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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband won't tell me where my baby is

117 replies

sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:25

Huge back story which some people might remember but I'm separated from my husband due to his behaviour and starting a relationship with some other woman.

This weekend I suggested he had our son overnight as he spends very little time together but said I was unhappy about him staying at the GF's house as I haven't met her yet and I'm not ready to.

Husband collected our son at midday but refused to tell me where he was going to take him. I have sent him a few messages throughout the day which have all been ignored until I got a reply saying that he was asleep.

Am I overreacting to want to know where my baby has been for the last 10 hours or where he is sleeping tonight?

OP posts:

popalot · 29/03/2015 13:02

But she won't need to refuse contact as she originally pushed for it for her little boy's sake. She just needs to not contact him and she prob won't hear from him back and contact will just sort of fizzle out.

bloodyteenagers · 29/03/2015 13:05

He could say the child is at his mums, however, childis at his home residence of the girl friend. But the op doesn't want the child at his home residence. She wants to say where the visit happens. That is controlling and now because he wouldn't play, she is having a huge tantrum and controlling contact even more by only allowing needless supervised.

Yes he could take her to court. There is still no guarantee that she will still have an address. But what could happen is every other weekend. Block of two weeks. And alternative Christmas and birthdays.

If the op wants the address and to know every detail of what happens then she also has to do the same and text the ex when they go out, where they are going, who they are seeing, addresses for everywhere, what he ate, drank, what time he slept, woke up, bath time etc.

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 13:08

ThisisNachocheese it could be viewed that way...if a man was saying to a woman 'i demand to know where my child is every minute of the day and I have to give the ok (even though there is no reason to be concerned about safety) before you take them somewhere' then everyone would agree it could be viewed as controlling. Especially since she is now saying she won't allow unsupervised contact.

He should tell her where they are, he should realise that having the Childs mother worried whenever he has their son, is not best for their son. She needs to realise she can't (however upsetting it is) stop her child seeing his father based on this. That isn't best for the child either.

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 13:10

If the OP doesn't initiate contact and the ex drops off the radar, that up to the ex. It will be his fuck up and his decision to hurt their child. However she is saying she will 'not allow' overnight visits, which is 2 different things.

CwtchCorner · 29/03/2015 13:11

It's reasonable to ask for the address where your son will be as long as you do the same when you are away from home with him.

ThatIsNachoCheese · 29/03/2015 16:10

Not every minute of every day just where your child will be sleeping during contact?! That is not unreasonable.

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 16:13

Why does it matter where the baby is sleeping? She trusts him or she wouldn't have pushed him to gave him overnight. How is taking the baby somewhere in the evening any different to taking the baby somewhere during the day?

ThatIsNachoCheese · 29/03/2015 16:41

It would be important to me to know where my baby is sleeping it really would.

fedupbutfine · 29/03/2015 16:51

Unless she tells her ex where his son is every minute of the day then yes, Nacho, it is

it is not controlling to want to know the address your child is staying at overnight. It is controlling to play a game of 'I'm not telling you even the most basic things about our child when he is in my care' with your ex. I wonder how many women posting here have had to deal with not knowing where their children are overnight, for days and potentially weeks on end?

OP - the police will not help, unless you are able to convince them that your child is somehow in danger which you clearly don't think is the case.

I would consult with a solicitor regarding knowing the address at which your child will be staying the majority of time when in his father's care. At the very least, they will write a letter for you seeking clarification. When my ex did this to me, my solicitor said of 3 local judges, 2 would order he handed over his address, no questions asked. The other would order it after carefully checking there is no history whatsover of harrassment or controlling behaviour on your behalf (in other words, your ex couldn't argue that you would try and abuse his gf or cause problems on the doorstep when your son is with them).

My ex plays this game with me with every new girlfriend. I have learnt to ignore it and sooner or later, he wants me to pick the children up from her house so the address is given. It is a game so don't let him win.

John4703 · 29/03/2015 16:58

As a father I have to agree with You can't call police as he's with his dad who has equal right to have him as you do. I'm not even sure if they do anything as no one parent has more right than the other.
Your son is with his dad, his dad is as much his biological father as you are. Do you tell your ex where his son is every hour of every day? Relax and let the other parent be a parent. I know I'll get attacked on here for this view but it takes two to make a baby and both can love and cherish that baby

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 16:59

Can I just say he should tell her, but legally he has done nothing wrong and the OP is planning of refusing unsupervised access. If he takes get to court she will be made to look controlling. As it stands, she trusts him and with holding contact because she wants to be able to stop the ex taking him to a certain house. There are no safeguarding issues at this property, she just doesn't want her child round the new woman. Again I totally get her feelings around this, but in reality its very difficult to tell the child father who and where the child is allowed to go, without going to court.

Simple fact is the ex could lie and say he is staying at his parents and not. And as of now, no one actually knows if he did stay at OW, we are just assuming.

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 29/03/2015 20:44

Thanks for all the replies. I had no intention of calling the police as I wasn't worried for his safety I just wanted to know where he was.

He turned up on time at the place we arranged to meet but hadn't had breakfast by 10.30 so was miserable. He also needed a bath when he got home as his nappy hadn't been put on properly so there was an explosion up his back which annoyed him too! :(

Apparently he slept well at the girlfriends house. I had to ask him very directly to get a straight answer.

OP posts:

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 29/03/2015 20:50

You need to catch on to yourself and quick for your own sanity as you will stress yourself into the ground. Presumably you wouldn't tell him every move you make-why ON EARTH should he have to account to you?

Yes he was a prick. Yes it would be courteous to tell you, but no you have no right to know unless
there are 'safeguarding issues'. I think you can assume he is staying with gf.

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 29/03/2015 20:56

I was 99% sure he was with the GF. I don't think is any risk to my/our son but OH doesn't interact with him at the best of times, let alone if his attention is elsewhere on someone else.

I'm not going to legally stop contact but I'm not going to offer again. He was supposed to be having him next week but I was going to see my parents so will have to cancel/change that one.

OP posts:

heidiwine · 29/03/2015 21:08

If your ex was supposed to be seeing his child (your son) next weekend you have absolutely no grounds whatsoever to cancel. Go and see your parents another time or without your son. You are not being reasonable, you are using your son (the only innocent in all of this) as a weapon. Please reconsider, get some help. Put your son first, your feelings about his dad come very far behind the emotional wellbeing of your son.

caroldecker · 29/03/2015 21:22

How would you feel if he hadn't been at the meeting point because he had decided to cancel the return and not let you see him?

honeyroar · 29/03/2015 21:54

Sorry, but it think you're being quite unfair.

You are using the baby because you're still carrying baggage from your split. You can't tell him that the baby can't stay at his girlfriends until you've met her and then refuse to meet her, it's ridiculous. If you really think it's necessary to meet her (I disagree) then you need to meet her..

It's not fair to chop and change arrangements. It wouldn't be fair if he did I it to you, it's not fair you doing it to him.

Children should see both parents. I agree with John. It's good for them and the mother doesn't own their child. I agree with whoever said that courts should throw the book at mothers who deliberately stop contact if there is not a really good reason.

But as for the rest, why would you have a joint account with someone who is so bad with money? Get things separated. My husband got stung for thousands from his ex wife running up debt on their joint credit card and account. She refused to pay and he was still liable as it was joint..

mathanxiety · 29/03/2015 22:08

Why are you hoping he will pay attention to his son and have a relationship with him?

You say he doesn't pay attention to him and you say you are the one who is trying to establish visitation. You suggested he have DS overnight because he has very little contact and rarely asks how the boy is...

(This is a reminder to those who say the OP is out of line here -- this man does not seem interested in a relationship with his son).

Now he has come home dirty and with a nappy that has leaked poo. Two adults couldn't figure out how to put a nappy on right? The two of them never thought to give him a wash?

Please OP, forget about trying to force this man to be a father.

mathanxiety · 29/03/2015 22:11

Yes, children should see both parents, and the best possible scenario is when both parents are ready and willing to act as parents and co-operate on matters relating to the children.

But if one parent can't even put on a nappy right, doesn't see the child much, rarely asks how his child is and doesn't consider a bath a necessary part of a child's weekend when he does visit, then I think the parent wishing to foster a relationship is flogging a dead horse.

bloodyteenagers · 29/03/2015 22:51

So he is the only person ever to mess up and put a nappy on wrong on a wriggly 15 month old?

If arrangements have been made for him to see his son at the weekend, you keep to that. You complain because in your eyes he doesn't want to have contact with his son, yet when he does you want to take your child elsewhere?

Starlightbright1 · 29/03/2015 23:11

I really think you need to seperate out things.

As I said Gf...You can hate her however pointless even if she was with Ex when you were together he was the one that wasn't faithful ( not sure if there even was an affair)

Reading your post you do sound like you are using child as a pawn.. If it was pre arranged DC would see Dad then why do you suddenly need to cancel.

This man if he wants to be will be involved in your childs life as he is his Dad.

I think everyone on this thread assumed he was at GF's .

JoffreyBaratheon · 29/03/2015 23:30

This is the point at which you need to go to the Family Courts and get something legal sorted out. He may not even get overnight contact at first, that way and you can keep in control of the situation until you feel the time is right. I would not be happy with my ex taking our child to a person I'd never met's house - I think it is unreasonable of him to do that. I also think he may have just given you more leverage, if it does come to court. It's not just that it is a girlfriend, but if you don't know who she is, where she lives, or anything about her - your child shouldn't be there.

textfan · 29/03/2015 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 30/03/2015 01:11

No, he is not the only one to put a nappy on wrong when a toddler is wriggling. However, he has had Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night and all of Sunday to practice - a weekend's worth of nappies on a wriggling toddler - and he still hasn't got the hang of it? My DCs are older now, but I estimate they would have used about a dozen nappies every weekend as toddlers.

We have not been told why he has not seen his son much -- whether it is his choice or the OP's. I gather from the OP that his attention is firmly elsewhere though. If the reason he hasn't had much of a chance to get nappies right is that he doesn't care for his son much out of choice then the OP is perfectly justified in being miffed.

Similarly not giving a toddler a bath over the weekend makes me think this man is just playing at the fatherhood game because it affords him the chance to annoy his ex wife, and he has no interest in putting in the work required or actually properly caring for his son.

There has been lots of advice to the OP to move on with her life, get over herself, etc. I think moving on with her life should involve drawing a line under her hopes for a father son relationship and accepting his heart just isn't in it.

This man is coming across to me as someone who enjoys doing exactly what he is entitled to do and no more, with the only purpose of being a thorn in his ex-wife's side. He is entitled to have the DS for the weekend, so the child is in his physical custody. He couldn't be arsed to give him a bath though, or learn over the course of a weekend to get a nappy on straight.

I think he should grow up.

mathanxiety · 30/03/2015 01:15

And I agree with JoffreyB -- go to the family court and get this properly sorted.

Nothing is guaranteed to ensure years of animosity like informal visitation arrangements with someone who likes playing games.

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