aibu to have kicked my son out tonight ?

[mrsfuzzy]

ours has been a close family but tonight it was all blown apart because of one of my 17 year old son's behaviour, he certainly isn't ds anymore as a result.
last november, he was found down loading seriously nasty hard core porn, i'm broad minded but this was really bad stuff, he sister discovered it by mistake on his lap top after she asked to borrow it, massive melt down in the household as a result, the 'invasion of his privacy' caused a massive row and his siblings wanted him booted out over night as they were so disgusted by his attitude to it all, his lap top, thankfully, developed a bad virus from something he had watched and crashed the entire system as a result, so it was thrown out. which brings us to this evening, it appears that he has been watching again on his games console which has internet connection, he admits when his laptop when down he logged on to the console, the images and videos are truly vile, violent and not restricted to hard porn, it involves animal torture, cruelty to animals and women, thankfully no children, i was so angry i threw him out, phoned his estranged father who can only have him until tuesday, (back story there] and then i don't know what happens, but to be honest i don't care, there has never been any reason to suspect anything was wrong. he is polite and helpful, loves the family pets, goes to college, has no problems that i'm aware of, but he has turned into someone i don't know anymore.
does anyone have any ideas ? i don't want him here anymore.

mrsfuzzy please do try to calm down and be rational. GP appointment for yourself is a good idea it sounds like you're overwhelmed, but for your son? It will probably transpire that half the boys in his class are viewing these images and that's where he found about them. Not good or right but probable and painting your child as a sex offender and anandoning him to who know what influences just when you need to step up is not the answer.
Most of us who have parented or who are parenting teens will have been through some sort of 'crisis' with them. Not necessarily this same scenario but we do understand and it is hard work.
It's sometomes harder in blended families too. Have you considered how family dynamics are playing into this.
Please do not give into the hysterical reactions of people who don't know you, don't know your an, don't know the life he has had or the challenges he faces. You don't give up on your child. Boys his age are particularly vulnerable. Heaven forbid he turns to self harm but too many confused boys do.
GP for you and lots of love for him.

I think chucking him out - Temporarily- and only letting him back if conditions are met.

Unlike a poster up thread, I don't expect boys/men to repeatedly access rape and snuff porn, I don't see why women want to be around men who do. He had his warning - you followed through showing him how serious you are. Now hopefully he will understand.

I'm astonished at posters who are minimising and calling this experimenting. I'm astonished at posters who seem more upset about animals being hurt than real live women but hey...I'm astonished that people think young girls should happily live with men who watch brutal porn every night. That's so fucked up.

To all those saying she is wrong to kick her son out: what do you expect her to do when/if her son refuses to get help on Monday? Support that son at the potential sacrifice of her other children?

It's such a difficult position that the op has been put in and I honestly don't see what else she can do if he refuses help, laughs whenever it is discussed and point blank refuses to even acknowledge the depravity of the images he has downloaded/watched.

Mumbehavingbadly: "It will probably transpire that half the boys in his class are viewing these images and that's where he found about them."

Most teenage boys these days are watching videos of gang rape and animals being tortured?

JohnFarleysRuskin - I agree totally.

Obviously making a firm diagnosis would need more information than we have here but my training indicates that there are enough indicators to be concerning.
Of course you can't force therapy on someone who doesn't want it but I think he needs to realise the safeguarding implications and be informed of the possible legal repercussions.

john I completely agree with your posts. I think we live in a parallel universe to some posters

op I think you have done the right thing. You have least given yourself some breathing space to figure out your next move. The laughing it off would really concern me. I caught the back end if a snuff movie many years ago and it disturbed me for mnths afterwards.- still does now if I think about it. So for him to be watching material like this - somthing is wrong.

I'm glad your not not sweeping it under the carpet

What a terrible situation to be in OP, when you find out your child has done something that shocks you like this it's not always possible to be calm and reasonable as an immediate response there have been plenty of unhelpful sanctimonious replies but any number of parental controls on Internet usage at home would not prevent a 17 year old who is determined to access this. His reaction may also be defensive and he may well be ashamed of what he is done and be trying to brave it out. Hopefully you can get your son the help he needs .

Personally I'm not sure that any crisis is helped by throwing a DC out. My DF threw all of his DCs out at various points. It only serves to make the DC feel isolated and betrayed. It might be temporarily helpful for the parent but it doesn't help the DC who has been kicked out.

Your DS needs to talk to someone. I don't think that person is you, OP. tbh I think you've been too quick to label him and leave him to his own devices both this time and the first time it happened. I remember reading parenting advice that said how your DCs act shouldn't be viewed through the prism of how it impacts you ie this isn't about you. It is about your DS and you don't seem able to offer him the support and/or advice he needs. You've isolated him within the family, you've labelled him and encouraged your other DCs to do so too, and now you've isolated him by putting him out of the house.

I've no idea what's going on with your DS. The thing is, you don't either because you were happy to label him the last time and then move on. Is his behaviour curiosity like a PP said or a sign of a deeper issue? I have no idea, but isolating him from every support network he has, is only going to exacerbate any problems he has. However, pretending to support him when actually you're demonising him, isn't going to help either.

If you can't focus on offering him support then I'd suggest you try to find another adult family member who can offer him a secure, safe place to stay and who can encourage your DS to access counselling. Or contact the student welfare services at his college.

You also need to try to rebuild the rest of your family. Throwing a DC out has wide-reaching implications for their siblings too.

NotDavidTenant ... You might be surprised by what most teenagers (boys and girls) are watching online.

Most children may not have watched these particular images but if one child in a social group has seen them you can bet that others will have too.

The only thing I can agree with in this OPs posts is that parents do need to be more aware.

The world has changed dramatically since we were children due to technological advances - even a 25 year old grew up in a different world to the OPs 17 year old.

Think the darkest thoughts you can and any child over 10 who has unrestricted internet access is likely to have come across or very close to them. They don't even have to go deliberately looking.

It doesn't make them mad or bad (even if they watch them again after being told not to - that's teenage rebellion, hot headedness, confusion, hormone fuelled excitement ) but they do need parental guidance to help them make good choices into the future.

Op I feel terribly sorry for you son. He obviously has a very serious problem and you're leaving him completely alone.

He can't sort this himself. You are his parent. He needs very serious help. You can't just abandon him now.

Mumbehavingbadly are you serious? GP for OP and lots of love for son as a reward for watching images of animal rape and torture?
Clearly the world has become a far different place in the twenty years since I was his age....

If its a case of teenage boys sharing nasty videos to test their friends' reactions, that is a completely different situation to your ds actively searching for awful films.

The first needs some education about how videos like this are illegal for a reason, plus give it a year and they probably won't be doing it any more, the second indicates something way worse and more worrying.

You can work out which it is, and then will have to go from there with how you deal with the situation.

And yes, I do think if it is the second situation, he is a perv. And he will need help otherwise he may just get worse. At 17 he is just a child, but most 17 yos do not enjoy films like this and actively go looking for them. This is not just curiosity.

Also, no one here can say you're a bad parent without knowing you. Sometimes things go wrong through no fault of your own.

Elisheva I disagree. You're essentially saying it's all nurture and no nature.

Course it's not a parenting fail.

A parenting fail would be continuing to let your son to get off nightly on the cries of brutalised and murdered women and saying to your dd "oh your husbands will do this too honey" or "don't worry kids, half the class are doing the same"

elisha your talking out your arsehole. I don't think I've read such a judgemental post on MN. Have you any children by the way? If so how old are they?

So anything your dc do is ultimately your fault? At what age should they take responsibility? At 17 I lived on my own in a flat with my dd1. I knew right from wrong then and a separation in the family does not mean your children may start watching the material op ds have.

I think the internet access is a red herring. Most household packages would have an automatic ban on this sort of content regardless of parental controls and the OP has already mentioned he's savvy enough to hack in. So it seems not only would it be circumvented (and is likely already installed at some level) but don't forget there are many ways for him to get his own access at his age outside of the household- phone, mifi, dongle etc.

None of us can really say whether the content he is watching is illegal. It is possible to depict rape and animal cruelty in legal porn, it's not straight forward. However the police child protection unit may be a good place to start for clarification and support. You do need to get him into some kind of support programme - he clearly can't control his urge to watch- and I would spent the weekend researching your next move whilst he's at his fathers. Also agree you and the dad need to put on a united front

Joyful, but how did you know right from wrong? How were you able to live an independent, responsible life? Who taught you morals?
It's not just the parents, but they do have the biggest influence on what a child becomes. And yes, I believe it's almost all nurture.

Basically, if a man does anything wrong then it's his mother's fault for failing to bring him up right.

Misogyny is alive and well...

Elisheva sanctimonious twaddle, good parenting increases the chances of having successful well adjusted children but doesn't guarentee it. Let's hope your attitude doesn't come back to bite you in the bum

I said parents, not mother.

I knew right from wrong because society generally turns its nose up at rape and animal cruelty never mind the snuff films. Are op other children watching this? No, we're they disgusted along with op ? Yes. Which suggests op treated them all the same. Her son chose to do this.

This country has a big problem with people always looking to place blame on other peoples toes. 'They did this because of X,Y,Z' , they murdered so so and so because of XYZ, they were a pedophile because of XYZ instead of just accepting they did it because they wanted to.

Elisheva how would a traumatic break up lead to this?! Rebelling and spending the night in the park with friends getting drunk yes but to view such vile things on the Internet...no. My parents separation certainly didn't lead me to want to view women being involved in violent sex or animals being abused. A 17 year old knows full well right from wrong and I don't believe a parental break down leads to this

You also didn't answer if you had children and what age they are