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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 19/03/2015 08:15

I can understand it's a gut reaction and lots of women would feel a little like this but YABU. We live far away from family. my inlaws came down the first week so we're the first to see the baby - it was their first GC too but no 5 for my mum.

Maybe you'll have a boy and only boys (like me) and you'll PE irrelevant and pushed aside one day.

HootyMcTooty · 19/03/2015 08:16

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to see DM and not MiL straight after the birth, it can be a traumatic time and I know I didn't want to be fussed over by anyone other than my DH and my DM. However, YABVU to want your DM to see baby first, they're both going to be baby's GM.

bloodyteenagers · 19/03/2015 08:17

And. What's this about if he needs support while you are in labour?
Surely he will be in the room with you, supporting you.

diddl · 19/03/2015 08:17

What support does your husband think that he will need?

Is it that he wants his mum to look after him if you have a couple of days in hospital or that he wants to make sure that she is first in the scene (as you want to do with your mum?)

What will your husband be doing when you are first home with the baby?

If he's at home then surely you won't need either mother there helping?

And even if he's not there you might not!

Why can't they both visit in hospital then leave you alone for a couple of days to find your feet.

Does MIL need to drive you home?

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 19/03/2015 08:17

It is natural for a woman to want her own mother at this time. But my goodness yabu about your MIL. Unless you think she's going to be a huge pain in the arse, she has as much right to see the grandchild and support her own as you do with your mum.

I don't know what sex baby you're having, but if it's a boy, just try and put yourself in your MIL situation a few years from now. It's not a nice thought really, being sidelined as a 'lesser' parent, grandparent.

Mrsjayy · 19/03/2015 08:18

Yabu but I see where you are coming from you just want your mum around I felt the same however your mil is excited wants to be there she does sound over enthusiastic though if you don't want her you are going to have to tell her gently to wait until baby is here.

pinkr · 19/03/2015 08:18

Who cares who sees the baby first?! As far as I'm aware it won't be remembered by the baby and it doesn't automatically mean that grandparent is the most important. As far as i can remember my baby was seem by tons of people...theatre staff, midwives, doctors. Before any family. I think I didn't hold her until an hour after birth due to section. I didn't change her first nappy or dress her the first time. Do I care? No. Because I do all that every day now. Grow up.

EdYouKateShaun · 19/03/2015 08:18

What if your baby is a boy? Are you prepared to be the second class granny to his children one day?
She sounds like she just wants to BE there in an unobtrusive way.
YABVU

Allstoppedup · 19/03/2015 08:19

I too think this is really sad. Your MIL isn't being pushy or "lurking" she's offered to help both you and her son and is probably very excited at the thought of her first grandchild!

I totally understand wanting privacy during and immediately following labour but insisting that your mum be the first to see your baby just sets the idea that she is the more important grandmother, straight from the off. I think this is unnecessarily hurtful.

By all means tell your DP you would prefer to wait until the baby is here rather than when you go into labour, your privacy and comfort are important and again its totally up to you how up for visitors you feel, but really allowing your mother and not your DPs is just mean.

I have a son and genuinely worry about this situation when he's older. I'd hope that any future partners of his would be more empathic and understanding.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 08:19

I am a mother of boys. I am not upset by this. I would just ask them to let me know when I can come and see the baby.
If DIL wanted her Mum there that's fine. I wouldn't feel the need to 'support' my DS either unless they asked for it. Confused

Dumpylump · 19/03/2015 08:19

I feel the same as GrannyWeatherwax2015 and Baddz Sad I too find posts like this quite upsetting, and hope I'm never shut out of my sons life like this.

Floisme · 19/03/2015 08:21

Perfectly understandable to want your own mum to help you out. Very childish to set up a pecking order of grandmothers in this way. As for your reference to your mother-in-law 'lurking about at the hospital'...Jeez

HermioneWeasley · 19/03/2015 08:21

I think YABU about certain aspects and not others

  • don't call MIL when you go into labour - you could be days! Your DH is there to support you, he doesn't need his mum there. How woukd she support him while he's in the delivery room with you anyway?
  • YABU to want your mum to see the baby first - I can't see any justifiable reason for that
  • YANBU to want your mum's help in the first few days after you come home. You may well be flopping on th sofa, bleeding, leaking, crying with boobs out trying to establish breast feeding. It doesn't take a huge leap of imagination to understanding to see that a woman might be happy to have her mother around in these circs but not her MIL, not matter how lovely your MIL is. Is she going to hide in another room? Or are you going to be confined to your bedroom for privacy?
BiddyPop · 19/03/2015 08:21

Do both Mothers get on at all?

As in, could you ask that DMIL collect DM on the way to the hosp so that both are there together, both get to support DH and see the baby when it suits, and both get to help with any shopping etc?

Then 1 gets to make tea while the other sets up a nappy change and both get a chance for a quick snuggle, before leaving you 3 in peace. They may even head off for a nice coffee and cakes afterwards themselves, to talk about their new roles as DGranny's, and your DM can pass on her wisdom from existing DGCs, before DMIL dropping DM home.

Or is this a cloud cuckoo land vision?

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 08:21

Are we to assume MIL will be staying at OP's house for the duration too?

figginz · 19/03/2015 08:25

Tallgiraffes I was just coming on to say the same thing. Why not invite them to meet your baby together? In my very limited experience my DM and MIL have enjoyed cooing over the baby together. And if your MIL wants to help and can drive - hurrah - line up the housework and cup of tea making and shopping. You will both need the support!

That said, I do understand that for you physically and emotionally post birth, your own mum is best. Am sure your MIL would understand and respect that too. But there are still practical things she can do.

Oh, and I put my own mother off when she said she was going to drive down when I was in labour. Not because I don't love or value her, but because I thought "oh god she doesn't have keys to the house and the hospital is strict on non birthing partners cluttering up the place and I can't get my head round the logistics and and"... Very glad I did too as DD took her time Smile .

FeijoaSundae · 19/03/2015 08:27

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume there's one hell of a back-story here.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 08:27

I always think unless you want them at the birth tell nobody you are in labour. So much easier.

AlbertSpanglersConscience · 19/03/2015 08:29

If she is the type of person who will ask for a gander at your stitches YANBU

If she's a fairly average human being YABU.

I'd think twice about sidelining a grandparent without a cast iron reason. Bringing up kids with no support is fucking hard work and not just when they're babies.

notsolovely · 19/03/2015 08:29

I think its wrong to say dh doesn't need support. If he feels he might needs support. That's up to him. He isn't asking for her to be in room. But just to be closer than a two hour drive. As the OPs mum can't get their quickly, it seems sensible

Fromparistoberlin73 · 19/03/2015 08:30

yabu, not even read post but title is BU

and its a first time baby, and its PFB and stressful- but seriously relax X

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 08:31

Why would DH feel he needed support? In what way? DH went home to bed after I gave birth.

hackmum · 19/03/2015 08:34

YANBU.

I seem to be alone in this, but I guess, OP, you have a close relationship with your mum and for you it will be a very special thing to have your mum be with you shortly after birth and to see the baby.

LetticeKnollys · 19/03/2015 08:36

I have a boy too, but I do wonder if OP phrased it badly with the whole 'I want my mum to meet the baby first', when really the most important thing is that she only feels comfortable with her own mum around for the recovery.

After I gave birth, I had just gone through a quite traumatic birth, was bleeding, fanjo had been torn apart and stitched back together so in a lot of pain from that, DS wouldn't latch on so I was pumping exclusively (my boobs were hanging out attached to a hand pump most of the day), I was feeding him with a cup so milk was going everywhere. I was a right mess. I would have found it a lot worse if I had to worry about what I looked like, I only really felt comfortable with my OH, mum and midwives/HV's around.

It's a period where women are most vulnerable to developing PDN and in my opinion family should respect the woman's wishes and not be making her even less comfortable.

Jessica2point0 · 19/03/2015 08:37

I'm going to go totally against the grain here - YANBU. I'm only at the ttc stage and already terrified of childbirth. As it is YOU having a major physical trauma, then YOU get to decide when YOU see people. In this situation, your needs come first. I personally am not sure I'd even want my own mum to see me really soon after birth, and if you don't want to see your MIL then you don't have too. The hospital staff will put your needs first while you're there, and your DH should too.

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