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AIBU?

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Original poster

aibu to have kicked my son out tonight ?

247 replies

mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:02

ours has been a close family but tonight it was all blown apart because of one of my 17 year old son's behaviour, he certainly isn't ds anymore as a result.
last november, he was found down loading seriously nasty hard core porn, i'm broad minded but this was really bad stuff, he sister discovered it by mistake on his lap top after she asked to borrow it, massive melt down in the household as a result, the 'invasion of his privacy' caused a massive row and his siblings wanted him booted out over night as they were so disgusted by his attitude to it all, his lap top, thankfully, developed a bad virus from something he had watched and crashed the entire system as a result, so it was thrown out. which brings us to this evening, it appears that he has been watching again on his games console which has internet connection, he admits when his laptop when down he logged on to the console, the images and videos are truly vile, violent and not restricted to hard porn, it involves animal torture, cruelty to animals and women, thankfully no children, i was so angry i threw him out, phoned his estranged father who can only have him until tuesday, (back story there] and then i don't know what happens, but to be honest i don't care, there has never been any reason to suspect anything was wrong. he is polite and helpful, loves the family pets, goes to college, has no problems that i'm aware of, but he has turned into someone i don't know anymore.
does anyone have any ideas ? i don't want him here anymore.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:06

Has anyone sat down and spoke with him about it?

Porn addiction/Internet addiction is a very real thing. There are programs of treatment for it.

Can you get him to visit the GP for a referral?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:08

Also- you'd be surprised at people's porn tastes. It takes all sorts, it doesn't change who he actually is.

I agree that if it is violent or hurting people or animals that it is beyond the pale, but he won't be the first to get hooked and start looking for more extreme material.
They get so numb to it that it takes more and more to have the desired effect. Like a drug really.

Nohootingchickenssleeping · 28/03/2015 00:09

How on earth do you think kicking him out will help?

Rhinosaurus · 28/03/2015 00:09

You need to set extremely firm boundaries. After the initial discovery of the images, he should have been denied Internet access via your router.

If you really don't want him there, write a letter saying you are no longer willing to have him in the house and take him to your locsl
Authority one stop shop or housing office. As an under 18 they have a responsibility to house him somewhere appropriate, and social services would be involved.

Have you actually asked him why he is looking at these images and discussed with him why they are inappropriate?

Rhinosaurus · 28/03/2015 00:10

I forgot to say, if he is housed somewhere, and has no family support his potential outcomes will not be good.

Rather than a knee jerk reaction you should be trying to address the root cause of why he is accessing extreme porn.

CalicoBlue · 28/03/2015 00:11

I can see that the type of porn he is interested in is shocking and I can imagine upsetting for you, but I do not see why that would mean he has to leave the house and is no longer your dear son.

He is only 17. Does he understand why this is not appropriate? I would be talking to him not kicking him out.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2015 00:13

It's your internet - put parental controls on it, should have been done years ago.

If he downloads illegal stuff you and your dh could be prosecuted.

TwinkieTwinkle · 28/03/2015 00:15

Oh dear, I really feel for you OP. I would suggest an immediate appointment with your GP to find out about counselling. I would then suggest changing the password for your internet connection and not allow your son have it, until he allows you install antivirus and monitoring software.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 28/03/2015 00:18

You can specify mac addresses on your router so everyone else gets WiFi but not him. He probably needs some kind of intervention and counselling.

TheoriginalLEM · 28/03/2015 00:18

You threw your ds out for looking at porn???? Hmm

porn is a massive problem. You need to take issue with it and guide your ds.

i don't mean to be unkind but this is a serious parenting fail on your part.

It sounds horrible what he was looking at but i had to come to bed earlier than usual tonight because my dp is watching aviolent movie on the tv. We are exposed to this shit all the time especially as teenagers. eventually you get desensitised.

seriously you need to put your ds before your principals. Porn is damaging and i worry alot about how it skews young peoples views on sex and relationships.

but punishment is not the way here.

i say this as someone who used to watch alot of porn and thought people who disliked it were prudes. only when i stopped to think about who might be filming this stuff did i think. fuck that!

Original poster
mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:23

he was denied access but has hacked back in to the internet. i don't understand why he's doing this but i've booted him because i'm very uncomfortable with him around since the first bust up plus he has acted a bit weird around my dds in the past. never connected it until now. just don't want him in the family home. have spoken to him about it but he thinks it a bit of a laugh and can't see why everyone is disgusted with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:27

theorig this isn't just hard core porn, please read my post again, i'm talking about similar to snuff type films and gang rape type stuff how is that a parenting fail ??

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:29

How has he acted weird around dd's?

He is probably trying to laugh it off- as many normal people would- as he's completely mortified about being caught!

Don't let your feelings colour what is actually happening at the moment.

VanitasVanitatum · 28/03/2015 00:29

He's probably horribly embarrassed. He needs help. He is your son, fine you don't want him around your daughters that's tour call but don't abandon him.

emotionsecho · 28/03/2015 00:29

Is the stuff he is watching actually legal? Does he have to pay to view it?

He either needs serious psychological help or locking up frankly, there is always the danger that watching hard core porn and animal cruelty will become doing it.

shinynewnamechange · 28/03/2015 00:29

Its a parenting fail because you are just washing your hands of him and didn't really do anything the first time.

Take him to your GP!

Triooooooooooo · 28/03/2015 00:29

If he's been looking at people having sex with animals he could be getting a visit from the police.

He won't be so cocky when he's on the front page of the local rag for watching dolly the sheep being rodgered by pete the farmer.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:31

Mrsfuzzy it is a parenting fail unfortunately, but I can't say that all of us wouldn't do the same in your shoes.

I understand you are shocked and that your son is 'no longer the boy that you thought you knew'... But
A) Loads of teenagers look up vile stuff on the Internet
B) is he doing it to fit in with a crowd or is this for him?
C) if its for him, then can you not support him to get help? Or would you rather wash your hands of him?

confusedandemployed · 28/03/2015 00:33

Of course it's not a parenting fail. OP you have my sympathy but I have no constructive advice I'm afraid. All I know is that in your shoes I would struggle to do anything else.
However it is clearly a significant problem, both in severity and nature. Is there any male role model on the scene at all who may be able to talk to him?

SoonToBeSix · 28/03/2015 00:33

Your ds needs help quickly not throwing on the street. He is still a child you do realise that don't you?

Original poster
mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:34

we had parental controls but then that penalises the rest of the household, no one else is watching this crap. it's easy to sit back and be judgy but you're not in my situation.
if my dh cheated on me or was the one doing this, a lot of mners would say what a perv and kick him out.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:36

Perhaps MNers would say LTB... But this isn't a husband- this is your son. You're in charge of his well being.

Put parental controls on. I'm sure given the circumstances nobody in the house will mind. It shouldn't block too many legit web searches anyway.

honeyroar · 28/03/2015 00:38

Watching a violent film is a heck of a lot different from watching animals and women tortured and raped TheRealLEM. One is pretend, the other is really something getting tortured/hurt, so hardly comparable, and hardly even describable as porn.

I'd probably react in a similar way. It won't do him any harm to be thrown out and stay at his dads for a few days. Then tell him if he wants to come home he has to seriously address this issue and get counselling properly.

In my opinion this type of porn is for someone with mental health issues and he needs to understand it and address it.

Original poster
mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:39

he's not a child he's 17 and will be 18 in two months time, that does not count in maturity terms, but when i spoke to him originally about seeing someone who could help, he refused to go, i said again tonlght we could help him get help from the gp etc but he said he wasn't going. doesn't want/need help, 'go fuck that idea '.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:41

thank you honeyroar, but as i said he flatly refuses to get help.

OP posts:
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