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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
Nolim · 19/03/2015 07:53

She wants to help, i dont see anything wrong with that. I dont know how you could explain that you dont want her around.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2015 07:55

You have every right for whoever you want at the birth, I woukd talk to dh. You do sound unreasonable regarding wanting your mum to be the first to see the baby, it's natural he woukd want his mum there too. If she is able to help and wants to, that's a good thing, even driving to get you shopping. Can't both mothers help out.

TwinkieTwinkle · 19/03/2015 07:56

Personally I can understand where you are coming from. However YABU to think it's fair to say your mum gets to see baby before partners mum.

saoirse31 · 19/03/2015 07:56

yabu re you want your dm to see baby before your mil... soud's v playgroundish. ...

PrincessOfChina · 19/03/2015 07:57

YABU. Your MIL is your DH's mother. If you're happy for your DM to be around you need to also allow your MIL to help out. It sounds like she could be useful.

ineedtogetthisout · 19/03/2015 07:57

I wouldn't call anyone when you are in labour. You could be hours or days and it will stress you out knowing someone is outside waiting and your husband may feel the need to keep popping out with updates for her which would piss me right off.

Tell people once the baby is here and play it by ear after that, you might feel the same way or you might not care at all and just want to show him/her off.

BarbarianMum · 19/03/2015 07:58

Wanting your own mum to be the one to help you after the birth is perfectly normal. Not wanting visitors in the hospital, ditto. But would it really matter if she saw the baby before you mum? Need you make it quite so obvious that she is granny number 2?

FenellaFellorick · 19/03/2015 07:59

well, both grandmothers are equally important to the baby so it's hard to argue that your mother has more right to the child you and your husband share equally. The mother of the father of a child is as important to that child as the mother of the mother. That's probably how he's looking at it. Why is his mum less important to the baby you share than your mum.

However, what he's failing to consider is that it isn't about who is more important to the baby because obviously they have equal status. It's about YOU. Post baby, knackered, bleeding, hormonal, vulnerable you. When it comes to you, your mother is obviously going to be the one you want to support you. So perhaps say to your husband if he had, I dunno, had a major operation and was feeling vulnerable, would he want his mum to hold him or yours?

Explain to him that you aren't trying to push his mum out when it comes to the baby, but you need your mum there for you.

SirChenjin · 19/03/2015 07:59

They are both mothers and unless one of them is absolutely awful it really really isn't helpful to establish a Granny pecking order. Presumably your Mum isn't insisting on being first to see the baby?

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 19/03/2015 07:59

You're the one who'll be recovering, so your feelings come first in my opinion.

Voice it in that way, in that you don't feel you'll be ready to have anyone you're not totally comfortable with so soon after birth. I felt the same as you so I had my mum at the birth. MIL and FIL turned up with OH's grandparents at visiting the next day (wasn't ready then, but hey).

Ask your husband if he'd want your mum hovering about after he'd had a vasectomy.

LittleBearPad · 19/03/2015 08:00

I agree with ineed. Tell people when DC has arrived.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/03/2015 08:00

I don't like seeing threads like this where mothers are welcome but mother in laws aren't. It's 100% understandable to want your mom at the birth and have her support you but to imply MIL is somehow less worthy or less deserving of meeting her grandchild is so wrong.

I told my DH I didn't want MIL at the hospital (which is what he wanted) but my in-laws were the first to visit us in the hospital and it was lovely.

It's their grandchild JUST AS MUCH as it is your mother's grandchild.

My DH would have been really upset and probably quite hurt if I'd had your attitude towards his mother as you do towards your husband's mother.

Chocolatefudgebrownieicecream · 19/03/2015 08:00

You sound ridiculous and childish saying DM must see dc before DMIL. What in earth does it matter?

Greenrememberedhills · 19/03/2015 08:00

Why would he need support? He's there to support you.

It is absolutely critical that you feel comfortable and not harassed at the birth of your own child. And what you want trumps what your DH wants.

That said, I think it's asking for trouble to set up a competition between you DM and MIL.

Why not just agree to do this by yourselves and invite them both at a later stage?

SirChenjin · 19/03/2015 08:01

Hit return there too soon - easy solution is don't tell either of them you're in labour. Plenty of couples manage to cope just fine during labour without their Mums there.

InanimateCarbonRod · 19/03/2015 08:01

I hope I never have a daughter in law like you. Hmm

Rosa · 19/03/2015 08:01

Erm it sounds perfectly normal the baby is also DH 's and yes you will be doing the hard work but its an emotional time for both of you. She obviously wants to see her granchild and it sounds by what you have written that she wants to help rather than interfere. I would possibly think in advance about a few things she could pick up from the shop for you and if there are any other tasks she could carry out. You could say that in the first week you don't really want visitors etc and maybe once you are feeling up to it she could come and visit for longer?
Imagine if it was your Mum being excluded and how she would feel.

bloodyteenagers · 19/03/2015 08:01

Both grandparents should be treated equally.

buildmeabuttercup · 19/03/2015 08:01

Yabu and sound a bit petulant. It will be your DHs child as well.

notsolovely · 19/03/2015 08:02

Yabu, sorry, when the baby is born it could take your mum ages to get there. This baby is just as much your dhs as yours. Its as much mils grandchild as it is your DMs. I don't get this race to see the baby first. Your mum can't be as flexible helping out as your dm so it makes sense for her to be on hand.

Shedding · 19/03/2015 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrinzCharming · 19/03/2015 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlCapone · 19/03/2015 08:02

YABU your MIL is just as important as your mother.

justabigdisco · 19/03/2015 08:02

Why is it that your mum will be on hand to help but your MIL is around if DH "needs support"? I read threads like this on mumsnet every day and it does annoy me. My mum lives 2 hours away and my MIL 20 minutes. My in-laws saw my baby before my parents. I got over it. They are as much baby's grandparents as your parents are, like it or not.

loveulotslikejellytots · 19/03/2015 08:03

Could you ask your mum if MIL could camp out at hers, then once they get the call from your DH to say the baby has been born your MIL could drive your mum to the hospital (save her getting buses) and meet the baby together?

Then once you're home you can divide any jobs between the two of them. Or one takes the 'early shift' one takes the 'late shift'.

Your MIL is just excited, unless there is a massive drop feed about her being awful/abusive etc to you in the past, don't shut her out.