aibu to have kicked my son out tonight ?

[mrsfuzzy]

ours has been a close family but tonight it was all blown apart because of one of my 17 year old son's behaviour, he certainly isn't ds anymore as a result.
last november, he was found down loading seriously nasty hard core porn, i'm broad minded but this was really bad stuff, he sister discovered it by mistake on his lap top after she asked to borrow it, massive melt down in the household as a result, the 'invasion of his privacy' caused a massive row and his siblings wanted him booted out over night as they were so disgusted by his attitude to it all, his lap top, thankfully, developed a bad virus from something he had watched and crashed the entire system as a result, so it was thrown out. which brings us to this evening, it appears that he has been watching again on his games console which has internet connection, he admits when his laptop when down he logged on to the console, the images and videos are truly vile, violent and not restricted to hard porn, it involves animal torture, cruelty to animals and women, thankfully no children, i was so angry i threw him out, phoned his estranged father who can only have him until tuesday, (back story there] and then i don't know what happens, but to be honest i don't care, there has never been any reason to suspect anything was wrong. he is polite and helpful, loves the family pets, goes to college, has no problems that i'm aware of, but he has turned into someone i don't know anymore.
does anyone have any ideas ? i don't want him here anymore.

Rather than kicking him out, I would say how utterly utterly devastated you are. Really emphasize the disappointment.

It may be a flash in the pan thing. We all make mistakes as teens.

Littlemonsters really, it's likely OP's daughter's future husbands will watch animals being raped and tortured?
The thing is... Some adults do very bad, dark things. And these adults were presumably showing signs of their inclinations at age 17.
I'm not surprised OP doesn't want him around her younger children.

Some adults do very bad, dark things. And these adults were presumably showing signs of their inclinations at age 17. I'm not surprised OP doesn't want him around her younger children.

This.

Agree that throwing him out may not be the right approach but am a bit shocked at the laissez faire attitude on here. My son will grow up knowing there are limits on what is acceptable and I won't tolerate him viewing whatever is out there just because it's out there or because others do it or because "it's only actors". It's damaging to individuals and to others.

. I may not be able to control what he does but he'll know where the boundaries lie. We have to take back control over this tide of violent, demeaning, dangerous stuff but we are all being terribly modern about it and thinking teenagers can regulate themselves.

OP I feel for you. You need to rebuild relations with your son and see if there's any help out there for him. He may not take it but it's a big clue for him that this needs to be controlled.

OP

What a horrid situation to be in!

He has an addiction. He has probably been accessing it via phone or elsewhere for more than 6 months. As with all addictions this will keep escalating and could end with child images.

I would have kicked him out too.

But what to do after Tuesday? Him going to a hostel isn't going to help his addiction. But you do need to protect your DDs.

Is there any way he can stay at his dad's l

Littlemonsters, that is utter bollocks.

You think that watching animals being tortured and people being raped is acceptable in some way and that OP's daughters should accept that their husbands are likely to do it?? Looks like you do. Unbelievable!!

Unconditional love is not always an apt phrase. OP will always love her son, I am sure, but she doesn't have to love what he is doing or has become. You can end up in a situation where tough love is required. Police reports, getting him out of the family home etc. Then, it either has the desired effect or not.

OP must safeguard her younger children, and him being in their home may not be conducive to that. If she takes no action and allows him to stay unconditionally then she could eventually stand accused of not parenting them properly.

The most sensible post on here is mumbehavingbadly's. OP, if you haven't read it, read it. If you have, read it again.

I'm not surprised that your other kids have turned on him and demonised him as this is exactly what you have done, they are modelling you. I don't think you even seem to know if he was masturbating whilst watching it or just looking for shocking videos (apologies if I have missed it though) If you have only just got internet access of course he's going to be looking at all sorts. When the Internet first became widely accessible, the first thing that most of the people I know did was look for the most shocking things they could find. Not because there is anything wrong with them (except being a touch immature and overexcitable) but because this whole new world had opened up to them that they had never had access to before. Websites like Rotten were incredibly popular before everyone took a step back, realised it was awful and it got taken down. These were grown men in their 40s - a 17 year old doing exactly the same is no surprise and not indicative of anything more sinister on its own (and I say that as someone who worked as a therapist with a huge range of sexual offenders over many years). Most of the lads in our school when I was about 14 used to talk about a film called animal farm - I never saw it and I suspect that neither did most of them - but it was a sort of shocking fascination which captured their attention for a while. I suspect if they'd had the Internet they would also have looked at clips of it.
Essentially you have just isolated and shamed your poor DS, set him apart from the family and need to calm down, apologise for your reaction, explain why you were shocked and explain to the rest of your kids that you have over reacted. Don't make this a huge family issue but do quietly explain to him that this material if he continues to watch it could have an impact on future relationships. With all due respect you sound quite niaive so perhaps this conversation might be better had with someone a little more wordly wise, perhaps a bloke, who he feels he can identify with.

I think people need to calm down a touch. We have become a nation of amateur forensic psychologists who are quick to predict dark and depraved behaviour will come from simple behaviours which on their own mean nothing. Not everyone who commits animal cruelty will become a serial killer, not everyone who watches violent porn becomes a rapist. Watching cracker or true life crime on Sky TV doesn't make you an expert on offending behaviour.
Those types of video are awful, and wrong but not everyone who watches them is depraved. Particularly if they are watching for morbid curiosity rather than to get sexually aroused.

thank you for the povs, am going to leave it this weekend, talk to to him on monday, get gp apt booked and take it from there, get help or leave for good.
to all the self righteous amongst you, i hope you never have to experience this, do you know what is being accessed in your home right now ? no? i thought not.
to those who have obviously considered my situation and have been practical and supportive i am very grateful, you have helped me see clearer the right thing to do by my son, thank you.

Topseyt, I was talking about porn. That's what the ops girls seemed to be upset about hence the prev name calling.

The OP should have sought help the first time she came across it, not left him to his own devices and then throw him out. He is still a child in the eyes of the law and obviously in need of love and support.

GP appt for you or DS? Doesn't sound like your DS is up for going and it also doesn't sound like you know why he viewed it or what he was doing whilst viewing it. GP won't be able to do anything till you actually know what's happening and you won't find out till you (or someone else) speaks to your son calmly.

Do you love him?
If you do then he needs you to help him even though he doesn't know it. What he is doing is vile but he can be helped. I think the first thing is to put parental controls on your internet, this only blocks the sort of stuff you are talking about and in no way restricts the rest of the family.
Secondly tell him you will go to the police if he ever looks at stuff like this again, threaten it and mean it.
Finally, instead of all ganging up on him and calling him 'perv' aka familial bullying, try to include him in some family activities and let him feel loved and secure. If,so far, all he has done is look at horrible stuff on the Internet there is time to get him through this. Does he have friends? What are they like?
You are his mum, help him.

OP, assuming he is still at school, secondary schools in the UK do now have to have Student Welfare Officers who deal with precisely this kind of thing and the effects of it.

If your son refuses to listen to you (and even if he doesn't), that could be a source of support and advice for you. In fact, he may be more receptive to an approach from them, so whatever happens in the meantime, give them a call on Monday morning.

For those who say the OP should have done something the first time - besides putting parental controls/restricting Internet (she did, he got round it), getting him external help (he refused) - what exactly do you think you can make a 17 year old teenager who is physically stronger than you do?

Please share your tips on so others can learn from what worked in your experience.

That is, if you're not just talking out of your ass.

I'm guessing 'all the self righteous 'as you call them would be handling it in the way they have described to you, some may have already experienced it themselves.

You posted in this section and only appear to be happy to be told that the way you've handled it is correct, to some (myself included) it is not.

Of course she loves him, he's her son. She probably doesn't like him very much at the moment and is disgusted at what he did and has her other dcs to think about.
OP just popped in to say I can see why you threw him out, you did it in anger and probably don't want to look at him right now. Get him to see a psych/therapist no matter what he says. This isn't your fault, he's a young man, almost an adult, who has taken a wrong turn and as others said at the top of the thread like any addiction this stuff is incremental. He needs to address it whether he wants to or not.
Get your ex on message with this, explain to him how serious it is and show him the stuff ds was watching, that should focus his mind.

"Not everyone who commits animal cruelty will become a serial killer"

Animal cruelty is wrong in its own right, whether or not the person committing it (or encourage it by watching videos of it) ends up "becoming a serial killer".

Some of the minimising on this thread is truly shocking. OP, this is a very serious situation and you have my total sympathies. Seek what help you can for your DS, but do also be prepared to involve the police if he shows any signs of escalating his behaviour.

Yes I would again suggest that you speak with the safeguarding officer at his college.
I doubt by the sound of it he would see a GP and in any case Internet /sex/porn addiction is a highly specialised counselling area,especially if it covers viewing illegal images.
You really do need to make him aware that this has legal implications which could be serious for him and the family and report any concerns to the police if he bypasses restrictions you put in place.

There is no indication of addiction and you cannot force someone to have therapy (even under a section) - but hey! Why let the facts get in the way of mass hysteria?!

I wouldn't want someone in my home who my kids didn't feel safe or comfortable around either especially not young girls with developing bodies after that kind of stuff has been viewed. I don't think you've failed as a parent but further action should've been taken first time

Of course it's wrong! That goes without saying but the suggestion that this will lead to deep dark depravity is ludicrous. That is the point I was responding to.
This is social media at its worst. A young man had been found to have looked at some unpleasant stuff online, the virtual community have him labelled as dark and depraved, an addict, in need of therapy or professional specialist help etc. What he actually needs is an adult to talk to him like an adult, not over react, not to be labelled as a pervert. But to guide him through appropriate and non appropriate viewing in a non judgemental way.
But it's much more interesting to bring out the pitchforks and have him labelled so that we can feel morally superior

You can force a 17 yr old who has no means of supporting himself to go for an evaluation if he's given no other option. He is watching illegal porn and if given the choice between facing the law on his own once he reaches 18 or going to therapy I'd bet the house he will go to therapy.
If the OP cant find it in herself to be calm about this (I wouldn't)she shouldn't be blamed, that horrific stuff on screen has actually happened to someone or some poor animal in RL, its hard to stay calm when your child has been watching it. Better to get a professional in who can remain detached.

It certainly does indicate addiction if he has hacked into the Internet to access these sites repeatedly after having his access restricted.

Oh dear...

This thread astounds me!

Watching the kind of porn your DS has been watching is horrific, unacceptable and completely wrong.
However i still think your being really unreasonable! Your so cavalier about kicking your son out! How many threads have been on hear about the lack of housing/provisions for young people? How many times do we see young people in a bad behaviour cycles kicked out who then get put in worse situations! I think you need to think of the realities of what will happen to your son and your relationship with him.
Yep your DC's may not think too much of him but it does read as there being a little bit of ganging up hear. Yes your son needs counselling because clearly there is a root cause, he didn't turn into a "perv" over night.