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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:
Grumpyrealist77 · 29/03/2015 19:20

No problems with liking that 'sort of thing', NIAMH, but the OP clearly doesn't.
The OP would be partly responsible if she were to be pregnant, but she's not responsible for being sexually abused. You are, as you 'like that sort of thing'.
Have some self respect, grow a brain, etc...

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 19:20

It's not a matter of agreeing with 'the masses', it's a matter of law.

When you're in a whole, Niamh, stop digging.
And 'Niamh' is a lovely name, acterly, dear.

FanFuckingTastic · 29/03/2015 19:22

Being forced to do anything sexually, no matter whether you have consented to something else is a violation and rape. I am horrified for you OP, I've been there and it's not part of a healthy, loving relationship, forcing your partner. Trust is so important, and I don't think in your position I'd be able to trust him again, sexual activity of any kind would be so unpleasant with these memories attached to the act, and the fact that he hasn't been completely horrified by his behaviour too is just wrong.

Look after yourself a bit, and seek some support in dealing with this. x

BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 29/03/2015 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaMyBags · 29/03/2015 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SideOrderofChips · 29/03/2015 19:23

I've reported Niamh too. Nasty bit of victim blaming there

Aeroflotgirl · 29/03/2015 19:23

Niamh it is rape, the moment he held her down so she could not escape, and carried on, and ignored her when she protested. Op get the morning after pill, LTB and go to the Police.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 19:24

Oh crap, hole Blush

GunShotResidue · 29/03/2015 19:25

Luckily your opinion is irrelevant here Niamh as rape is defined by law, not opinion. Proof has been posted that this can be considered rape.

Flowers OP, no advice but I'm sorry you're in this crappy situation

MrsDutchie · 29/03/2015 19:26

It must be very dreary seeing the world in black and white.

Sorry, shouldn't feed. OP - do you have any idea what you will do? Please draw strength from this.

Littlefish · 29/03/2015 19:28

Please don't allow Cherry's thread to be de-railed by an the idiotic poster. Cherry was receiving great support and advice and I would hate her to stay away because of what's now being written.

Please just try and ignore the ignorant comments and don't reply to them.

slithytove · 29/03/2015 19:28

Ive consented to sex with DH.
During it, I've asked him to stop.
Because he isn't a rapist, he does stop.

Rapists continue against someone's will.

niamh what if she had asked him to stop because she was in pain, but he held her down then too? Would that still be ok or her fault cos she consented to sex originally?

Mostlyjustaluker · 29/03/2015 19:28

cherry the earlier you take the MAP the more effective it is. Often maternity wards/hospital gyn wards can give it out after chemist hours you just need to give them a ring.

I am sorry this has happened to you but this is definitely rape. You said you did not want to continue and pulled away, you removed consent and he held you down and and inserted his penis in your vagina. In legal terms this is rape.

irretating · 29/03/2015 19:28

OP, I really think you ought to reconsider your relationship with this bloke, or to put it another way - LTB. No relationships is better than a relationship with a horrible manipulative man who doesn't respect you.

FryOneFatManic · 29/03/2015 19:29

Niamh I'm not paying attention to the masses, I'm paying attention to the law.

A person can withdraw consent to sex at any time. The OP withdrew her consent, and he forced her to carry on by holding her arms. This means it is rape. Not an opinion, just a matter of the legal definition.

Take your victim blaming elsewhere.

OP Thanks I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. You can't trust him any more.

MrsDutchie · 29/03/2015 19:29

1-(1) A person (A) commits an offence if— (a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,(b) B does not consent to the penetration - clearly she didn't consent to THAT penetration, and(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents - clearly he knew she didn't agree as he held her down.

Sexual Offences Act 2003.

slithytove · 29/03/2015 19:29

Sorry op. Ltb, even without the rape he doesn't sound like a keeper.

Mostlyjustaluker · 29/03/2015 19:31

Niamh yes the legal definition and consent is taught is school. I even taught it last week.

Niamhisnotarealname · 29/03/2015 19:32

This reply has been deleted

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JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 19:35

If you rape someone once, you are a rapist Niamh.

HTH.

XiCi · 29/03/2015 19:35

Niamh lots of people use the withdrawal method as a contraceptive, whether you think it's reliable or not. Does this mean they all deserve to be held down and impregnated against their will?
Please stop derailing and let the OP get the advice she needs.

Branleuse · 29/03/2015 19:36

the longer you leave it to take the MAP the less effective it is. Make sure you go to the chemist first thing in the morning

He is a total cunt for doing that to you.

Rinoachicken · 29/03/2015 19:36

Another here who has reported niamh

OP please be gentle with yourself, you are NOT to blame in any way. He is the only one responsible for his actions. Flowers

SewingAndCakes · 29/03/2015 19:37

It makes him a rapist because he raped her, as explained by many posters. OP please distance yourself from this man and look after yourself Flowers

crje · 29/03/2015 19:37

The op was on top, so not held down but held on ( just to clarify not defend)

He can't be trusted, get the map & dump him.