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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:
sosix · 29/03/2015 18:46

Map and long think

Seriouslyffs · 29/03/2015 18:46

That was rape.
Flowers

TheWhiteRoad · 29/03/2015 18:46

And yes it is rape. You did not want him to ejaculate inside you. He knew that. And then he physically restrained you and did it anyway.

You must leave this man. Are you ok OP?

minkGrundy · 29/03/2015 18:47

You cannot trust him OPSad

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 18:47

I think it is rape, I also think that there's the suggestion that he did this to try and get you pregnant against your will adds another horrible dimension. Do you live with him, are you safe at the moment?

XiCi · 29/03/2015 18:47

Oh god Op, I'm so sorry, that is horrendous
Take the MAP
And start seriously thinking about how you can leave this man. Its likely that this is going to happen again

weeblueberry · 29/03/2015 18:47

Absolutely not okay. I never say this but LTB. He'll no doubt trot out some line about not being able to help himself but that is bullshit quite frankly.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 18:48

It was rape SadAngry

Get the MAP as soon as you can - the sooner after unprotected intercourse the more effective it is. Ring your OOH service.
The MAP does have a failure rate, so if you have not bled within 3 weeks of taking it, do a pregnancy test. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this shit.

JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 18:48

Poor you OP. I don't know how you could ever have sex with him again after that.

Firedemon · 29/03/2015 18:48

Utterly, utterly appalling.

I hope you now see him for the person he is?

TheWhiteRoad · 29/03/2015 18:48

MAP needs to be taken within 72 hours OP.

Grumpyrealist77 · 29/03/2015 18:49

Disgusting behaviour.
Has he attempted to laugh it off as in he didn't mean anything by it (which is inexcusable and horrible) or has he been cold-hearted about it?
The prior would mean at least he should get a bollocking and told never to do it again.
The latter would mean an end to the relationship/possible complaint to police.
If I were you...

Jackieharris · 29/03/2015 18:49

Map & ltb.

Eigg · 29/03/2015 18:49

MAP and LTB.

I have never told a woman onMN to LTB before.

This is really, really serious.

There is no return from this.

MyIronLung · 29/03/2015 18:52

Bloody hell op, that's awful. All he's done is prove to you that you can't trust his word. It sounds like he's quite set on having a child, and soon. When you get some more condoms I'd make sure he's not tampering with them. Personally, If I was you I wouldn't be giving him the chance.
Good luck with the MAP
Flowers

Original poster
CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:52

Honestly I hadn't considered rape. I've been raped 3 times in my life and it didn't feel like rape, but a huge huge violation of my trust. That's not to say anyone who has been in a similar situation isn't entitled to call it rape though.

Either way, I think I have to leave him don't I? I just know it's going to be hard. Not because I don't want to. I don't see how I could ever trust him now. But he makes me feel like I'm making a huge deal over nothing.

OP posts:
MyIronLung · 29/03/2015 18:54

You are most definitely not making a huge deal out of nothing! I completely agree with LTB. I've never said that on here before.

HelenaDove · 29/03/2015 18:54

You asked him to stop and he didnt Thats rape.

The terminology for him wanting to get you pregnant against your will is reproductive coercion. Is he controlling and abusive in other ways?

Oh.....and LTB

drbonnieblossman · 29/03/2015 18:55

Not rape.

But a shocking and dreadful thing to do. Morning after pill. Then end the relationship.

TheWhiteRoad · 29/03/2015 18:56

Yes I think you do need to leave him. There is no coming back from this.

TooTiredToThinkOfAUsername · 29/03/2015 18:56

So sorry OP.

It is rape. There was legal precedent set in the case of a husband and wife (I believe...) and a recent thread re similar situ on MN.

Get the morning after pill, try to find someone in RL to help support you, get rid of 'd'p and consider some counselling.

I hope things get better for you Flowers

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 18:56

The fact that he makes you feel like your making a huge deal out of nothing when he has done THIS is another very good reason to leave.

ClimbingPenguin · 29/03/2015 18:56

If you can get the MAP today is I would. There should be a duty pharmacy open somewhere. I left it 24 hours ago and it did not work.

Sorry about what happened

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 18:57

Penetration by penis without consent = rape.
It's really v simple.

Only you can decide where you go from here, but I'd struggle with an ongoing relationship with this man.
Get the MAP tonight - the earlier you take it, the more effective it is. 72 hrs is the maximum length of time it can be given in - thereafter the copper coil is an option (5 days). Get it tonight.