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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 19/03/2015 09:40

I'd be willing to bet that as soon as the baby is out, you'll be on such a massive high and flooded with so many love hormones that you won't care at all who sees him first and will just be delighted to show him off.

Hopefully :)

But it doesn't work out that way for all of us.

Having people outside waiting can be an extra stress at a time when you really don't need it.

ApocalypseThen · 19/03/2015 09:41

I am not saying it's a necessity to have her there but I really don't like the way the man in this scenario is always belittled and sneered at for suggesting that it might be nice to have someone on hand to share his part of the experience with

Well I think if you're going to be present when someone else is giving birth, it's not an experience for you, you have a job. If you can't do it, stand aside and let the labouring woman find assistance who can.

LarrytheCucumber · 19/03/2015 09:42

Nobody is worrying about the Grandfathers In my case it is because DH hates hospitals and he didn't really want to be at the births of his own children (he was) and he certainly didn't want to see DiL in hospital. My own FiL only came to see his third DGC in hospital because by then MiL couldn't drive any more. He kept well away from his other DGC for as long as he could!

magimedi · 19/03/2015 09:42

lillamay

How lovely to see someone taking on board all the replies & admitting that they might be a bit U!!

Good Luck with the birth & may you all be very happy.

BarbarianMum · 19/03/2015 09:46

The devil's in the detail really. I'm a mother of sons and it wouldn't upset me in the least if any future dil wanted her own mum (or no-one) to come and stay after the birth, that's totally understandable.. Equally, if her own mum lived closer and was first to meet the baby then fine, of course. But if I was closer the idea that I wasn't able to pop over to the house for half an hour and say hello until her family had been - that would sting a bit.

As for support after the birth, my dh could have done with a therapist. I at least had a shitload of drugs eventually and believed it when I was told it was going fine. He, of course, could see this wasn't the case and he'd still rate the couple of hour before ds1 was born as the worst in his life. Was adament for quite a few months afterwards that he wanted no more children, wheras I was on a hormonal high and wanted 4.

BackCrackAndNappySack · 19/03/2015 09:46

I did outside of the delivery suite Apocalypse and I think if you ask most men who've done it, it very much IS an experience for them, and sometimes a very scary one.

Obviously not nearly as much as for the woman, but it's unfair to assume they all come through it totally unscathed or unaffected, especially if it's a difficult birth.

PlummyBrummy · 19/03/2015 09:47

YADNBU - what FenellaFellorick and a few others have said, I totally agree with. It's not a case of bashing MILs: if you've had a major and traumatic experience (what birth can often be even if you get the delight of a baby at the end) you might just want your mum there to share with you and alleviate some of the aftershock. And MIL - not anyone else- shouldn't be hanging around for the hours you might be in labour for reasons of added and unnecessary pressure. Tell everyone when the little one is here and anyone who has a problem with that can go and do their professional offended act elsewhere til you're ready to see them.

BackCrackAndNappySack · 19/03/2015 09:47

and yes magi I agree. Well done lillamay and good luck with everything.

PlummyBrummy · 19/03/2015 09:48

Nor, not 'not' anyone else - ruddy autocorrect

ApocalypseThen · 19/03/2015 09:49

If he wants an experience with his mammy, they can go on a ghost train or climb a mountain. If he wants to be present at a birth he can get his priorities in order and remember who's life is at risk and who's experiencing real trauma.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 09:51

at 'ghost train'.

Stinkersmum · 19/03/2015 09:52

Good grief, I cannot believe how mean some of you are about the husband wanting a bit of support. No, they're not going through the labour/birth physically, but especially as it's a pfb, is it not reasonable that he may be finding the whole thing overwhelming? It's his first child too, just as new/exciting/frightening/scary for him to become a dad and see his dp go through labour? Surely a bit of moral and emotional support if needed would enable him to be the best support he could be for his wife? Maybe I'm a bit too relaxed, or maybe I'm weird for actually loving MIL a lot, or maybe I'm just soft but when our baby is arriving, if DH wants his DM there at hospital, or back at our house, or wherever he basically wishes (aside from delivery room, obvs), he can have her. I do understand about maybe not wanting MIL around at home after if stiches/bf'ing/feeling generally awful afterwards is not a state you want her to see you in, but again, lucky for me it wouldn't phase me. I'd want my own DM for just me, but for my DH and DC, MIL is also most welcome.

TurtleRabbitChicken · 19/03/2015 09:53

No YANBU. Pregnancy and birth are the same as any other situation innvolving your body. They are private and legally you don't even have to tell your husband and neither could a doctor without your permission. You mother is there for you.

His DM can be there when you are ready.

redskirt · 19/03/2015 09:53

YANBU. It's important to have people you feel comfortable with around you in the hours and days after birth. Of course it's understandable that you might want your mother around and not your mother in law. The baby will be around for the rest of your mother in law's life, I really don't think a few days just having your mum around is unreasonable. .

nokidshere · 19/03/2015 09:54

I think it's very sad that fathers feelings are so totally dismissed by many at the birth of his children. It's a highly emotional time for both parents and there is no reason on earth that a man shouldn't have someone to share that with when he leaves the hospital alone after the birth.

I for one am very pleased that my husband loves and needs his mum at special times in his life and I hope my sons grow up as caring and considerate as their dad!

Women are their own worst enemies

TurtleRabbitChicken · 19/03/2015 09:56

No parent has a right to be at a grandchild's birth (or immediately after) if you want to be invited be the kind of parent or PIL who gets invited.

ApocalypseThen · 19/03/2015 09:56

It's his first child too, just as new/exciting/frightening/scary for him to become a dad and see his dp go through labour?

It's difficult to see how, to be honest. If my husband was having surgery, I can accept that it would actually be worse for him than for me, and that my feelings would be (appropriately) less relevant. But that's because I can accept that things happen to other people without my having to be the central figure.

TurtleRabbitChicken · 19/03/2015 09:57

Women are their own worst enemies

I love that saying. Because it's utter bullshit. And only ever said by people who really don't have a clue.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 09:58

I think DH went home had a sleep then went to work.

TurtleRabbitChicken · 19/03/2015 09:58

Yes, Apocalypse, I'd be scared to death if DH were going in to surgery. I would have a job though and that's to worry about him...not expect support DO people rally have such a low opinion of men that they can't hold it together for them?

Delatron · 19/03/2015 09:59

YANBU. I can't believe so many people would want their MIL's coming to stay for days just after they had given birth. Really, you would all be fine with that?
You are hormonal, tired, breasfeeding constantly, as well as enjoying being a family. I can't really see what extra support is needed in the first few days that the husband can't provide? It's hard but a lovely bonding time for the 3 of you. I didn't even want my own mum there let alone my MIL.

We are all different but is very harsh to say the OP must accommodate her MIL for days after she has given birth just because 'she wants to help' or her poor Dh 'needs support'. She is the one who has given birth she gets to decide who is around. And I am a mother of sons!

Stinkersmum · 19/03/2015 09:59

ApocalypseThen just because he would like his mother there for him for one of the most important events of his life, you turn that into him trying to be the centre of attention? Honestly? How sad and cynical of you.

TurtleRabbitChicken · 19/03/2015 10:01

I suspect man of them haven't actually had children and don't know what the fuck they are on about delatron.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 10:04

I wonder how many Mums have, prior to giving birth to their PFB thought YY everyone come to visit straight away, the more the merrier, get MIL to stay for the week, open house etc then realised straight after the birth that's not what they want at all.

Delatron · 19/03/2015 10:05

I'm horrified, if anyone had tried to force my MIL on me for days after I had given birth I'd have had a nervous breakdown. Agree about MN 'policing' feelings these days. OP is allowed to want time with just the 3 of them or to say she just wants her mum!

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