried on...what would you call that ?

FreudiansSlipper · 29/03/2015 23:48

Op how terrible someone you love and have a trusting relationship does this to you :(

Really to those saying it is not rape does a woman not have the right to full autonomy over her body at all times

Of course she does and he could help it

fatlazymummy · 30/03/2015 00:10

It's not just women, freudian .We all have that right.

FreudiansSlipper · 30/03/2015 01:59

My response is to this thread that is quite clear flm let's not derail it as so often happens

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/03/2015 02:26

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Please ignore anything that's upsetting on here.

The last thing you need is awful comments on here. You've been violated in an awful way and even worse he's not even admitting what he did to you - he's expecting you just to accept that he gets to do stuff to you and you don't get to decide what happens to your own body. That's an utterly revolting thing to do.

FishWithABicycle · 30/03/2015 02:35

I hope you are OK tonight OP. Staying under the same roof as someone who violated you like that when you had previously thought they were someone you could love and trust must be awful.

knotswapper · 30/03/2015 03:29

I can't believe how quickly you understood the implications of this and how the abuse you have previously lived through/his abusive behaviour are all related. As soon as I read your OP I thought "I bet he's abusive" - his behaviour showed a clear desire to get what he wanted regardless of your wishes.

I really think you dodged a bullet there - if you'd had a child with him I'm sure his behaviour would have escalated.

PacificDogwood · 30/03/2015 07:42

Thinking of you today

FayKorgasm · 30/03/2015 08:13

I believe you Cherry

Please do look into the freedom programme.

MrsWembley · 30/03/2015 09:54

Hope you stay strong today.

Dawndonnaagain · 30/03/2015 09:55

kinkyfuckery · 30/03/2015 10:01

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