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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband won't tell me where my baby is

117 replies

sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:25

Huge back story which some people might remember but I'm separated from my husband due to his behaviour and starting a relationship with some other woman.

This weekend I suggested he had our son overnight as he spends very little time together but said I was unhappy about him staying at the GF's house as I haven't met her yet and I'm not ready to.

Husband collected our son at midday but refused to tell me where he was going to take him. I have sent him a few messages throughout the day which have all been ignored until I got a reply saying that he was asleep.

Am I overreacting to want to know where my baby has been for the last 10 hours or where he is sleeping tonight?

OP posts:

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:50

Yeah he does have parental responsibility. I've told him time and time again I didn't trust him but he loves his son and I don't want to stop my son spending time with his dad.

I've told him repeatedly I didn't want my son spending time with STBEH's girlfriend as I haven't met her but he's ignoring that.

OP posts:

TendonQueen · 28/03/2015 22:52

Seems very likely to me they're all at the girlfriend's house. The big question for me is how good your husband is with the baby, given that you said he doesn't see much of him. Is he actually well placed to cope with an overnighter? Not that it excuses any ineptitude on his part, but it might actually be as well to have another adult around as back up, however uncomfortable the identity of that adult makes you.

I would seriously rethink your contact arrangements for now, not because of the girlfriend, but because if your husband sees little of the baby, I think overnighters should be built up to after more extensive day-only contact on a regular basis. Haven't read your back story I'm afraid so this is an on-the-face-of-it response.

Buttercupsandaisies · 28/03/2015 22:52

I'm afraid you have no say in who he introduces baby to. Even If you go to court for finalized contact arrangements, they still wouldn't allow you to dictate who he spends time with. He can do as he chooses in his contact time, as can you. Don't ring police or his mum as it sounds purely based on jealousy. Whilst is totally understandable but has no standing legally,

NobodyLivesHere · 28/03/2015 22:53

Unfortunately though , you dont have any right, legally, to stop him staying with his gf if that's what he chooses to do. I'm sure your son will be ok. X

WhitePhantom · 28/03/2015 22:55

Do you ever bring your son to meet anyone your xh hasn't met? I presume you do.

How would feel if your xh told you that you couldn't have your son in the presence of someone he hasn't met and approved of??

HappinessHappening · 28/03/2015 22:55

I can understand that this must be very hard for you, but your ex isn't doing anything wrong

Of course you don't want your baby to be with his new partner but that is his decision alone just as it's your decision who your son sees and where he goes when he's with you

If you feel your child is in danger from your ex then look at supervised contact but otherwise there is not much you can do

FanFuckingTastic · 28/03/2015 22:56

As an equal parent with PR, I don't think you can dictate how the baby is cared for with the other parent.

I had difficulties with my own ex and his new girlfriend, she was not a nice person, but there was nothing I could do unless I suspected my son's care was in question. Eventually I found out she was abusive towards ex and son, and stopped contact, but until then I had no grounds.

butterfly2015 · 28/03/2015 22:56

He has pr and that means he can do as he pleases when he has the baby. He can take the baby to see whoever he wants and unless your child is in danger or being abused or neglected there is nothing you can do about it.

You cannot lay down rules about the baby not being near the girlfriend.

DarthVadersTailor · 28/03/2015 22:57

I'd certainly say calling the Police would be a huge overreaction and likely to damage relations even further than they already are, which is hardly beneficial for the child. And as others have pointed out, if he has parental responsibility they can't do anything anyway.

OP I think you have to ask yourself what exactly do you want here. You say he refused to tell you where they were going when he came to pick the child up, if you weren't satisfied with this then why let the child go in the first place? And if you're satisfied that the child is currently asleep and safe then is it really that big an issue right now? Do you think that maybe by texting several times during the day you might just serve the piss the guy off during the time he's spending with his child?

I'd personally say that if you can't/don't trust him then don't allow the situation to happen in the first instance, otherwise you perhaps need to calm it a bit. By all means establish ground rules together (totally understand what you mean about his new partner for example) but there needs to be a certain level of trust that he'll abide by said rules if you both agree to them.

bloodyteenagers · 28/03/2015 22:58

You cannot tell him that he cannot take the child to his gf's.
Just in the same way when you move on, he cannot tell you the child cannot be around your new partner.

Either you trust him or you don't.
If you trust him, then you cannot make demands. If you don't trust him, then don't faccilitate over nights for a bit longer.

If you are freading out this much now, how are you going to cope when he says he wants to take the child on holiday for a week?

Don't call the police either because they won't be able to do a thing. They won't return the child. They won't give you an address.

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:59

Thanks everyone. I was worried I don't have any say over where he takes him.

STBEH rarely asks how our son is and has also financially completely screwed me up. He spent the child benefit money paying his phone bill again and owes me £100 on top of that. He hasn't paid anything towards maintenance and has never bought anything (clothes or toys) for his son. He even refused to wrap his Christmas and birthday presents.

OP posts:

FanFuckingTastic · 28/03/2015 23:06

It's shit when they are complete arses. I was advised that a Residence Order would mean that if my ex did not return my child, then it would be possible to involve the police and he would be charged for such, but even then he would have contact and PR of the child when in his care, so unless the other adult is a risk to the child's safety, then there is little can be done.

I was able to insist she was not allowed to come near me, she would completely blank me even when I made the effort to talk to her and let her in the house when collecting my son. Like I wasn't there.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/03/2015 23:06

You don't have any say about where the child stays when with his father. If you don't trust the father then don't allow contact. You cannot call the police over this.

Icimoi · 28/03/2015 23:11

If I didn't know where my baby was I'd be calling the police.

That's going to go well.

OP: I don't know where my baby is.
Police: Where did you last see him?
OP: In his father's car.
Police: What, did he kidnap the baby?
OP: No, it was prearranged overnight contact.
Police: Goodnight.

FanFuckingTastic · 28/03/2015 23:12

When I started dating again, I guess I learned to appreciate this was the case, as I wouldn't have liked my ex having any say over what I did. I managed it entirely differently to him and made sure there was no contact for the first six months of each relationship, but it made me see that controlling his environment other than to ensure child's safety was over-reaching. I had to learn to trust that his dad used his personal judgement the same way I did when it came to who to allow in our child's life. I don't agree with how he does it, but he has an equal say in how he raises our son.

Still sucks when they are not nice people. Fortunately I stuck to it and he turned out to be a good dad, even though our parenting styles are very different. He did understand when I stopped contact, he left his ex shortly after that, and contact resumed immediately after that.

WorraLiberty · 28/03/2015 23:24

I think you need to separate a few things here.

I haven't read your previous threads that you've linked to, but it's safe to say that no matter what is in those links, you clearly trust your ex to look after his baby (I notice you refer to the baby as 'mine' and not 'ours'?), because it was you who suggested he had him overnight.

Now, whilst it would probably make you feel better to meet his girlfriend, what would this actually achieve? A quick cup of coffee will tell you nothing about this woman at all.

It's hard (I've been there) but when two adults have PR for a child, you have to trust each other when it comes to the people you both choose to spend time with your child. You simply can't meet and approve everyone who will come into contact with your DS and nor can your ex.

Having said all that, I wouldn't allow my kids to spend a night away from home with anyone who didn't provide me with an address.

Micah · 28/03/2015 23:31

How has he spent the child benefit money paying his phone bill?

If you are still financially joined. Get it all legally separated out, and get child benefit paid straight to you as th RP.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/03/2015 23:42

You trust him to have your child over night or you don't it really is that simple.

However it is possible to get a court order stating that you should be informed of the address of the child's other home (if that's what it becomes)

bloodyteenagers · 28/03/2015 23:52

Wrapping presents, well no one has to wrap them. It's a choice made to give the receiver that element of surprise. Of course it's nice to have the wrapped.

CB get yourself unlinked financially. Not sure why you haven't done this already. I Would open an account now if you don't have one, and contact child benefit etc to get payments changed.

As for maintenance, csa or whatever they are now called. However, visits are not on a ppv basis.

madreloco · 28/03/2015 23:59

If he doesnt ask about his son, didn't ask for him overnight, you dont trust him, and you didnt want him near the girlfriend, wtf were you thinking suggesting overnight stays?

As for the unsurprising posts about calling the police, you have no basis to do this. You instigated the contact, and sent him off. You have no rights as to where they go or what they do after that, up to a point.

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 29/03/2015 00:20

I have had a separate account for months now. The CB was organized by OH and he won't give me the details for it so I can't move it into my account. It was paid into the joint account on Monday but his 2 direct debits for his mobile went out so I could only transfer £35 into my account.

He has taken tens of thousands of pounds out in payday loans (Wonga, Satsuma, Mr lender etc) and is now in a debt management scheme.

I will not allow any further overnight visits or instigate any unsupervised daytime contact either.

OP posts:

christycreme · 29/03/2015 00:31

Im not sure he has done anything wrong to be fair.

Jackw · 29/03/2015 00:40

Plus he's deliberately not telling you where he is in order to wind you up/punish you. Don't give him the opportunity again.

christycreme · 29/03/2015 00:43

Maybe just maybe he is entitled to have his child and doesnt want to tell the OP because it causes more trouble than its worth?

christycreme · 29/03/2015 00:45

Maybe he is just as entitled to have the child as the OP is. Maybe he's not punishing the OP. Maybe he's sick of her getting on his case.

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