Husband won't tell me where my baby is

[sanityisamyth]

Huge back story which some people might remember but I'm separated from my husband due to his behaviour and starting a relationship with some other woman.

This weekend I suggested he had our son overnight as he spends very little time together but said I was unhappy about him staying at the GF's house as I haven't met her yet and I'm not ready to.

Husband collected our son at midday but refused to tell me where he was going to take him. I have sent him a few messages throughout the day which have all been ignored until I got a reply saying that he was asleep.

Am I overreacting to want to know where my baby has been for the last 10 hours or where he is sleeping tonight?

I don't think either you or your estranged husband are handling this situation particularly maturely and seem locked in a tit for tat feud that will probably end unhappily and expensively. The child is in danger of being used as a pawn by both of you. You put unfair and unrealistic limits on what and where he can go and he responded in an equally petty manner by ignoring your texts or trying to fudge where he was staying.

OP read back your comments and you'll see that most of them relate to his failings as a husband and the hurt you feel (quite understandably) for the way your marriage ended and hostility towards the other woman. I get you're not top of her Christmas card list but honestly how would you respond if in say, a year's time you have a new partner and your ex started throwing his weight around saying your new partner can't meet your child or he can't stay over night?

He's not going to win husband of the year and I wouldn't lend him a tenner but none of that means he's posing a risk to his child.

He didn't give your DS breakfast?!!!! Surprised this has been overlooked! That's shocking!!!!

I really wouldn't change the agreed contact arrangement for no good reason. That will make your ex feel he can do so likewise since you clearly don't think they are important commitments. Next time, he might decide that his DM really needs to see him and keep him a ln extra day. Or, when you've made plans, that he can't be bothered.

I totally understand why you're upset but you have to be clear and consistent about contact arrangements - it's in your interests too.

What I don't understand is that if the OP feels he is a rubbish dad that doesn't care. Why did she push for him to have him overnight. Why not just the day?

Op surely you knew he couldn't change nappies. I am in 2 minds about the whole thing. My first thoughts is that you knew he isn't a great dad, yet pushed him to have your child overnight. That says to me either you are exaggerating how rubbish he is or you had a particular reason to do this that you don't wish to share. I can't believe you would send a child with a man that doesn't know what he is doing or really actually care about the child for ab overnight stay. Having decided to trust him and send the child, you are restricted in what demands you can put in place without a court order.

I read earlier that his mother is a family solicitor. You do realise he will be making note about all this. As in you asked him to take the child, then spent all day texting him demanding to know where they were or (as he will phrase ) trying to ruin their time and control him. When you change plans they will call it obstruction. I would advise to get something in place, legally, asap. Then there maybe some control you can have, such as your ex having to tell you where they are staying or even being able to not stay somewhere for the time being.

You both need to stop using this child to control the other. Its not about your marriage its about the child.

"He didn't give your DS breakfast?!!!! Surprised this has been overlooked! That's shocking!!!!"

First time I left DD with DH for the day he forgot to give her lunch (she was about 18 months old).

No, I wasn't happy (unsurprisingly neither was she) but it didn't do any lasting harm and he's never forgotten since. He took her to visit his family this weekend - overnight - and if anything she's had too many baths in 48 hours. Again, not the end of the world.

I feel desperately sorry for this child. My BIL hasn't seen his son for weeks because of similar fucking about by his ex. Babies aren't possessions to be argued over, or for using to control or punish another person.

Agree totally disappointed I think it's a disgrace when women use contact as a weapon.

Op...50/50 contact is the norm now so I'd get used to him being around ....his mums a solicitor so I would also be careful to play by the rules. Courts can see right through women's controlling behaviour and he is very likely to get 50/5 unless there are safety issues (which sound unlikely in this case).

I expect he will get overnight contact from the start....this is your husband, not some man you had a one night stand with who doesn't know the child.

You deciding to cancel his contact next weekend on the back of what happened this weekend, is just asking for trouble. If his mother is a family lawyer, like others have mentioned, then I would be prepared for her prepping her son to take you to family court, where I doubt you will get the outcome you want. I understand that it's difficult to have your son going to your ex's girlfriend's but playing tit for tat does you no favours, particularly when he hasn't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law.

That is my thought too, Seriouslypeedoff. Why?

And yy to getting yourself a solicitor and getting this whole visitation and contact thing formalised.

But first sit down and ask yourself what you really want and why.

IF after sitting yourself down and thinking you still feel that making exH play a father role is the right thing to do for the sake of DS, and IF exH is interested in working something out, it may well be that you could consider mediation so that you and exH can come up with a workable plan. Then this plan needs to get rubber stamped by the family courts.

(Caveat: if exH is abusive in any way do not bother with mediation).

(Caveat: if exH is abusive in any way do not bother with mediation).

Even if he is abusive, if the OP refuses mediation it can be seen as obstruction.
(Mediation can be done in separate rooms)

50/50 being the norm?

Bollocks, it's an arangement that some families use just the same as EOW and combos in between.

It is perfectly reasonable to insist on having an address that the child will be residing at during contact and would be unusual for a court to not order that it was disclosed.

When contact happens every weekend it is also not unusual for occasional changes to happen for the child to benefit from extended family visits and occasions.

BoneyBack -- yes indeed, but if there are reports to police of DV incidents perpetrated by the former partner against him/her and that person accused of DV is now requesting mediation, then the person refusing mediation has a leg to stand on.

I agree 50/50 is not standard not the norm. It is one of many permutations available and is chosen when it suits families and is in the best interests of the children.

A judge admonished my exH for not providing me with his address when he moved out and it is now part of our divorce agreement that we are both responsible for providing an address to the other person within one week of a move. Same goes for updating email addresses and phone numbers.

EOW visitation can be accompanied by arrangements for a summer holiday with both parents, separately; for Easter, Christmas, child's birthday, parent's birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, mid term break and other fixed occasion variations. There can also be scope for reasonable co-operation to allow for visiting relatives who are in hospital, going to funerals, weddings, significant family celebrations like a golden wedding anniversary or someone being honoured with the keys of the city (just an example), setting off to or coming home from active duty in the armed forces.

50/50 is certainly the norm in the families I know - I'm not talking about children of one night stands, unmarried couples etc, coupes were the dad hasn't been involved much and I'm not talking about half the week with one parent and half with the other.

This is a married couple and it's likely the dad (if he goes to court) will get a lot of access which may be equal in the equivalent time they spend together.

My mates dad was given every other weekend in full and 2 nights midweek, every week as standard. Plus alternate major holidays such as xmas, easter etc and total 50/50 split in summer holidays. I can't understand how people wouldn't do 50/50 in normal circumstances as it's not just the woman's child.

I'm just trying to emphasize to the op that in this case her dh will probably be awarded a lot more access than he's probably asking for now so she has to get used to spending time without her baby and trusting her dh.

Buttercup anecdote is not the plural of data.

Contact arangements are set out to be in the best interests of the child, the child being the only person involved who has any real rights. Many types of contact arrangements may be decided to be in an individual childs best interests ranging from as unusual as no contact or no direct contact to an actual residency transfer and any combination in between.

It is quite usual for down time with the RP as well as work commitments for the NRP and relationships with extended family to be taken into account

If I was to make an educated guess (based on professional experience)as to a more frequently used arrangement I would go with a tie between EOW + 2 weeks in summer holidays and EO Christmas and that plus 1 weekly overnight

I'm going from memory now as I don't AS posters but off the top of my head unless I'm mixing this poster up with another I think she has a not insignificant issue with abuse and inactive parenting from the other parent and whilst the Internet and popular opinion would say otherwise it is a legal fact that courts have to consider domestic abuse and child protection when deciding on what the best interests of the child are and whilst yes mistakes are made I personally witness evidence of this happening in courts very frequently

Oh and married dads and unmarried dads with PR have exactly the same legal rights

NeedsAsock - I think your memory is correct and there is indeed an issue here.

Agreed 50/50 is not the norm most people don't live anywhere near ex

Also my ex still hasn't contact till this day for failure to provide contact details and my lad is 15 mediator told him he would not give leave to go to court as judge would say the same thing that not do I have a right but a duty to know we're son is and because he wouldn't provide an adress for so partly because it was HMp scrubs DS has lost intrest now and thinks he's a nob