To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

[CherryFlavourPez]

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

Very similar to the Swedish Julian Assange allegations. She had consented to sex the night before with a condom. Then in the morning he did it again without one, allegedly - not yet proven in that case.

Have not read the whole thread - has the poster taken the morning after pill?

Thankyou everyone for concern and support. Last night was pretty stressful but I went to my local chemist first thing this morning and have taken the morning after pill. I pray it works.

I have only just caught up with this thread.

I believe you, Cherry.

Am so pleased you have taken the MAP & am amazed at your strength in leaving this vile man.

Some of the posts on here have been unreal & I hope they have not upset you.

I've shed more tears over the lovely comments (for the right reasons). Just reading the words 'I believe you' has meant so much to me.

Having had rape counselling in the past I thought I was pretty clued up and confident but I now see I have a way to go still. You all gave me the confirmation I needed. My friends have always assured me our arguments are normal relationship stuff because they just don't see the underhand stuff he does or says from the outside. My gut knew something wasn't right I just didn't have the confidence.

Good luck OP.

This is the second thread I've seen recently where Niamhisnotarealname has gone door-to-door offending everyone. Either you are hideously ignorant, Niamh, or you just love getting your big spoon out to stir the pot.

OP, definitely trust your instincts here. What he did was a massive violation of trust, it was absolutely rape and you owe him nothing.

Don't listen to what other people say is "normal", only you know what is normal and acceptable for you.

Instincts are there for a reason, trust them. Yes of course we believe you. He was not even sorry. He used his power, to get what he wanted from you, he did not respect you, love you or care for you, whatever your 'friends', think, it is not normal.

Yes this is definitely within the legal definition of rape (withdrawal of consent, lack of reasonable belief in continued consent). Please don't stay with this man. Good luck and to you.

(((((( soft Hugs))))) OP

You are stronger than you believe.

I am sorry this happened to you OP, what a violation.

I agree with this post from SoonToBe :

OP, definitely trust your instincts here. What he did was a massive violation of trust, it was absolutely rape and you owe him nothing.

Don't listen to what other people say is "normal", only you know what is normal and acceptable for you.

Good luck

Well done OP. I too hope your MAP works.

this is a blog that was doing the rounds a while ago for all those apologists who refuse to understand consent. (sorry if it's been posted already).

rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/2015/03/02/consent-not-actually-that-complicated/

Oof, only read the first page. I'm someone who tries to steer the husbands and boyfriends away from drama on here, but not much I can do to this one. Very much out of order and not acceptable.

I don't use these terms as usual, but that's a red flag, controlling behaviour that will only get worse

Further to that and skim reading more, Sympathies with the OP, but sounds like her head is on right over this and she will make the right decision.

In terms of the rape debate. Pretty clear this falls under that definition legallY. Twisting AFs post a page or so back, I don't see this as any different to a situation where you agreed to have 'normal' sex and the partner decided mid flow he wanted anal sex and forced things physically accordingly. That's rape, this isn't different.

"Coercion to pregnancy" is a different situation though. If it's true that a man can be prosecuted for rape because shes agreed to non-fertilising intercourse and he's made it fertilising (for want of better words) then it does seem wrong that there isn't similar consequences for a female that claims to have taken contraception but hasn't.

Sorry to turn your real life challenge into a debating point op, I just hadn't thought about this before

There are still a lot of people who think bad, stupid, damaging things about heterosexual relationships. Predominantly, this stuff is about believing that women not only need to be in a relationship with a man but that they need to accept bad behaviour (such as coercion, selfishness, destructive criticism, unwanted sexual advances, etc) because 'that's what men are like' ie women exist for men's benefit and should accept this.
Cherry, your friends are possibly the sort of people who just want things to run along smoothly, and are uneasy about relationship breakups because in their mindset, the world should be full of contented, stable couples - even when some of those couples consist of an abusive man and a woman who is being badly mistreated by him - as long as appearances are kept up.
I wish you all the best. Hopefully your MAP will work and/or you were not at a fertile time of the month when this disgusting man abused you.

I'm glad you've been able to get the MAP. You sound so strong, and you have so many people behind you on here

I love the tea metaphor linked below. In this case it would be saying you'll have some tea but wont finish it, and then having the rest of it poured down your throat. The posters claiming is not rape are saying that's perfectly ok as you drunk some of the tea. Beyond ridiculous.

It's a good metaphor (well, no it's horrible but it's an effective metaphor).

Cherry

Well done for leaving him. He sounds like an abusive bully.

Look after yourself and your DC.

stay strong Cherry you are well rid of him love, you are worth so much more

I'm sorry to hear that some idiotic comments on here have affected someone who is now worried about her own rape case, but hopefully many others will have had their eyes opened to the reality too - that rape is rape regardless of whether you know the person, or have previously had sex with them, and that even MID ACT if you say stop and they continue, then that is still rape.

Just wanted to say hope you are doing better today and wishing you well.

Cherry Hope you are feeling better today.

I'm so grateful for everybody's kind thoughts. He's still adamant that I'm overreacting and sent me a text asking how could I ever have said I loved him when I'm so angry at the thought of having a child with him. I don't know if he's misunderstanding me on purpose or not.

Yes, he is deliberately misunderstanding