Need opinions and to get this off my chest - husband's behaviour with ex-friends of mine

(155 Posts)
sanityisamyth Tue 19-Aug-14 16:39:03

I'm sure this will out me but I'm beyond caring!

I'm a teacher in a secondary school. At my first school (I was 23), I had a tutor group of 30 mixed sex 11 year olds. We keep them for the 5 years they are at school, so I got to know them all pretty well. I also ran a riding club at the school and one of the girl's in the tutor group joined. I got to know her better through the horses. I also got to know her mother very well, as she would watch her daughter's lesson. Every week we would spend over an hour chatting. This continued after the daughter left school as her brother also joined the club (I kept it running in the year neither was at the school purely for their benefit so they got discount lessons).

The mother was lovely to me - we went shopping, on camping holidays etc and had a lovely relationship. She has sons who are my age so she treated me like a daughter. I have issues with my own mother so it was lovely to feel part of a family again. My husband was also welcomed into the family. He's very socially awkward and used to sit in the car a lot whilst I was in with the family. Eventually he came in and joined in as well. The mother had a difficult relationship with her eldest son (he walked out years ago) and admitted many times that my husband is like the replacement for her "lost" son.

3 years ago I brought my pony over from another livery yard to keep my big horse company at a private yard. When I was collecting him, his field-mate was in there. Girl in tutor group (GITG) said she liked his field-mate and could we take him too, for her brother to ride - she would take on my pony. I arranged this (the other pony's owner was really interested in him so it did her a favour). I paid for absolutely everything for all three horses - livery, feed, shoeing, vets etc. I didn't mind as we all got on really well.

Everything was going absolutely fine until nearly a year ago.

At Easter (last year), I became pregnant with my first child. I had no problems with the pregnancy in the first few months (no morning sickness, no cravings - was lovely smile) but had really bad SPD in the last few months. I dislocated my knee in September (was 24 weeks pregnant) and really struggled to do the horses. GITG and husband (and occasionally GITG's brother) did the horses for me.

It was a really horrible winter - very cold and wet. Not ideal to do horses, but GITG and husband did the best they could with them. Neither are particularly experienced, but kept them fed and watered. The mucking out wasn't always done as there wasn't any lighting up there.

When LO was born (around Christmas) I didn't want to take him up there in the wind and rain so GITG and husband carried on with the horses. Husband would leave home at 7 am for work, get back at 5 ish, get changed quickly, drive 7 miles to collect GITG (and occasionally her brother), do the horses, drop GITG back, then come home. He'd come back at about 9pm, announcing the family had fed him, he'd watched TV and had a cuppa. Did I want anything to eat?

So that's at least 14 hours out of the house, leaving me with newborn, recovering from SPD, whilst he was having a social with my friends? There was also no food in the house (very skint due to him taking out countless pay day loans) and I didn't fancy eating at 9 o'clock at night so quite often I went without supper. Not ideal when breastfeeding a newborn.

I kept making comments and dropping hints that he seemed to be at the stables for a long time, and did he really need to be at their house afterwards for so long but he never got the message. I should have been more clear maybe.

On the nicer days, I went up to the stables with LO on my own to do the horses. I'd have to completely clear the stables out (which took a lot of effort and energy) to catch up on the mucking out they hadn't done. I also noticed that my horse had a very dirty belly from lying down in the muck - so bad I had to clip it off. All through this, I bit my tongue as I didn't want to upset or offend GITG or husband as they had done the horses for me throughout a really horrible winter. Throughout all of this, not knowing how close her and DH had got, I was texting her asking if she wanted to meet up and go riding etc. I never got a reply.

Fast forward to this Easter. LO was 4 mo and we'd been invited camping with the family. GITG brings her boyfriend (they had been together 4 months or so) and she was really obnoxious. Very unlike the girl I knew. I know that she was in a relatively new relationship but she used to be very kind, very thoughtful and helpful. All week she was rude to everyone.

Husband and boyfriend, for GITG's birthday, bought her a double camping chair so that her and BF could sit together. She wouldn't let ANYONE else sit on it. Her brother tried a couple of times (there was nowhere else to sit) and she grabbed him by the ankles and threw him on the floor. The whole week was very stressful and unpleasant. I said a few times to DH that I wanted to go home but he didn't want to.

DH had her mobile number. I knew they sent text messages to each other but he was getting more and more secretive. Towards the end of the holiday I asked to see his phone. He has always been secretive about his phone, but I managed to get my hands on it. He ripped it out of my hands (nearly breaking my wrist in the process) and deleted all the messages between him and her.

I went to see GITG's mother and told her what had happened. GITG waved her phone under my nose saying I could read it on her phone. I didn't but I now know why DH deleted it - he told GITG that he didn't love me, and wanted to leave me. Her mother said I was being ridiculous. Husband loved me and what would he see in someone 12 years younger than him, especially as she had a BF anyway???

I told husband that I didn't want him texting her anymore. I was very very clear about this.

On the last day, GITG was asked, by her parents, to help turn their caravan round so they could hitch it on their car to tow it out to go home. Her and her BF refused, as they were already in the car. So they watching their parents (the mother has a bad shoulder and the father has a heart condition) turn a 3 tonne caravan round on their own whilst they sat in the car eating sweets. We couldn't help as we were the other side of the barrier and couldn't get back to them. We also didn't know they needed help.

In the afternoon I sent her a text asking if she wanted to come riding. No reply. She sent me a message later - "what happened to this friendship we used to be so close". I had had enough by this point so sent her a message stating how I felt. The week had been awful and very stressful.

"You have been nothing but a bitch to everyone this week. I hear you and the ginger minger (the BF - the whole family was joking all week he was ginger) refused to help your parents move a 3 tonne caravan with [your mother's] bad shoulder. You have been nothing but spiteful to [your brother] and I have stopped you having any contact with [my husband]. You have ruined the start of my time of being a mother as I do not trust what you and [husband] were doing at the stables. My horse was so neglected I had to shave the sh*t off him because you didn't do any mucking out. To turn round and refuse to have a picture taken with [your mother] was cruel and caused many tears. I would do anything to have a family like yours and you can't see what you are doing to it. I really hope you know what you are doing. Everyone has a problem with [your boyfriend]. He is controlling you and you will lose everything. I will always be here for you. Let me know when you realise and decide x"

Yes, not a pleasant message but I had bitten my tongue for months. The whole family had spent the whole week telling me they were worried that GITG was pregnant and didn't like the boyfriend. I felt that she needed to know that as they were about the throw her out of the house as she was being so unpleasant to everyone.

I apologised. Profusely. I bought her a pair of earrings and gave her a rosette I won on the pony she rode for me. I also tried to find her BF a job as he was sick of the shop work he had been doing for years. Absolutely none of it was recognised.

I sent her more messages to ask if she wanted to come riding. Everything was ignored. I finally got reply to say that she was going to go shopping on one of the days I asked her. I had already had a message from another friend asking if she could come riding with me. I told GITG that the other friend could ride my horse. She kicked off big time - I'd ruined her life and taken away the most important thing in the world to her. She wouldn't listen that it was only 1 ride, 1 day. Again, I apologised.

I knew husband was texting GITG and knew that he wouldn't tell me what about. He got a new phone so had to back the old one up. I found out how to read his backed up messages on his laptop. He'd sent her 500 messages in the 3 weeks from the camping holiday to then.

Just a small sample:

HIM TO HER "She seems to be coming back to her normal self but how long is that for and can I go through it again I don't know. Is catch 22 as need space to decide but worry about her and William coping. Sorry shouldn't go on about it to you. I just don't want you lose you either that is my biggest fear"

HER TO HIM "I stand by my decision that I never want anything to do with her again. If she's going on holiday next time then I'm not"

HIM TO HER "I fully understand that. It's just such a huge decision for me. I haven't stopped thinking about it since t kicked off. I even asked [your boyfriend] his opinion I hope you don't mind"

HIM TO HER "I can't talk to anyone like I do to you. I just want to be able to see and do stuff with you too. Do you think it is definitely final between you two?"

HER TO HIM "I'm not forgiving that. She's been funny towards me for months. That text was uncalled for and seriously below the belt. I really never want to see her again or I will just smack her in the face"

HIM TO HER "You know what I'm like, and keep coming back to thinking what is best for everyone else and have no idea anymore what would be best for me. I keep looking for a solution but can't find one and have no one I can really talk to about it. I hate going on about it to you as you quite rightly want me to make up my mind and choose"

HER TO HIM "She's given [my pony] to [my friend]. I hate her. That's my life over. No pony, no escape"

HIM TO HER "I don't know what I'm choosing I want the normal [wife] back but don't know if that will happen. You know how much you mean to me and I can't stand you being annoyed with me. Is there anything I can do to show you that?"

HER TO HIM "I 'put up with you' because you are a one in a million friend who I don't really want to lose."

HIM TO HER "Thank you. I feel the same way about you. I always feel happy and relaxed around you. You are v special. I think I need the next couple of days to try and save my marriage or see if there is one worrh saving."

HER TO HIM "Yeah I understand. This is goodbye for now then"

HIM TO HER "No I just might not message as much for next few days and prob won't be around this weekend. I still really value your opinion. You still think I should leave?. Hope driving gies well. Let me know how it goes?"

HER TO HIM "I don't see what you see in [your wife]. At the moment I really don't want anything to do with her ever.Will do"

HIM TO HER "At the moment I'm not sure. I want the old [wife] back that we all liked but not sure it's still there or wants to be with me. Thank you for sticking by me. [Your BF] has been great to me too. You've been brilliant to me over the last year or so.

HER TO HIM "I've never once seen her give you a hug or tell you she loves you. I know you've been together a while and [BF] and I haven't but he's always telling me and even if not a hug he holds my hand or something to let me know he's there. I've never seen a loving look on [your wife's] face towards you. I don't think there's anything there but obviously I'm on the outside looking in and don't know how life was before or what goes on behind closed doors. [BF] has handled the situation amazingly well. He so easily could've walked away but instead he's stood by me. He hates [your wife] for what she's done though"

HIM TO HER "Thanks for that. Is good to hear it from someone else. I'm giving it this weekend to see if anything there otherwise I'm going to move out for a bit at least. I'm thankful he still talks to me could easily have told me to F off."

HIM TO HER "Of course you don't and shouldn't be apologising. Do you think there is any chance if it being sorted in the future? You guys are so lovely to me. I will lose [my wife] before you guys. You all had ok day?"

HER TO HIM "Not to hurt you or anything but since being with [BF]I can see just how wrecked your relationship is. I'm not saying that my relationship is perfect 'cause it's not but in comparison yours is seems like more of a friendship"

Most of these messages were sent whilst husband and I were trying to have a weekend - just the three of us. Him, me and LO to try to sort things out.

What I also didn't realise was he was texting her BF - a man who I had met 3 times and then found him rude and difficult on the holiday.

Husband to GITG's BF "Just wish could have you guys [GITG and her BF] round of an evening. Where can I send [my wife]?! :p"

BF TO HUSBAND "Nah don't be silly! Lol you shouldn't say that! :P"

HUSBAND TO BF "How should I say it! :P were you not thinking it too?!"

BF TO HUSBAND "Lol well yeah but I didn't want to have to :P"

sanityisamyth Tue 19-Aug-14 16:39:16

There were also texts from him to some OW about meeting up for a drink.

Things have just gone from bad to worse. I had told husband so many times about not having contact with any of them but it took him MONTHS to do it.

He was also texting the mother and she was blaming me for everything.

After I had found all these messages I went to see my parents in Yorkshire for a break as couldn't take the bitching. I told DH on no account was he to have any contact with ex-friend. I later find out, after he lied to me about seeing her, that not only had he been constantly texting her, but he'd collected her and her brother, ridden my very unfit, elderly pony for 10 miles (including galloping it around the moor) and he'd taken photos of it, then emailed them to her, at her request.

I didn't find this out until weeks later when someone told me of one of the photos on Facebook. I very politely asked her to take it down but she refused and I got a load more abuse from her and family. Husband didn't once stand up for me. I was very reasonable on the phone to GITG's dad (husband even gave me a hug telling me how proud he was of me) but when GITG's mother texted DH to tell him I'd phoned her husband and "had a go at him" at no point did DH point out I didn't! He just let her rant away saying that I was a bi*ch and causing so many problems in her family.

A few weeks ago I hit a real low point and told DH I was near suicidal (due to the actions of said GITG and her family). His response was to go straight round to ex-friend and her family to spend a nice day dog walking with them leaving me with severe depression and a 7 mo baby.

I found out where he was, went to their house to see him. Was told by the grandmother he wasn't there. I then get a text from ex-friend who caused all he problems telling me that she was with my husband so it wasn't his fault.

Things now seem a bit better between Husband and me, but he's obviously missing the GITG and her family.

Sorry for the VERY LONG thread. Feel free to ignore. I didn't want to drip feed.

gordyslovesheep Tue 19-Aug-14 16:45:13

sorry I have read the whole thing but can't work out what you are asking?

Montegomongoose Tue 19-Aug-14 16:46:49

If you have depression and a seven month old baby, may I suggest, in the kindest possible way, that you concentrate on the things you can control.

Get some help for the depression (start with GP, ask for counselling referral).

Concentrate on motherhood and enjoying your precious boy.

The rest can wait. It all sounds far too complicated and incestuous and, forgive me, childish.

Withdraw and let them all get on with it, whatever 'it' may be.

There are much more important things.

Are you planning to go back to teaching?

Can someone else take over caring for your horses?

Icelollycraving Tue 19-Aug-14 16:47:02

I got about half way through the first post. I was completely lost as to what you want to know.

IrenetheQuaint Tue 19-Aug-14 16:47:55

Um, Jesus. Your problem is with your husband, you know that?

Norklessnora Tue 19-Aug-14 16:51:14

Why on earth are you putting up with that from your husband??

temporarilyjerry Tue 19-Aug-14 16:53:28

Wow - that was long. Why are you having anything to do with these people - including your 'D'H?

Concentrate on looking after yourself and your LO. If you feel suicidal, phone the Samaritans and talk to your HV or GP. You deserve better.

BookABooSue Tue 19-Aug-14 16:54:10

Phew, there seems to be a lot going on. I agree with the PP, focus on you. Can you go to stay with your parents again? They can give you support and might help you to gain some perspective on the issues with your DH and your ex-friend.

Maybe see if the doctor can refer you for counselling too. It can help with depression and will help you to determine how you feel about the issues in your relationship.

When you are depressed, you need reliable support. If all of this drama means you can't rely on your DH then turn to your family, friends and GP.

sanityisamyth Tue 19-Aug-14 16:54:42

Just getting things off my chest mainly.

Husband keeps telling me that he wants to still be friends with these people and he doesn't see what he's done as anything wrong?

Maybe it should have gone in relationships instead.

My problem is now 100% with the husband but it's driving me mad that he never once supported me. I bent over backwards to apologise and to mend things (even though I didn't feel I should) but none of it was recognised by him.

I do have a history of depression but I know me and what I can cope with. A massive trigger for me is being ignored and excluded, which is exactly what husband and GITG spent months doing to me. Every time it was half decent weather over the weekend, I asked to do the horses with them. There was always an excuse - not enough room in the car being the main one.

Just wondering how other people would be feeling if this was their husband and what would they do about it?

halfwildlingwoman Tue 19-Aug-14 16:56:20

You need to:
1. Go to your GP for the depression. Then you will be better able to do the following:
2. Find someone else to feed your horse.
3. Ensure that you can go back to work. It is important that you can support yourself and your child.
4. Either ask your DH to leave or give him an ultimatum. He starts being faithful or he leaves.
At the very very best he is having an emotional affair with a much younger woman, you know the worst. The problem is your husband, not your friends.
I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you are going through this.

NickiFury Tue 19-Aug-14 16:56:25

Your marriage is over. Your husband is a revoltingly disloyal toad of a man. He fancies your "friend" and is covering it by labelling it a "friendship". Having said that, I think you're dwelling too much on the details and have put up with this for long enough. I also think you're unhealthily enmeshed with that family and need to cut some ties. Let's face no one involved is covering themselves with glory are they?

zeezeek Tue 19-Aug-14 16:57:15

From what you have said, it sounds like there has been a definite change in the girl and that change stemmed from when she became friendly with your husband. You are a teacher, doesn't that seem like a red flag to you? I'd be very concerned that maybe he was grooming her. It is very odd for an adult to have such a close friendship with a teenager.

However, as a teacher, you really should have kept your distance from this girl and this family too.

And I would be concerned that you have given too much information here.

Groovee Tue 19-Aug-14 16:57:26

Your husband is the whole problem. I would seriously end it with him x

IrenetheQuaint Tue 19-Aug-14 16:57:36

I suspect that most people in your situation would have already kicked your husband out of the door. Those texts are unforgivable and make him sound a) appallingly immature and b) a total cunt.

AlpacaMyBags Tue 19-Aug-14 17:00:18

Stop chasing after this girl and trying to be her friend. And, whilst there's nothing in the texts that suggests your husband is having a physical affair with the woman, he is crossing a line in terms of the things that he discusses with her that are private and personal to your relationship. I would be furious if DH went behind my back and discussed me in that way.

sanityisamyth Tue 19-Aug-14 17:00:22

Thanks to those replies already smile

I have been back teaching for a few weeks before the summer hols. Was lovely as I could totally forget everything that was going on.

We no longer have any contact with any of the family but it's obvious husband still wants to be friends with them.

They went camping a couple of weeks ago again. As soon as they were back in town DH was with them for a dog walk, despite everything they have done, and me telling him how depressed I was.

I have been back to docs and got a script for Prozac. Haven't started them yet as hoping to get things back on track but can start them whenever. GP is very good. I also have a counsellor I can use. Might well go through some of this with her.

Just wondering how others would feel, and what they would do, especially if they had a LO to consider.

My parents live about 300 miles away. Was there recently (with husband - was awkward!) and back to work in 2 weeks. They are having a lot of work done on house between now and then.

AlpacaMyBags Tue 19-Aug-14 17:01:47

And more than anything, I think you need to stop jumping through hoops to try and please people who will not be pleased. Could you get some counseling?

AlpacaMyBags Tue 19-Aug-14 17:02:12

cross post - definitely use the counselor.

DrunkenWhore Tue 19-Aug-14 17:02:14

The first thing you need to do is leave your husband he is an absolute utter dick! He doesn't give a shit about you and puts his own needs far far before yours. He's hanging around with a girl 12 years younger than him and he thinks it makes him cool. hmm The second thing you need to do is cut all contact with this girl and her family. They and her have become toxic towards you, you don't need that. Third, get some help for your depression (if you haven't already). Do you have a support network separate from husband and this family? If so use them.

GemmaWella81 Tue 19-Aug-14 17:02:37

To summise:

Husband has been the playing away with someone you thought was a friend?

Vitalstatistix Tue 19-Aug-14 17:03:37

Your husband's relationship with this girl is very inappropriate. Is he having an affair with her? His biggest fear is losing her? That's really fucked up, you know that, right? He thinks the texts and the time he puts into her is acceptable?

sanityisamyth Tue 19-Aug-14 17:04:18

zeezeek I honestly and truly don't believe that anything inappropriate was going on with GITG - they were just friends. She has older brothers (my husbands age) so he was like a brother to her. The change in behaviour in the girl stemmed from her getting her BF I think.

With the horses I have got rid of two of them and keeping my old pony to teach my LO to ride smile

MerlinsUnderpants Tue 19-Aug-14 17:06:49

Your husband is an utter wankbadger. Tell him to fuck off, your life will be a hell of a lot better with every single one of this toxic lot cut out of it.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 19-Aug-14 17:06:50

He is disrespectful to you and about you. Your so called 'friends' need to be cut out of your life entirely, and I have to be honest if that was my husband he would be gone too.

What on earth is he doing having conversations like that about you behind your back? Letting someone day that they want to hit you in the face? He is completely sycophantic to her and to her bf, and constantly putting you down.

Get away from all of them and look after you and your baby.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now