aibu to have kicked my son out tonight ?

[mrsfuzzy]

ours has been a close family but tonight it was all blown apart because of one of my 17 year old son's behaviour, he certainly isn't ds anymore as a result.
last november, he was found down loading seriously nasty hard core porn, i'm broad minded but this was really bad stuff, he sister discovered it by mistake on his lap top after she asked to borrow it, massive melt down in the household as a result, the 'invasion of his privacy' caused a massive row and his siblings wanted him booted out over night as they were so disgusted by his attitude to it all, his lap top, thankfully, developed a bad virus from something he had watched and crashed the entire system as a result, so it was thrown out. which brings us to this evening, it appears that he has been watching again on his games console which has internet connection, he admits when his laptop when down he logged on to the console, the images and videos are truly vile, violent and not restricted to hard porn, it involves animal torture, cruelty to animals and women, thankfully no children, i was so angry i threw him out, phoned his estranged father who can only have him until tuesday, (back story there] and then i don't know what happens, but to be honest i don't care, there has never been any reason to suspect anything was wrong. he is polite and helpful, loves the family pets, goes to college, has no problems that i'm aware of, but he has turned into someone i don't know anymore.
does anyone have any ideas ? i don't want him here anymore.

I suspect a lot of 17 year olds know far more about the dark net than me and I suspect they will be able to work round any barriers I might try to put up to their internet access if they set their mind to it. As for sites being supported by advertised content; surely the advertisements will be for the paid-for sites and free videos would be teasers?

TheAwfulDaughter - places where it would be of any use whatsoever to report to the police, though? I have to say my estimation of the power (and/or perhaps will) of the police to investigate in these areas is quite low, but maybe I'm mistaken in that.

I think your over reacting.
he's not doing anything wrong.
his choice of porn is weird il give you that and maybe needs a firm conversation but throwing him out its ridiculous!! where is he meant to sleep or are you not bothered about your son's welfare due to the fact he watches gang rape?
do you stop being a parent because he get off on extreme hard core sex ?
This needed communication there must be a reason he watches it you need to address the root of the problem not ignore it

He is staying with his dad tobytom.

I am wondering whether all of those saying "poor lad" and "he's done nothing wrong" are actually reading the same thread as the rest of us??

Perhaps they haven't actually read the thread at all??

Yeah, poor lad, it's only a bit of bestiality ffs, you're all naive if you think your husbands aren't watching it too.

17 going on 18 is well past the age of criminal responsibility. As for being completely unable to look after themselves; every year thousands of 17 and just turned 18 year olds start life in strange cities as students often in shared flats not university accommodation. The OP sent her son to his dad's, away from her other dc, after she had had 'firm words' with him months ago. I don't think this is disproportionate. I really don't get the attitude of many posters on here. These films aren't made in a vacuum; people and animals are being seriously hurt and injured for the op sons pleasure. How can that ever be ok?

mrsfuzzy you weren't unreasonable to be horrified by your son's behaviour and to do some tough parenting and send him to his dads house. That is one way to show him his behaviour will not be tolerated in your home. It would be unreasonable to leave him without a roof over his head after Tuesday. He is still your child and despite the law they dont become responsible adults at 18. I find repeating the mantra "your child needs you most when you like them least" helps.

Whether what your son has been watching is illegal or not your house, your rules. If your son sees nothing wrong with his behaviour then you take him to talk to social services about finding an alternative home. They can talk to him about the difficulty of finding a home that will tolerate it.

I do think it's possible than your son initially found this stuff either via "friends ", because boys do pass this sort of thing around, or curiosity. He may have obtained it by other means partly out of a desire to show that you cant control his behaviour and that he's smarter than you are, that is typical teenage behaviour. This could be an extreme form of boundary testing rather than an addiction.

What I would do is say that I accept I couldn't prevent him watching this type of thing but that it will not happen in my home or using technology I have provided. Therefore his only net access at home would have to be supervised and he would have to give up any smartphone in exchange for a basic brick - so he can phone and text on it but no net access and no pictures. The games console would be locked away until he leaves home or possibly sold. You might also want to ground him for a period of time. If he bought the phone himself from earnings then he would be allowed to have it when he left the house and it would be locked away when he was in the house.

Keep him busy - the Devil makes work for idle hands is apt. If he doesnt have a part time job encourage him to get one as it helps them grow up. Talk to him about the damage that watching this sort of thing does to those who are pictured in the images. Talk to him about his future and where he wants to go from here.

It is your sons choice if he decides he doesnt want to live his life by your rules. Make it clear that you care about him, that the door is open when he is ready to confrm but that if he wants to make his own way then you disapprove of his behaviour but will try to provide some support in the rest of his life. Talk to him also about why society has laws to protect the vunerable and avoid the exploitation in these images and why people who choose to watch them will be seen as perverts (turning away from what is right, proper, or good). If you think what he has watched is actualy illegal then I would certainly talk about involving the police. The images ought to be reported anyway, you can do so here www.iwf.org.uk/report

Remember that the internet tends to attract the immature and those who have difficultly forming relationships offline and that some of the comments here will be from such people. I would listen to - but then disregard - the opinion of those trying to say he has done nothing wrong.

Does your son study? Work? Who are his friends? What's he like otherwise?

I think it is serious and I'm not surprised you're horrified. I think you can deal with it by saying and enforcing that he's only allowed to live in your house if he doesn't access such hard core stuff. Explain that you wouldn't have blinked at more normal porn but this is one step too far. Your house, your rules. Change the wifi password and don't let him have it.

Id also fix him up with some sexual counselling and a rescue centre placement so that he can think about what he's doing and question internally

"Having a random stranger constable literally picking apart your computer and interrogating you at length about your specific sexual preferences."

If the OP were sure that the films were illegal, then it certainly wouldn't be some random constable coming round to browse through. Agencies like the NCA are involved in this type of work because of the link to organised crime amongst the people producing and distributing the files. It's not just the local bobby coming along to give someone a talking to.

CurlyhairedAssassin by "random constable" I didn't specifically mean a random person at the rank of constable, I meant officer which is what I should have said. If you've got some random stranger that you personally don't know, have never met, and don't have a close relationship with, you would be very unlikely to want to permit them access to have a look at stuff like your porn browsing habits etc.

bereal ODFOD . I'm disgusted at your arsehole post.

Morning folks. This is getting a bit much. We appreciate that the OP has asked for opinions and that this is a really difficult subject which was always going to invite strong responses, but could we ask everyone to remember when responding that you are talking to a parent who is asking for advice and support. We're going to delete a few posts on this thread that we feel are needlessly unpleasant and are just personal attacks.

The OP hasn't said anything to suggest that her DS is behaving aggressively or inappropriately to other family members, though. She describes him as he is polite and helpful, loves the family pets, goes to college, has no problems that i'm aware of.

There's no mention of family trauma, of him having been difficult, of problems with his schoolwork, or of him bullying other people. Apart from the OP's own uninformed overreaction, nothing suggests a dangerous predator with mental health problems - just a teenage boy being a bit callous and boundary-pushing over his internet use. For which he has had several months of scapegoating within the family and now been thrown out. (BTW, it's not the OP screaming and howling about paedophiles and child abuse, it's other posters who have no idea what the boy was looking at, and other posters who are insisting that neither the other children, the family pets nor the OP herself are going to be safe until this boy is locked up.)

solid RTFT

The op says that his has displayed questionable behaviour around the dd's. That this is making her view some of his previous behaviour in a new light.
She should not protect her dd's at the sake of her ds.

Do you think viewing illegal and disturbing porn and then standing up for and refusing to admit its wrong is okay??

This is very different than if he had looked at some s&m type stuff.

He had 1 instance which was dealt with and they moved on but he went back to his old worrying and illegal habit.

Please answer this - assuming the porn is the illegal type (which I think we can all agree beastiality is & we can all agree the son went purposely looking for this, e.g hacked into the router then defended his 'tastes').
what would you do if you were the op? How would you stop the illegal activity, keep you other kids safe and force the son to get help??

Most balanced, sensible post award here goes to alreadytaken but I would add that you should make sanctions finite, ie 6 weeks or he won't cope or will run off.

Of course children need you most when you like them least, that's a brilliant expression.

Been thinking about this thread and what I would actually do if in OP's shoes. I think the post given by alreadytaken is the advice I would take.

Ah- I'm not alone in that fan club then I see ..

I think this is a really difficult problem for you and alreadytaken has given balanced advice.
Possibly your son is denying he has done anything wrong out of embarrassment. He certainly needs educating on why this is wrong.
I don't think any counsellor would take on a 17 year-old who didn't want to participate in counselling-it would be pointless.
Is his Dad sensible enough to talk to him about why this is wrong.
I'm surprised that some people think watching aggressive porn is okay.
I would not reject him over this -he needs your support but I don't think it will have done any harm to show that you were horrified.

I'm sorry you have such a difficult situation to handle and I'm sorry some people are being so dismissive about it.