Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won't tell me where my baby is

117 replies

sanityisamyth · 28/03/2015 22:25

Huge back story which some people might remember but I'm separated from my husband due to his behaviour and starting a relationship with some other woman.

This weekend I suggested he had our son overnight as he spends very little time together but said I was unhappy about him staying at the GF's house as I haven't met her yet and I'm not ready to.

Husband collected our son at midday but refused to tell me where he was going to take him. I have sent him a few messages throughout the day which have all been ignored until I got a reply saying that he was asleep.

Am I overreacting to want to know where my baby has been for the last 10 hours or where he is sleeping tonight?

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 29/03/2015 00:47

Have you contacted CB? The only details they need are child's details and bank details.
You will need cb to be able to single claim for tax credits etc.

Oswin · 29/03/2015 00:48

You need to ring up the child benefit people sharpish and get it transferred. Then ring the csa or cmo i think its called now. Don't let him shirk his financial responsibility to his son.

mathanxiety · 29/03/2015 02:09

Why do you want your son to have a relationship with the father who does not send money to support him and is clearly only interested in the 'relationship' because it affords him a chance to poke you in the eye?

I strongly suggest you stop this nonsense.

No fatherly contact is better than contact with a man who doesn't value his son for himself but only uses him to score points against you.

Move on and stop trying to make a silk purse out of a pig's ear. This man is not ready to offer his son the positives of a relationship.

flora717 · 29/03/2015 08:10

It doesn't look good for the OP's exes motives does it? No matter if he is fed up with something she has said /done. It's not a game, it's reassuring to know because in the very unlikely event something happens (emergency) this becomes useful. (For example being able to give the address to a friend for pickup when I was admitted to hospital, when my ex was playing his not answwring the phone game.
It's not necessary legally, it's just rational and sensible to share information about usual destinations, phone numbers and put the children first.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/03/2015 08:14

I wouldn't have contacted the police either. But if he doesn't bring him back, then I would.

MTWTFSS · 29/03/2015 08:23

sanityisamyth As long as you have your DH's NI number there is a form online where you can change which account the Child benefit goes into :)

MTWTFSS · 29/03/2015 08:24

online.hmrc.gov.uk/shortforms/form/CBOCH1702e

londonrach · 29/03/2015 08:24

Sorry op your stbxh is not doing anything wrong here. As others said he can introduce your ds to whoever he likes. Id be more concerned about sorting the finances. You need to close the joint account and get dh mobile bill paid from his own account. As for cb i think you can get that sorted yourself. Go to cab if you need advice. What time is your stbxh bringing your ds back today. Hugs are hard but he has done nothing wrong x

MTWTFSS · 29/03/2015 08:25

The child benefit used to go into my husband's account... I soon changed that Grin

textfan · 29/03/2015 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heidiwine · 29/03/2015 09:03

OP - I don't think that you are putting your child first when you say that you are going to allow only supervised contact and no overnights. Your son is also your exes son. I know it must be beyond horrible not knowing where he is and suspecting that another woman may be assuming your role BUT for the sake of your son you have to get over that.
Sort out your finances. Sort out a fair and reasonable access pattern (including overnights ) go to the CSA (or whatever they are now) and use all those things to break your ties with your ex in the interests of your JOINT child.

Starlightbright1 · 29/03/2015 10:31

I think this is a be careful what you wish for.

The Girlfriend is a red herring.

It sounds like you are both bitter. He is probably with G friend. The reason he hasn't replied is , you can't tell him where he can and can't go. So he has choices ignore you, lie or face a confrontation.

You can sort out the financial stuff. They are not connected.
. As he has payday loans you need your money separating asap. Write to credit companies making sure you are separated financially.

If you think he isn't bothered about contact then don't push it. I haven't read your previous thread I wonder if GF is an OW or you are struggling to let go.

He did let you know baby was ok. You also don't really have grounds to go supervised as it has been fine for you to have him overnight.

I am sorry to sound harsh. I realise this is really difficult for you and you need to find a way forward.

Cherryapple1 · 29/03/2015 10:35

You can phone child benefit and get the money paid to you. You can also file a claim for child maintenance. It just takes 2 phone calls. And check your credit report to ensure he hasn't taken any loans out in your name.

popalot · 29/03/2015 10:37

Sanity you have reached the conclusion that you needed to - not to encourage any visits. If he calls and asks for a visit, that is different and you can make up some excuses as to why it can't be an overnighter on that particular day. But if he rarely calls, don't encourage it. IME you'll be having lots of sleepless nights worrying and if he's not a nice man your son will only suffer at some point. He's obv trying to control you with not telling something he could quite easily tell you. Don't feel guilty if he doesn't contact your son very often - that's his fault.

Littlemonstersrule · 29/03/2015 10:39

Parents who stop contact with the NRP over the simpliest of things need the book throwing at them by the judge.

You say he is not a risk to the child but because you can't dictate where your child is at every minute you'll cease contact. I suspect you don't log in with him every minute of every day so why the double standards?

Unless the GF is judged a risk by SS or the court, no judge will ban your DH from being with her on contact time.

sandgrown · 29/03/2015 10:53

If you had an idea he would do this why did you push for contact? Many years ago when DH left for OW I am ashamed to say one of the reasons I encouraged overnight stays was because I knew it would piss her off as she liked an active social life. My ex had lots of contact with them and hard as it was I had to accept she would be around. If he has PR and no risk to child you may not be able to stop him. You may find he is more forthcoming if you stop dictating to him what he can do. Could he leave contact details with his mum in case of emergency?

HJGranger · 29/03/2015 11:10

My ex also refuses to give me his address. He has our two young DC on Saturdays and Sundays although not overnight. Next weekend will be the first whole weekend that he has them.

There is nothing I can do about not knowing where he lives. He has as many rights as I do and I've just got to accept and trust that he will take care of them. I have no say in who he has around them either. Just like he has no say in where I take them or who with.

It is hard to get your head around.

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 11:27

I think it would be a mistake to not allow overnight visits tbh. You have allowed it and your ex, money issues aside, has done nothing (legally) wrong. You are in danger of ending up coming across as a bitter person who isn't putting their child first. I know this isn't the case, but it can easily be made out this way.

You obviously trust him with your son, as you let him take him. So what has happened since your ex took which means you have grounds to prevent it?

If he started telling you where and when you can take the child, most people would call him a controlling bastard. Don't fall into making it look like you are trying to control him.

Its all very shit, I know.

Also you can move child benefit, without needing anything from your ex. I think you need to spend sometime looking into looking into your situation. You seem quite unprepared and taking your exs word for things. I get that, but its time to look at everything with your own eyes.

ThatIsNachoCheese · 29/03/2015 11:29

I think I would have to insist on having an address where they will be. Is that an option for next time? Perfectly reasonable to want to know where your child is!

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 29/03/2015 11:35

he has PR

He doesn't have to tell you where he is going or who he is with, during contact its really none of your business.

Your DS is a child, not a pawn, not a weapon. He has a right to a relationship with both his parents.

You can't stop contact just because you don't like where his dad is choosing to stay, or who is he with.

However, he is also being a twat for being obstructive for no good reason, and not paying his way properly.

The two of you seriously need to grow up.

bloodyteenagers · 29/03/2015 11:58

His mum (family solicitor) will also have advised him that legally he doesn't have to provide an address. Morally yes.

I really don't understand why you are going to stop contact and only have supervised contact.

What you going to say if he takes you to court for proper unsupervised contact? You stopped it because you couldn't be in control?

ThatIsNachoCheese · 29/03/2015 12:16

I would let him take me to court for access if he refused to tell me where my child would be.

Do you not think it's reasonable to expect to know where you child is being looked after?

It's petty and controlling for ops ex to not tell her.

seriouslypeedoff · 29/03/2015 12:30

ThatisNachoCheese yes it is petty. However, legally, he hasn't done anything wrong. The OP clearly trusts get ex to have him, so it will be get that looks worse.

Both parents need to stop what they are doing and start looking at what is best for the child. Having an upset mother (as the op is because of her ex) is not best, so the ex should tell her. But neither is saying you can only have our child if you do exactly as I say. The OP can not use the child to control the ex.

ThatIsNachoCheese · 29/03/2015 12:50

I agree. But wanting to know where her baby is isn't being controlling?

DisappointedOne · 29/03/2015 13:01

Unless she tells her ex where his son is every minute of the day then yes, Nacho, it is.

Swipe left for the next trending thread