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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
TheSmallerBadger · 19/03/2015 08:03

Very bizarre to want to set an order in which people can see the baby. Don't, it's horrible.

londonrach · 19/03/2015 08:03

Yabu re who sees baby first as both grandmothers are equally important. Do understand wanting your mum rather than mil with you re birth. Your birth your choice. However sounds like your mil is trying to help. Difficult line to walk. Remember your mil is your dh dm! Think you need to have a discussion with dh. Be fair to both grandmothers with same treatment x

Icimoi · 19/03/2015 08:04

I would suggest that neither gets told when you are in labour. If your DH is old enough to be a father, he doesn't need support during your labour. If anything, his function is to support you. But I'd suggest you give your mum the money for the taxi fare so she can see her new grandchild quickly.

RunnerHasbeen · 19/03/2015 08:04

Perhaps you could ask your MIL to pick your mum up on the way to the hospital (having called after baby arrives). Then they can see the baby at the same time and your MIL could actually help out. Where is she staying to be on hand to help out? With you?

londonrach · 19/03/2015 08:04

Love love idea of getting in the same place together

Tinofroses · 19/03/2015 08:05

Seriously be grateful for help. She will be so excited. Think forward 30 years and your child is a boy and about to have their first child and your ds calls you up to say don't come , we don't need you , wife's mother is helping us out. Leave it for a week or so. Also if you have another child you might be really glad of mil to help out when you go to hospital etc. be kind to her

Aridane · 19/03/2015 08:06

YABU

GrannyWeatherwax2015 · 19/03/2015 08:06

As the mother of four sons this has really upset me.

tumbletumble · 19/03/2015 08:07

I can understand why you would like to have your own mum supporting you after the birth, but YABVU to say you want your mum to see the baby first. Imagine if this was your first grandchild!

Baddz · 19/03/2015 08:09

As the mother of sons posts like this scare me :(
Yabvu.

BobbyButtons · 19/03/2015 08:10

OP YABU and I hope you give birth to a son, so you'll be the MIL in the future

mrsnoon · 19/03/2015 08:10

I have 2 sons and am dreading this sort of thing as they get older. Ditto a thread the other day about a Bridezi?la who didn't want her MIL involved in the wedding as she had her own DM to help. I hope my future DILs aren't like you this. Can't really understand why I would be second best because my child was a boy.

grannytomine · 19/03/2015 08:10

How does your mother feel? When I was expecting our first baby it was my MILs first GD and my mothers 4th. My mother was very clear that she wouldn't want to be given any special treatment as she knew how excited MIL was.

PtolemysNeedle · 19/03/2015 08:11

Only on MN is your wife giving birth to your child so minor a life event that it shouldn't require any support from anyone while simultaneously being so important that the the whole world has to revolve around the whims of the one giving birth. It can't be both.

Either it's a minor event that should barely require any support from anyone, or it's a big deal for both parents who might understandably want their own parents around and it's a big deal for grandparents who would like to be around.

I think it's fine not to have mil at the hospital, but to exclude completely her for the first couple of days is just mean and unnecessary.

Both grandparents are equally important to your child, who is the most important person here.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/03/2015 08:11

Either both grannies can come to the hospital to meet the baby or neither. However if it's a question of having a granny around to help out of course it should be your mum, if she has offered.
Forget this idea that your mum should see the baby before mil though, that's just nasty.

buildmeabuttercup · 19/03/2015 08:11

grannyweatherwax Aww if its any consolation I adore my DPs mum, and she has always been treated as an equal to my mum. I'm sure you will have fab DIL (like me Grin)

BsshBosh · 19/03/2015 08:12

YABU. The baby's your DH's too; his mother has every right to see her grandchild and want to help out (and your DH has every right to want her to help too).

ladymariner · 19/03/2015 08:12

Are you serious Op? Do you have any idea how ridiculous, childish, and spiteful you are coming across? She has already said she isn't coming to the hospital, she is there to help, and believe me, you will be grateful of all the help you can get! It's not as if she is going to be hammering on the delivery room door.

She is your husbands mother, she has every right to be around and he has every right to want her there. Why the hell shouldn't he need a bit of support, I just don't get the notion that it's all about you without exception at all. Grow up.

Wonder if you will still feel the same if you have a boy.......try imagining the scenario a few years from now.......

cinders456 · 19/03/2015 08:13

Could your mil pick your mum up and they could both help. I imagine it would be pretty special for them to meet their new grandchild together and very helpful to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Maybe just call them once baby is born

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 08:13

I would just tell MIL when the baby has arrived. No need for her to dash down as soon as you are in labour. Confused

StetsonsAreCool · 19/03/2015 08:13

You are absolutely NBU to want your mum's support while you're recovering. But your DH is NBU to want his mum's support while you're recovering.

I've said this before, but while we get a lot of preparation and support before and after the labour, our men don't. They have to support us through a very scary and traumatic event, and there's nothing then to help them process it. They then have to carry straight on making sure we have everything we need to look after a tiny baby.

You might be glad of him having some emotional and practical support so that he can in turn support you (and your DM) in the days following the birth.

However, YAB completely U to make his mum wait. As a compromise, can't they both come to the first visiting hours together?

ApocalypseThen · 19/03/2015 08:13

I can understand where you're coming from to some extent, OP. My mother will be excited to meet this baby due in a few weeks, but I know that when she comes, her first concern will be me. It's a scary time and it's natural to want to turn to your own mother when you're trying to adjust to a massive life change.

My mother in law is lovely but her main priority will be seeing the baby, perfectly fine and natural. And even if she wanted to care for me, I'd find it difficult and embarrassing.

But you've got to seperate your wish to see your own mother for your own reasons from who gets to see the baby first, I think. That's going to make no difference at all.

Pancakeflipper · 19/03/2015 08:14

Another mother of sons who fears exclusion in the years ahead.

YouAreMyRain · 19/03/2015 08:14

What everyone else said. YABVU. all newborns look the same anyway

TallGiraffes · 19/03/2015 08:14

Firstly, another sad mother of boys here.

Secondly, why can't your MIL collect your mum and bring her to the hospital so they can both meet baby together.