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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/03/2015 18:27

My god he just doesent get it, does hi Angry. After that, noway would I want anything to do with him, let alone a child.

SoonToBeMrsB · 30/03/2015 18:28

Yes, he is deliberately misunderstanding. His wording also makes it sound like he definitely was trying to get you pregnant by doing what he did.

Either way, he is a scumbag.

SoonToBeMrsB · 30/03/2015 18:31

I've just read your last post again and I'm genuinely furious for you, OP. This man is horribly manipulative and trying to downplay his terrible behaviour by making you look like the bad one. Please don't back down on this!

PerpendicularVincenzo · 30/03/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 30/03/2015 18:37

No, he's not misunderstanding

He's manipulating and gaslighting you.

What you are supposed to do now is apologise for causing him to doubt you, beg his forgiveness and stfu.

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show themselves.

I'd say he's working to the standard script.

Trust me, this is the best he's ever going to be. It's downhill with every passing second and he'll take you down with him.

You MUST end this right now, and never allow him space in your life again.

You know what he did. HE knows what he did.

Please save yourself from further violation and abuse? End it today.

Apologies if you have said already that you will, I'm short of time and have been thinking about you all day

Huge hugs xxx

PilchardPrincess · 30/03/2015 18:39

Oh crikey.

I know you've been with him a long time so it's hard to just ditch someone and walk - you feel like you own them explanations and stuff and the whole thing can be a total headfuck.

Thing is you know he is manipulative, that is an incredibly nasty text, just try not to engage, you are doing the right thing, and there are lots of people here if you need us Smile

Hissy · 30/03/2015 18:40

Denial

Minimisation

Blame

The key stones to an abusive personality.

HelenaDove · 30/03/2015 18:46

Cherry he is manipulating and gaslighting you as Hissy has said With a bit of emotional blackmail thrown in.

Id take that text as a confession of reproductive coercion and if it were me thats what id text him back with although its probably better to just ignore this piece of shit.

I once had an ex say to me "Id love you even more if you had my child" And he said this after knowing that i never wanted/want DC.

He also said if i wanted i could come off the injection and we could just use condoms. All sorts of alarm bells went off I stayed on the injection at the time but i ended the relationship the following year. I had visions of him puncturing the condoms with drawing pins. Especially when he said he was willing to buy condoms while being a tightwad over everything else.

If he keeps harassing you report him to the police. Thanks

PacificDogwood · 30/03/2015 19:13

Oh, he understands just fine… Hmm

I agree, minimisation, misdirection, 'all your fault'.

Thanks to you, Cherry, you're doing so well.

GunShotResidue · 30/03/2015 19:16

You are 100% not overreacting. Don't let him make you doubt yourself for even a second. You deserve a thousand times better than him. Flowers

DustBunnyFarmer · 30/03/2015 19:36

Just ignore him. If he doesn't get what did was a complete betrayal of trust (and rape), it's not your job to educate him - although you could always offer to report it to the Police so they can come round and explain the Sexual Offences Act to him. Also, you have a perfectly legitimate right to express your needs (i.e. to not want to be going out with him anymore) - how he feels about it is not your concern. Seriously, don't get sucked back in. Of course, he's misunderstanding on purpose. He wants to keep the dialogue open so he can wear you down some more. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Eigg · 30/03/2015 19:50
Angry

How could he have ever have loved you if he had no respect for your right to have control over your own body?

Gralick · 30/03/2015 20:46

I'm going to suggest he does misunderstand. But it's not a good thing ...
I might be wrong. Doesn't matter really.
At a guess, his thinking process (if you can call it 'thinking') goes like this:

I will have a child with Cherry. This will make me feel like a normal, happy family man. As a bonus, Cherry will find it much harder to leave me. Both she and the baby will be here for me whatever happens.

Cherry doesn't want to get pregnant. Whoo-hoo, she's run out of condoms! Now's my chance!
I will inseminate Cherry tonight.

What? She's trying to get off! No, no, baby, stay here ... STAY HERE while it happens. Aaaah.

She's pissed off. Never mind, with any luck she's pregnant.

Fuck, she's overplaying this, isn't she? All I wanted was to make her have a happy family! She's ruined my plans for her. She should be happy I deigned to impregnate her!

... The important part being his plans for you. It wouldn't be too surprising if he's genuinely never thought of you as having agency over your own body & future. Because he sees your body as his, and your future as his.

Like I say, I might be wrong. The obvious thing to do is ignore him, in any case.

maliaki · 30/03/2015 22:18

How could he say he loves you when he's:

Raped you
Tried to get you pregnant
Refused to accept what he's done
Minimised what he's done
Tried to guilt and manipulate you
Betrayed your trust

He isn't misunderstanding you. If he can guilt and manipulate you into being unsure and feeling like you are in the wrong then in his mind he has been exonerated, which is why he's doing this now. He knows what he's done, he just doesn't see it as wrong.

HelenaDove · 30/03/2015 22:25

I think Gralick has it Male entitlement basically.

Penfold007 · 30/03/2015 22:25

Please get the morning after pill. It's rape how you go from here is up to you.

zipzap · 30/03/2015 22:30

I'd be strongly tempted to reply to his text 'how could you ever say you loved me and then go on to rape me?'

He's deliberately misunderstanding and is using attack as his best form of defence - because he doesn't think of himself as a rapist - he hasn't jumped out of a bush and dragged off some stranger - and he doesn't want to even think about the possibility that he might be. Hmm

Did you say to him at the time that you were going to get the MAP? Just wondering what his reaction was to that - if he seriously did get carried away in the moment then he should have been suggesting you getting the MAP pretty soon once he'd realised what had happened (giving him a huge benefit of the doubt). If he's done anything to make it difficult for you to get it or moaned about you getting it then it's another pointer that he did this on purpose SadAngry

Relieved to see that this has been enough to make you end it with him - have some Flowers and many wishes that you find somebody lovely when you are ready to!

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 30/03/2015 22:35

Well done Cherry sweetheart .
You are an amazing role model for your DC.

FreudiansSlipper · 30/03/2015 23:09

he shall no doubt continue to pretend to misunderstand what has happened, then there will probably be blaming you then he will pretend to be sad and if that does not work he will suddenly realise what a loser he has been and will start with the tears

he will be aware of what he is doing as he always has been

really it is best not to engage with him unless you absolutely have to over practical matter and keep it at that

its is so easy to get caught in that trap of trying to understand his reason and get pulled in we often want a reason to help us understand, staying looking forward to a life without him you are doing great

Lilmissconcerned · 30/03/2015 23:11

I don't know technically from a criminal point of view how it should be termed but I think the consensus here is of the same opinion as you. It's totally understandable that it was upsetting and left you feeling violated.

I know how I'd feel in that situation and I feel trust had been broken given conversations in the past. Reading it left me with a bad / sicky feeling.

I don't often like to offer a verdict on these things and often I'm more of a reader than a poster but, in this case I felt you needed the support in how you are feeling being justified xxxx

I'm afraid if it were me I would be leaving that relationship, but that's easy for me to say xxx I'm just so sorry it happened to you its truely horrible xxx

HelenaDove · 30/03/2015 23:46

Freudian is right My ex tried the tears thing too.

OneMillionScovilles · 31/03/2015 00:02

OP, I confess that for once I haven't RTFT - just first 3 and last pages. So sorry that this happened to you, esp with someone you trusted implicitly. Sorry also that it seems that you've been subjected to some victim-blaming here.

This was rape, and irrespective of the pregnancy risk it was a completely unacceptable thing to do. I hope you're okay and you have plenty of RL support.

PM me if you want a random anonymous ear. (Full disclosure - I would personally LTB - but it's no one's decision but yours...)

Really hope you're ok x

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 02:11

He definitely wanted to impregnate you, but it's not about wanting to be a father, it's about wanting to mark you as territory and have ownership and control over you.
Either ignore or send him a text which says 'You are dumped. Do not contact me again or I will make a complaint against you for harassment.'

Keep your chin up, you are so much better than him.

Crocodopolis · 31/03/2015 06:53

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Mostlyjustaluker · 31/03/2015 07:15

Cherry you are very strong and I admire that.

I don't get other poster who keep saying from a legal point of view I don't know if it is rape. She said no, he held onto her arms so she could not escape and put his penis into her vagina. Of course this is rape.