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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't tell me where my baby is

117 replies

sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:25

Huge back story which some people might remember but I'm separated from my husband due to his behaviour and starting a relationship with some other woman.

This weekend I suggested he had our son overnight as he spends very little time together but said I was unhappy about him staying at the GF's house as I haven't met her yet and I'm not ready to.

Husband collected our son at midday but refused to tell me where he was going to take him. I have sent him a few messages throughout the day which have all been ignored until I got a reply saying that he was asleep.

Am I overreacting to want to know where my baby has been for the last 10 hours or where he is sleeping tonight?

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 28/03/2015 22:27

I'm not quite sure why you agreed to him having your son overnight?

Methe · 28/03/2015 22:28

Yanbu.

If I didn't know where my baby was I'd be calling the police.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 28/03/2015 22:28

YANBU.

It must be awful not knowing where he is. Im sure posters will be along to offer some sensible advice as if be going bat shit right now Flowers

Starlightbright1 · 28/03/2015 22:29

How old is baby?

I would not be happy however if my baby was going overnight I would want to know where before letting him go

Sirzy · 28/03/2015 22:29

I'm not sure encouraging overnight contact is the best idea if you don't trust him.

Bug yanbu to want some idea as to where he is.

Starlightbright1 · 28/03/2015 22:30

I don't think this is a police matter as he is with his Dad with her permission

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2015 22:31

If he had PR (he will) then no he doesn't have to tell you, just like you don't have to
Tell him where his child is every minute of the day - you don't do you?

How old is the child?

WayfaringStranger · 28/03/2015 22:31

Call the police.

Micah · 28/03/2015 22:32

Why did you let him take your son after he refused to tell you where he was going?

You with trust this man to look after your child, or you don't. If you dont, don't allow him unsupervised access.

Akire · 28/03/2015 22:34

It's normal feel upset by his lovely carer of information, but he's probable not saying because he's at his girlfriends which he knows will not go down well, so he prefers not to lie. Unless you a worried about baby's safety and I'm guessing you wouldn't have let him go if you were. There's not much you go do. Annoying as it might be, hugs.

StandoutMop · 28/03/2015 22:34

I understand why you feel unnerved but it was your idea he have him, so presumably you are confident he can look after your ds?

So, as you have no reason to think your son is at risk, it doesn't matter where he is, so long as he is with his dad does it?

I'd be cross if my dc's dad wanted to know where I was and what I was doing with the DC when away from him. It must be hard for you, but unless you tell him where you are with ds at all times, why should he do it?

LilQueenie · 28/03/2015 22:35

dont let him stay with him overnight again seeing as he wont give you info. He would tell you if he didnt have something to hide.

WayfaringStranger · 28/03/2015 22:35

Actually, think I may have even too hasty, can you share a bit of the back story to give some context?

DeeCayed · 28/03/2015 22:36

As hard as it is for you and I'd feel the same! I agree with LaurieFairyCake

BunnyCake · 28/03/2015 22:41

I'd assume as he is not telling you that it's because he is with the girlfriend

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 28/03/2015 22:41

Did he not know what his plans were or did he point-blank refuse to tell you? If the latter, I would have cancelled the arrangement.

Whatever the reasonableness of it, I would be pretty frantic if I didn't know where my baby was, to be honest.

Buttercupsandaisies · 28/03/2015 22:42

You are married so presume he has parental responsibility. Unless there are specific reasons for concern (presume not since you encouraged overnight contact), then he can take child were he wants and to see whom he wants.

I know that must be awful for you, given the situation but long term, you can't refuse him contact and no court will specify that his gf can't be there. Sorry but it sound like he hasn't told you as he knows you'll say no contact. As of were married I don't think you should refuse contact just because of the fact he is with his gf...that's not your decision. Don't mean to sound harsh at all. It sounds a terrible situation but long term, something which you'll need to accept.

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:43

He's 15 months. I suggested STBEH had our son overnight as he doesn't spend much time with him and thought he'd be with his mother (my son's grandmother) but I'm worried he's staying with the girlfriend who I haven't met.

Is calling the police an overreaction as I literally have no idea where she lives, except a large town in Devon.

OP posts:
Buttercupsandaisies · 28/03/2015 22:45

You can't call police as he's with his dad who has equal right to have him as you do. I'm not even sure if they do anything as no one parent has more right than the other.

Must be so hard though :(

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:46

One of the threads I've posted before:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2291838-Massive-backstory-but-would-you-LTB

OP posts:
Littlefish · 28/03/2015 22:46

Does your husband have parental responsibility?

If so, I suspect that there isn't anything you can do unless he fails to return your ds at the pre-arranged time. He is the child's father and you have given him permission to have your son overnight.

CountingThePennies · 28/03/2015 22:46

Does he have parental responsibility?

If he does and there is no court order then there is nothing the police can do

OP posts:
cashewnutty · 28/03/2015 22:48

If your ex has PR then he has every right to take his child wherever he sees fit. He doesn't have to tell you. Why do you have to meet the gf before your DC spends the night in her company? As hard as it might be for you you will just have to accept it. Don't call the police. They can't do anything.

BestZebbie · 28/03/2015 22:48

You could maybe call the police non-emergency number to ask their advice stating your concern that you dont know where the baby is (and maybe that you are concerned it is in a place you did not consent to, though I suspect your DH doesn't require your consent in this instance).
Or call DH's mother to see if he is there, and maybe she'll know where they are?

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