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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
lillamyy1 · 21/03/2015 12:15

Well, DH isn't willing to budge on calling his mum as soon as I go into labour. He's said he won't be constantly giving her updates but I imagine once his mum knows his sister will also know and if they do contact him for updates he'll have to respond so they don't worry!
MIL won't be staying at ours but at GILs a few miles away. In my email if told her a few brief visits at home in the first few days would be more than welcome but she says if it's too much I just have to let her know. So she's being so nice about it and I feel really bad that DH's decisions about getting her involved made me think badly of her when she's clearly happy to respect my wishes.

I do have to say that DH isn't usually controlling or so unreasonable... I'm not entirely sure why he's been so unreasonable about this. I've tried to explain how I feel but he's unwilling to take any of it on board. I think he's just feeling out of his depth and scared about becoming a parent and wants to do what he can to gain some control over his own life instead of just being sweapt along iykwim.
I've spoken to my DM and she's not bothered about seeing the baby first (I was convinced she would be because she's been looking after me a lot during the pregnancy and I'm her youngest so it's very important to her and she's also expressed a wish to be around DS a lot and help out as much as she can etc).
I was nervous because DM and MIL have never met and they're so different I'm pretty sure they'll have a personality clash at some point but they'll just have to keep that to themselves!
Also DM is going to be back up in case DH doesn't manage supporting me very well during labour and needs to take a break. We've put some taxi fare aside for her.

OP posts:
maninawomansworld · 21/03/2015 12:18

YABVU.
Your baby is just as much your MIL's grandchild as it is your own DM's.

YABVU!

sleeponeday · 21/03/2015 12:33

As has been said, you were being incredibly unreasonable in wanting your mum to be the first to see the baby - they are both grandparents - but you gracefully acknowledged that, and after all we all have emotions that are less than reasonable sometimes, and what matters is how we deal with them.

You aren't being unreasonable at all in wanting your own mum there when you give birth, and not to feel a bit haunted by someone who, with the best will in the world, isn't that close to you, as you actually labour. Your DH is not the one in labour so his need for "support" is secondary to yours to cocoon during the process. I understand that, as I hated any noise, bustle or external influence at all really as I gave birth. Sounds like your MIL understood, too!

I'm so glad things have worked out well, and hope the birth and time after are lovely for you all. But... as someone who would love a MIL as reasonable as yours sounds, and a GM who actually gave a stuff about the childen (or, indeed, her own son, in any genuine manner) please remember her, in the weeks and months ahead? The instinct to turn to your own mum, and to protect the baby, will possibly be really intense, and you need to rein it in for everyone's sake. Your baby needs both grandmothers, as s/he needs both parents, all other things being equal. No baby can have too many sane and nice people to love them.

Congrats on your pregnancy, and I hope you have a lovely birth and post-natal period. Flowers

Theas18 · 21/03/2015 12:35

You DM and MIL have never met? Were they not both T the wedding or are you not married. It sounds a bit odd that you've been together long enough to have a baby yet not introduced your mums at some family event or other.

petalunicorn · 21/03/2015 12:37

Your Mil sounds lovely, as does your dm, your dh though.........

If anyone had rung people to say I had gone into labour against my wishes they certainly wouldn't have been with me when I delivered the baby, how dare he put you under stress at a time when you need to feel safe and as relaxed as possible. He sounds horrid.

BathtimeFunkster · 21/03/2015 12:46

Given that you are married to a complete prick, it might be worth asking your MIL not to respond to any texts about your labour, and not to tell anyone until she hears from you once you are out the other side.

You should definitely have your mother at the hospital on more than "stand by" because a man who is throwing his weight around about your labour is not birth partner material.

I'm sorry he's failing you so completely the first time you really need him.

MrsPeabody · 21/03/2015 13:12

Oh dear, your dh is being really unreasonable. It's not about them being worried, it's about supporting and focusing on you. Have you asked him if he feels up to being at the birth?

Ubik1 · 21/03/2015 13:23

The partner will have to tell his mother that she isn't allowed to see the new baby until the maternal grandmother has seen it first.

That a joyful phone call that will be...

lillamyy1 · 21/03/2015 13:32

I know I was BU about who sees DS first!! Shame it's not possible to edit the title...

OP posts:
MrsPeabody · 21/03/2015 13:34

Ubik1 - please read the thread.

Husbands and partners are only human too. Hopefully this is him having a panic early on and he will be a rock by the time it's your birth. Good idea to have your mum on stand by as a spare birth partner though.

Really good advice below. Can you ask your mil to speak to your dh for you? Maybe he is worried that there is an expectation there and she can put his mind at rest (and tell him to pull himself together!).

lillamyy1 · 21/03/2015 13:34

Mrs Peabody, I have asked him if he feels up to it but then he gets defensive and accuses me of implying he's useless!

OP posts:
lillamyy1 · 21/03/2015 13:36

Crossed posts! Yes, I could speak to MIL... Don't want DH to think I'm going behind his back though...
I think I'll have to hope he's in a better mood soon so we can have a proper chat.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2015 13:40

At this rate I wouldn't be telling your DH about the labour, just your DM and MIL Hmm

MrsPeabody · 21/03/2015 13:41

Hmm, maybe not the best advice.

He sounds stubborn as hell! I think your only option is to wait for labour and then hide stand on his phone. Wink

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2015 13:45

Why not, mrspeabody? I wouldn't like an obstructive test who is dead set on ignoring my wishes at my labour.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2015 13:45

Test - twat

MrsPeabody · 21/03/2015 13:50

Sorry drink, I was saying my advice to get mil to speak to him might not be the best. Your advice seems very logical given the situation.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2015 13:53

SorrySmile just rushing about and putting my tuppence in

MrsPeabody · 21/03/2015 13:59
Grin
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 21/03/2015 15:53

@lillamyy1

I know I was BU about who sees DS first!! Shame it's not possible to edit the title...

IT is on occasion - what would the new title say though?

ApocalypseThen · 21/03/2015 16:46

Why not, mrspeabody? I wouldn't like an obstructive test who is dead set on ignoring my wishes at my labour.

I wouldn't like it either. It would stress me out. Maybe he's not clear about whether you are forced to have him there. Maybe the solution is to have your mother in with you for the labour, and his mother can keep him in the cafe.

LemonYellowSun · 21/03/2015 16:50

Get her to pick up your mum Wink

sanfairyanne · 21/03/2015 17:20

again, he sounds clueless. just have lots of false labour braxton hicks and he will get sick of telling mil 'this is it' Grin

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2015 20:52

Also for the first part of your labour you may well be advised to stay at home. Is he going to ask his mum to sit in the kitchen?Hmm From what my friends told me it's often a quiet time, you are trying not to panic focusing and going into yourself (sorry not other way to describe it). Your MIL sounds understanding but I would my want anyone having a cuppa whilst I rock on the birthing ballGrin

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2015 20:56

Grin @ sanfairy too true. I'd start the BH now tbh but then I'm like that...

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