Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel violated and so so angry with boyfriend.

322 replies

CherryFlavourPez · 29/03/2015 18:36

NC for this so I don't out myself.

My 'D'P and I have been together for 2 years, I have a DC from a previous relationship who is 3. We are both still young and I've made it clear I don't want any more DC for a long time, preferably when I'm married.

'D'P has always seemed to understand and respect this but has had thoughts of wanting a baby that he has expressed to me. My answer has always been 'not yet'.

Well last night we were about to have sex when I realised we were out of condoms. He said it would be alright, he'd pull out and he was sure it would be fine just this once. I obliged (I know, please don't judge me). When it got to that 'time' for him I could tell it was going to happen so went to move off of him and he held my arms so I couldn't and didn't pull out.

I was and still am really really angry. He says he couldn't help it but I just don't believe him. I tried to move and he wouldn't let me. I've been so upset all day, I'm so mad that he would purposely take that risk when it wasn't what we had agreed. He has no idea how difficult raising a child is so I don't think he understands how serious the situation is.

AIBU to be so upset and angry and be seriously rethinking our relationship?

OP posts:
crazylady12 · 29/03/2015 19:09

My ex did this often I know I was stupid for not using contraception I goy pregnant as a result I love my daughter but it still wasn't my choice but a manipulative man can fuck up your head, I think for you and your child you need to get away you can't trust him and he can't Respect you in something so intimate, you deserve better.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2015 19:09

Get rid of this shitbag immediately. He's abusive and will get worse. His desire for 'a baby' is all about bringing you under control.
You mention that he is not much involved in your existing child's life which suggests he doesn't live with you - excellent. You can cut him out of your life immediately.
If either of you have any belongings at each other's houses, arrange to hand them over in a public place and take a friend with you if possible (though bear in mind that if he has anything of yours he may decide to destroy/dispose of it as a way of punishing you for dumping him)

Otherwise send him a text or email along the lines of 'After your behaviour last night I can no longer trust you and therefore the relationship is over. Do not contact me again.'
And don't feel bad about it: he's a woman-hating shitbag.

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 19:11

She may have agreed to have sex without contraception but she also made it clear that it was on the condition that he would not ejaculate inside her (whether this is a reliable method of contraception is irrelevant here). She also then realised he wasn't going to respect this and tried to stop sex at which point he held onto her arms to stop her moving away and ejaculated inside her. Agreeing to have sex without contraception is not a carte blanche to do what ever he wanted to her.

Niamhisnotarealname · 29/03/2015 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ByTheWishingWell · 29/03/2015 19:11

Of course it's rape. He held the OP down and continued to have sex with her after she tried to escape. It really couldn't be much clearer.

Cherry, I'm so sorry you went through this. Please get yourself the MAP and away from this man. Flowers

KateBeckett · 29/03/2015 19:12

Really niamh , a goady username AND blaming someone for being raped?

You're a delight, aren't you? Hmm

HelenaDove · 29/03/2015 19:13

Theres been a real Stepfordesque element on these boards in the past several months.

Grumpyrealist77 · 29/03/2015 19:13

Your husband would hold your arms down, NIAMH?????

JanineStHubbins · 29/03/2015 19:14

How on earth is this rape?

Legal ruling here. But I suspect you're not interested in that, are you? You just want to spout bile.

Niamhisnotarealname · 29/03/2015 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 19:15

Niamh, inform yourself before you spout shite on a thread like this Hmm

ahbollocks · 29/03/2015 19:15

First time ever for me, and I will gladly take the ban.
But niamh, on behalf of many people on this thread; you need to shut the fuck up, youre a victim blaming goady twat.

Niamhisnotarealname · 29/03/2015 19:15

Possibly grumpy we like that sort of thing.

MrsDutchie · 29/03/2015 19:16

Lesson learnt pacificdogwood Grin

GoGiYerHeedAWobble · 29/03/2015 19:16

It's rape because she withdrew consent and he held her down regardless.

The op agreeing to sex isn't a licence for him to do whatever he wants to her.

I can't believe anyone in this day and age still has these medieval attitudes to a woman's right to consent to what happens to her own body Angry

PeachyPants · 29/03/2015 19:17

CherryFlavourPez I hope you can hold on to the fact that 99% of posts are supportive and not dwell on the utter shit being posted by one poster. You are not to blame for what he did.

BigPawsBrown · 29/03/2015 19:17

Of course it's rape.consent is an ongoing thing. If at any point during sex you say no, they have to stop. Holding your arms down to carry on (no matter his aim) is rape.

MrsDutchie · 29/03/2015 19:18

Yes you are entitled to an opinion but that doesn't mean you should use it when it's clearly unhelpful.

BuffyEpistemiwhatsit · 29/03/2015 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minkGrundy · 29/03/2015 19:18

matters not as far as I am concerned

Just as well it is not your opinion that matters then. It's the law.
And this is not a thread about contraception. It is a thread where the OP says she feels violated by an abuse of her trust.

And contraception is taught in schools. as is consent. Perhaps you could do with a bit of revision on the subject niamh.

PacificDogwood · 29/03/2015 19:18

Consent can be withdrawn at any point.
In the OP's case she had stated quite clearly what she had wanted/not wanted.
He held her down when he was about to ejaculate = rape.

MrsDutschie GrinThanks

StackladysMorphicResonator · 29/03/2015 19:19

That's rape. Seriously, what is the matter with this waste-of-space excuse for a human being? LTB.

However, please please remember that you can get pregnant through bareback sex even if your partner doesn't ejaculate inside you - if you don't want a child, please don't take the risk (although this doesn't shift the 100% blame from him at all - what he did was unacceptable).

Flowers Be strong. Do you really want your child around a jackass like him?

FryOneFatManic · 29/03/2015 19:19

Niamh, it's not about the contraception, so you can cut that crap out.

It's about the fact the he held her to stop her getting away when she tried. That's the real issue, and plenty of people on here are clear that this is rape, as legally defined.

Niamhisnotarealname · 29/03/2015 19:19

Ah dear, hounded for not agreeing with the masses. I can post what I like (within talk guidelines) and no, I will not shut the fuck up. But thanks for the suggestion ahbollocks

calmexterior · 29/03/2015 19:19

niamh no, ok it's not a reliable contraceptive method but it's the one that was agreed on. If you can't be supportive why not get your kicks somewhere else tonight.

Swipe left for the next trending thread