Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 29/03/2015 20:33

OP, you sound intelligent and level headed so I'm sure you will take the support from the thread and ignore the victim blamers. I too have never said LTB before, but I think you already know it's finished. Be strong, we are here for you. I think you can get the MAP from an out of hours clinic or pharmacy in such circumstances.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/03/2015 20:35

yes fluffy, the trouble seems to be too many people have put up with utter crap, from the same or multiple partners, they have lost track of what is decent and right. I am deeply saddened by the posters who say this sort of thing has happened to them and they appear to brush it off as "one of those things" rather than recognising they were raped, by someone they thought they could trust

Original poster
CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 20:39

I guess my perception of a healthy sexual relationship has been skewed because I have been abused and raped in the past. He knows this. The more I've been sitting thinking about it tonight the madder I get but everything about our relationship makes more sense when I realise how abusive he is. Not physically before last night but in other more manipulative ways. I am definitely finished with him.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 29/03/2015 20:41

He knows you were raped and abused, and still holds you down and does the same, Cherry, get out now!

Fluffyears · 29/03/2015 20:43

PHANTOM it scares me that these attitudes exist. So if their daughters came to them and said 'I asked him to stop but he didn't and I couldn't move away because he was holding me too tight!' They'd tell them that was normal.

Cherry please get rid as things may escalate now and you don't need that. MAP tomorrow ASAP and see Dr about maybe getting a coil inserted if they still advise that as emergency contraception. So sorry you seem to have met most of the scumbags on this planet.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 20:45

Abuse takes many forms, the insidious controlling and undermining of confidence messes with your boundaries and makes you doubt yourself. Hope you can get away from this horrible person, we're all rooting for you. Flowers

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/03/2015 20:45

I know fluff, and as the mother of 2 teenage DDs it scares the crap out of me wondering who they might meet.

GunShotResidue · 29/03/2015 20:46

Cherry I'm so glad you've decided it's over, I hope this thread gives you strength if you start doubting yourself. You have lots of support here.

Gralick · 29/03/2015 20:49

I realise how abusive he is. Not physically before last night but in other more manipulative ways. I am definitely finished with him.

Flowers Wise woman! Flowers

SisterMoonshine · 29/03/2015 20:51

Can you still get the morning after pill at A&E?

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2015 20:52

Glad you have binned him, Cherry. Abusive men often show you who they really are after about 2 years, because they think you are sufficiently committed to the relationship/sufficiently ground down by the lower-level abuse they have previously perpetrated that you won't leave. You sound smart and strong, and I wish you all the best.
(And if this disgusting man won't leave you alone, you can threaten to press charges for rape as well as stalking/harassment if he makes a nuisance of himself.)

JacquesHammer · 29/03/2015 20:54

Cherry - you're wise and brave. So sorry this has happened to you Flowers

As for "it can't be rape, FFS, she was on top" words absolutely and utterly fail me

MrsWembley · 29/03/2015 20:55

It's the subtle manipulation and passive aggressive behaviour to make you do what they want that is possibly more scary, as it leaves women (can I say people?) unsure of themselves and the situation and, eventually, locked into an ever decreasing circle of hideousness.

Glad to hear you say that you're finished with him. Have you phoned or sent a message?

CalleighDoodle · 29/03/2015 21:00

Personally if you can id go to a&e for MAP now. Explaining the forced nature if needs be. Horrendous thing to do to a partner. Or dont pharmacies sell it now? Some have long opening hours.

MsJudgementalPants · 29/03/2015 21:00

Is reproduction coercion rape regardless of the gender of the guilty party?

crje · 29/03/2015 21:01

Just re read my post Blush

Had been reading through and some had said it was op was held down by her arms. It was a stupid thing to clarify, I thought it would save op the having to do it .

I'm sorry op.

Original poster
CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 21:03

MrsWembley you're so right. If he hadn't got into my head so much before this I wouldn't even have questioned getting rid of him. I'm so glad I came here for advice. All my life the men that I've been around have mistreated me and knowing I'm not alone makes me determined to break the cycle.

I've texted him, and also a friend. She had no idea he was like this and said she will be on standby if anything kicks off tonight as she lives close by (and has a huge scary husband)

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 21:04

No MrsJudgementalPants, under UK law only a man can commit a rape.

Gralick · 29/03/2015 21:05

MsJP, yes. It is not a specific crime in the UK although there are other laws that could cover it. Presumably the person would have to cause an actual pregnancy before it could be raised.

OP's case is legally rape.

Littlefish · 29/03/2015 21:08

Cherry - Women's aid do an excellent series of courses. One is called the "freedom programme", and one is called "staying free". You might find it interesting to look into them when you are feeling a little stronger.

Chocolatebreadcrumbs · 29/03/2015 21:08

Go to OOH and get the MAP- pop outside, and ring 111, and get an appointment tonight, if you can at all, otherwise see your GP tomorrow, and make sure the receptionist knows it absolutely is urgent for today, and if they have no appointments, you need a call back.

It was rape.

To those focussing on withdrawal as a method of contraception- used correctly, it's about as effective as a diaphragm and spermicide- would you tell her she was irresponsible for using that, if hormonal contraception didn't suit, for example? www.patient.co.uk/doctor/contraception-general-overview The method of contraception is not the issue here. There is legal precedent- this IS RAPE.

SonnyJimBob · 29/03/2015 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gralick · 29/03/2015 21:12

JimBob, at 20:27 I posted a legal link and an extract from the judgement on a case where the complainant had agreed to sex on condition that the defendant did not ejaculate inside her. He was found guilty of rape.

Whether you agree or not, it was rape.

fatlazymummy · 29/03/2015 21:13

sonnyjinbob it doesn't matter if you agree or not. The law says it was rape, and the OP can report it to the police if she wants/feels able to.

JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 21:14

It doesn't matter if you agree SonnyJimBob, the law states that it was.