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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to have kicked my son out tonight ?

247 replies

mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:02

ours has been a close family but tonight it was all blown apart because of one of my 17 year old son's behaviour, he certainly isn't ds anymore as a result.
last november, he was found down loading seriously nasty hard core porn, i'm broad minded but this was really bad stuff, he sister discovered it by mistake on his lap top after she asked to borrow it, massive melt down in the household as a result, the 'invasion of his privacy' caused a massive row and his siblings wanted him booted out over night as they were so disgusted by his attitude to it all, his lap top, thankfully, developed a bad virus from something he had watched and crashed the entire system as a result, so it was thrown out. which brings us to this evening, it appears that he has been watching again on his games console which has internet connection, he admits when his laptop when down he logged on to the console, the images and videos are truly vile, violent and not restricted to hard porn, it involves animal torture, cruelty to animals and women, thankfully no children, i was so angry i threw him out, phoned his estranged father who can only have him until tuesday, (back story there] and then i don't know what happens, but to be honest i don't care, there has never been any reason to suspect anything was wrong. he is polite and helpful, loves the family pets, goes to college, has no problems that i'm aware of, but he has turned into someone i don't know anymore.
does anyone have any ideas ? i don't want him here anymore.

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 28/03/2015 00:42

Exactly, age is just a number.

So he is uncommunicative. Can you force him into some group therapy under a "Do this or move the fuck out" scenario?

If you don't help him now, and help him recognise his issues then life is not going to be easy for him. Nor you, whether you decide to help him or not- your decision now will weigh on your mind forever.

emotionsecho · 28/03/2015 00:50

Has he downloaded it onto the games console or is that not possible? Either way it will surely be on your internet history and if what he has been watching is illegal you could be in a whole heap of trouble.

If it were me, and I'm going purely on what you have said he's been downloading/watching, I would contact the police it may actually be the only way he will get help.

Original poster
mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 00:53

he just doesn't get that it's wrong, my dh has spoken with him but it's water off a ducks back, he has made his sisters feel uncomfortable in the respect they don't like being around him since the original bust up, even his brothers have said he's a perv, it makes for a very uncomfortable situation,
thanks for the input mners, i'm going to ride out the weekend, then as someone suggested talk to him, get help or get out for good.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 28/03/2015 00:55

Yes. If you can't persuade him to voluntarily get counselling I would probably tell the police (or tell him you will if he doesn't address this). Throwing him out and threatening police may just shock him enough that you are serious about not letting this continue?

Hugs to you by the way, it must be bloody awful for you.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2015 00:56

How does it penalise the rest of the household ?

It only blocks adult websites and pornography - it doesn't block educational
Websites that your children need for school or gaming websites.

And if you and your dh want to watch restricted websites then it takes 2 seconds to log in and approve the website.

People really need to learn to control the technology in their homes.

I don't think you've done anything wrong by kicking him out if you think he's a danger to female children - I do think you have created this situation by not restricting this for years.

What you're describing is incredibly damaging and addictive and an adolescent cannot process it like an adult - and he's been watching this stuff for years since you didn't restrict it.

TheoriginalLEM · 28/03/2015 00:58

you risk losing your ds for this - are you prepared for that?

TheoriginalLEM · 28/03/2015 00:59

also . please stop calling your dona perv.That is horrible

Original poster
mrsfuzzy · 28/03/2015 01:22

laurie actually we've only had internet access for the last 6 months, so he has not been watching this for 'years'.theorig, i 'm going to try to work this out but if it ultimately means cutting him adrift then so be what/who is dona ? his sibs don't want to be around him.
as for the 'parent fail' critics, i bet you feel so smug, you never get it wrong obviously.
thank you for all constructive help though, night all.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 28/03/2015 01:36

LEM, the OP saying her other children call her son a perv is nowhere near as horrible as said son watching and getting enjoyment or gratification from seeing animals tortured and women gang raped. Also, I think she has already lost the son she thought she had.

A 17 year old is perfectly capable of processing exactly what he is seeing, his reaction to the first instance shows he knows exactly that.

OP I think you did the right thing in removing him from your house, you have other children to consider. Does your ex know what he has been watching, is he likely to support you in this?

Snuff films are illegal, I'd be inclined to report this to the police as they need all the help they can get to shut down these websites and prosecute those who run them.

Take care of yourselfFlowers

pnutter · 28/03/2015 01:37

My son is 21 just for background.

Please don't demonise your son.
I feel for you because it's a shock to see our kids experimenting .
But he needs you .

pnutter · 28/03/2015 01:40

There is a reason somewhere , that he's looking at this stuff.
How shit must he feel at 17. Help him find it.

kali110 · 28/03/2015 01:53

It was a massive shock but he is still your son!
He hasn't killed anybody, how can you say he isn't your son??
He probably is trying to just laugh it off and act like he isnt bothered because it sounds like everybody in the house is against him!
His sisters and brothers are calling him a perv and his mother thinks the same! How isolating that must have been.No wonder he's not listening to you and rejecting offers of help. I can understand you sending to his dads to get over the shock but it should have been for the night i can only imagine how rejected he's feeling now.
You say he's still acted the same, is he really a danger or is it just because of what he's been looking at ?
He is still your son. Doesn't matter how old he is.
I can't imagine ever disowning a child.

honeyroar · 28/03/2015 02:06

Those never imagining disowning a child probably haven't been in anything like this situation. Where do you draw the line? When it progresses to watching children hurt and raped? When you find out he is raping animals/children himself?? Experimenting!!! Aww, bless him, NOT!! He IS a pervert, son or not. Those that would stroke his head and keep their rose coloured glasses on kind of disgust me too. Sorry, but I have an image of these animals getting tortured in my head and I would like to beat seven bells out of those involved in such sick things.

Topseyt · 28/03/2015 02:49

I would hesitate to use the term "parenting fail" because I am not a perfect parent. I think "there but for the grace of god go all parents" and none of us can be complacent.

I have Norton Family on my youngest daughter's computer. You put that on the device itself rather than on the router. It can go on laptops, tablets, mobile phones etc. I'm guessing it could also go on games consoles?? If you have paid for Norton antivirus then you can get it and the basic version is no extra cost (premium is). You get a large selection of tick boxes allowing you to customise what material to block and if any attempt is made to access forbidden sites then it sends you an email each time.

17 isn't a child. It just isn't officially an adult either, and many of them still think they know it all. It is a very difficult age. By law you are still responsible for them, but it isn't as clear cut as when they were much younger and if there is a way to flout something then they will find it.

I may well have done as you have done. I would now be tempted to say that if he wishes to return he can under certain conditions. 1) He accepts some parental control on his computer and other devices. 2) He gets help from the GP. 3) He accepts that you are going to report to the police about what he has been downloading. 4) He must acknowledge that these images are not victimless crimes. Another man, woman, child or animal has suffered in order for each one to be recorded.

Only you really know him and his attitudes though. No-one else. Only you know what effect it is really having on the rest of you, and that is also important. Your call. Parenting an "almost adult" who doesn't accept it is very different from parenting a child. In two months he is no longer a minor. For me that is when the rules become "whilst living in my house you abide by my rules or you find other arrangements". 17 going on 18 is perfectly capable of understanding that.

Topseyt · 28/03/2015 03:00

Just adding, this sort of behaviour would not be tolerated in this house either. You have to work out whether or not there is a way forward at present under the same roof.

Some posters seem to be talking as though you have thrown a young child out. You haven't. He is practically an adult and you have made plain that his behaviour won't be tolerated using one of the few tools left in your arsenal.

pnutter · 28/03/2015 03:20

I feel really sorry for your son. How is throwing him out going to help .
He probaby assumes you hate him and think he's a weirdo
im the first to admit I find parenting beyond hard . but he's a kid. Dont saddle him with a sex offender status . unfortunately that stuff is easily accessible

pnutter · 28/03/2015 03:25

You've said yourself he's very caring and loving. The stuff available on the Internet is not him. He is still your d's.

Topseyt · 28/03/2015 03:50

17 is not a "kid" and is old enough to understand perfectly what he has done, why it is unacceptable etc.

I feel no sympathy for anyone who watches such depravity. This young man has been told before and has ignored it. It is perverting him so his siblings and mother no longer feel comfortable around him. Some things you just can't live with.

Do those feeling sorry for him and shouting "parenting fail" actually have "children" of this age group? I do.

pnutter · 28/03/2015 03:58

Yes I do.

wickedlazy · 28/03/2015 03:58

Op he has been watching animals being tortured. Not once or twice? Multiple times? Any "normal" person exits the page as soon as they see any sign of things like this. He is very nearly an adult. He sees nothing wrong with watching this disgusting filth. Those poor animals. He is old enough to know some poor animal had to suffer to make these clips.

I'll repeat and simplify. This 17 year old enjoys watching animals being tortured, and other acts of violence.

You were right to kick him out. You are within your rights (and in my opinion it would be completely fair) to not let him come back. If you want to disown him, that's your call. It all boils down to him getting "help" or not. He is not a naughty 3 year old pulling a dogs tail. Do you think he could be helped? Imo, the men that enjoy these things never "recover".

He is good with the family pets, but when he is out does he engage in dog fighting/badger baiting etc? Making these videos is the next step.

Your other children and their disgust are a testament to the fact you have tried to bring them all up right. You sound like a good person. But he doesn't Sad Sometimes people just are what they are, no rhyme or reason as to why. Flowers You must be heartbroken.

wickedlazy · 28/03/2015 04:19

To all those bleating on about "it's just porn".

This is a bait dog. One that was rescued in time to receive veterinary care. Far worse is done in the name of entertainment than what this poor fella went through. Depraved doesn't cover it.

[Message from MNHQ - we've had a number of reports from people who were distressed by the image, so have removed it now. wickedlazy, you're welcome to re-post it as a link, with an appropriate warning]

EstRusMum · 28/03/2015 05:39

Will you cut all your DCs out when new problems appear?

ilovesooty · 28/03/2015 05:43

There are programmes available to monitor Internet offending.

www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/computer_monitoring_individuals.htm

You say there are no child images currently but it may only be a matter of time before there are. His viewing is focused on exploitation of the vulnerable already.
You can't force him into therapy yourself if he won't go but in my opinion it would be perfectly reasonable to inform the police about his activities. He may be less inclined to say "fuck that" If he realises the legal implications. And if your other children are younger he represents a safeguarding risk in your household.
I speak as someone who is training in accredited programmes on Internet offending and addiction.

Primadonnagirl · 28/03/2015 05:49

I don't see what kicking him out achieves. I can absolutely understand your anger and disgust but how is making him homeless going to solve this problem? You don't have to stroke his hand and say " there,there," ...you can tell him how revolting his actions are etc but you can't wash your hands of him.17 is a v vulnerable age anyway..a God knows what else he would be exposed to if he's on the street. You don't have to like him OP but you do have to love him.And loving him means getting him help.

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