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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
AlbertSpanglersConscience · 19/03/2015 08:37

Mine too Sparkling but a few years later he admitted that he'd really struggled with being alone that night. He desperately wanted to be with me and the baby and hated leaving the hospital. He said he lay awake for hours upset and elated and not knowing what to do with himself.

So maybe a man might need some kind of support at some point.

ndeplume · 19/03/2015 08:37

I've name changed for this as it's about family.

My DS & DDIL are expecting their first (& my first grandchild) in a few months time.

They live in another European country. I have said to DIL's mother that she should go over first as am sure that DIL will be really looking forward to seeing her own mother - that's natural.

DIL's mother is not going rushing over the moment baby is born, but will wait a week or so to give the new family some time together to get used to everything.

I probably won't see precious first grandchild until he is about 6 weeks old.

I am really not that bothered by who sees her/him first - there will (hopefully) be years of seeing him/her.

YABU to want your mum to see the baby first, but not for you to have her near you at the time.

FeijoaSundae · 19/03/2015 08:38

hackmum, you should give her some advice then, on how to explain it to her DH and MIL.

NerrSnerr · 19/03/2015 08:38

I'm not sure what he's expecting his mum to do while you're in labour, surely he'll be in the room with you?

I think it's unfair though that you don't want mil to see the baby before your mum.

AnnieThePianist · 19/03/2015 08:38

My MIL wanted to go with dh when he came to get me and ds1 when we were let out.

I felt really mean, but I said no. It was our first baby, and I wanted just us to take him home for that first time.

You don't have to feel obliged to meet every one of a relatives requests (ie she wants to pick you up from the hospital) if you don't want. But YABU to create a pecking order with your mum above MIL. They are both equal to the baby and your dh should have a say too.

Mmmicecream · 19/03/2015 08:39

Another mum of a son checking in to say this would make me so sad.

FWIW I too wanted my Mum around, not my MIL, but recognized IWBU so sucked it up, didn't tell anyone, and welcomed my MIL with open arms. At the end of the day the good relationship my DCs have with her makes it worth it.

workhouse · 19/03/2015 08:41

I have a son and am not worried in the least. My son loves me, I won't be 'pushy' and will wait to be invited to see the new one, if ever I am lucky enough to have grandchildren.

I have suffered from a MIL always wanting to be first and best and I know what effect it has. I would rather be welcomed with open arms instead of being tolerated.

Blu · 19/03/2015 08:48

I am the mother of a DS and I can completely understand why you would rather come home either to a private household , just you, DH and the baby, or to your own Mum if you have asked her. The post part in period is about the needs of the new mum who has just given birth. I felt very territorial and needed to nest alone in my space.

Your DH shouldn't have made ANY arrangements without checking with you first and discussing it.

Also I wouldn't have wanted anyone setting off once I was in labour: I just felt too private to have wanted anyone on any form of countdown.

YANBU, but discuss it gently with your DH.

HicDraconis · 19/03/2015 08:52

YABVU - this is your dh's baby as much as yours and his mother is as much a grandmother to it as yours is.

Another mother of boys who is saddened and scared by threads like these.

I have a huge backstory of difficulty with my MiL and even I think you are being unreasonably petty.

Dazedconfused · 19/03/2015 08:57

I would give anything to have my pils have met my beautiful daughter but sadly my mil died 7 years ago and my fil died 4 days before she was born.

If they had been alive I can't imagine having this attitude. I am very close to my mum and see her a lot so she probably would have been around more but I would never stand in the way of the equally important other grandparents(and in actual fact because my parents are separated with new partners I do have to ensure everyone gets plenty of time to give their love to my lovely baby ...why wouldn't you want as many people as possible to love your baby)

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 09:00

It's all a personal thing. It's how you as the person about to give birth feels. You should not feel bulldozed into anything happening that you don't want.

SASASI · 19/03/2015 09:03

I felt the same, albeit I have a lot of history with my MIL.

Infact I was positively fuming to see my MIL hanging around when I was being taken to theatre for my c-section. My own parents weren't there, them I would have loved to have see to wish me well. All my MIL did was DH if he had ate anything. My parents waited until my scheduled time rather than forming done sort of priority line up.

It depends on your MIL - is she generally intrusive & interfering? Will she be able to read the situations where you need space?

If not, YANBU

mrsm16 · 19/03/2015 09:03

Going against the grain too, yanbu. when my pfb was born visiting hours were 6-8, 2 people only, I wanted to see my parents first and then let in laws come. I was exhausted, emotional and wanted my dm! my parents came 6-7 and in laws 7-8 nobody seemed put out or upset by this and I just assumed it was natural to want to see your own dm first!!

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 09:06

I said nobody to come to the hospital, and we would let everyone know we were home and when they could visit.

BackCrackAndNappySack · 19/03/2015 09:06

YABU and ridiculously precious. Why can't both mothers be there? Does it really matter which one gets in the room first, anyway? Confused Why should your husband have to put his feelings and his mother's feelings to one side for two whole days in deference to your mother? Do you really think it's going to make the slightest bit of difference to anything, in the end? You'll still have your own mother fussing over you when you get home, won't you?

Grow up and get a grip.

Good grief, seriously - what is it with women having babies these days? Since when did they all become such fragile, diva-like narcs? Hmm

I am frequently left open mouthed at the level of haughtiness and entitlement some women display on MN where PFBs and their partner's families are concerned.

Original poster
lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 09:06

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I can see now that it's unfair to sideline MIL in favour of DM.
LetticeKnolly sums up my biggest fear, that I'll feel vulnerable and in a state and won't want to see anyone I'm not very, very close to.
I didn't explain thoroughly in my original post but MIL can be quite interfering (telling us where we should put the furniture in our new house, bringing us pictures and other household items without first asking if we need/want them etc) but I probably have allowed this to make me think more unfavourably of her than I should.
I am having a boy btw, and yes I am worried any future DIL that I have may not like me or want me around.

OP posts:
NellysKnickers · 19/03/2015 09:07

YABU and as a mum of 2 boys it makes me so sad to think I could be your MIL. I'm very close to my lovely MIL and loved having her and my own mum around when dcs were newborn. It's ultimately up to you but please don't shut her out.

Rosieliveson · 19/03/2015 09:07

The only part that seems like YABU to me is having to have your mum see the baby first. Even if you feel like this, it does seem a bit irrational and could be hurtful once said out loud.

On the other hand, I too did not want my MIL and FIL around when I went into labour or long term afterwards. I don't get comfort or emotional support like that from them and it would have made me uncomfortable.

As it turned out my DS arrived whilst my parents were here visiting. Once we were home from hospital, they met the baby, had a cuddle and some photos and made some brunch but then they left us to it for the afternoon. DH's parents came for a few hours that evening and had the same cuddles, photos etc. She brought a hot meal too which was very welcome.

I'd suggest a big thank you but. You are more than welcome to visit and help when we are home but we would like some time alone and would prefer not to have overnight guests.

It is also a good idea to store some help for when DH goes back to work!

Theas18 · 19/03/2015 09:07

How about MIL picks up mum and they both come together? If they both want to help they can book into a B+B and share th eload and support you both surely?

NellysKnickers · 19/03/2015 09:07

Oooops cross post

Dazedconfused · 19/03/2015 09:08

I should add that I didn't have parents at the birth and they waited until I was ready to come and see and it is fully up to you who is at the birth but not who is favourite grandparent

SASASI · 19/03/2015 09:10

Lil I have a DS & I tell myself I am learning what not to do from my MIL - and indeed what annoys DH about my own DM!

Flowers
Original poster
lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 09:11

Oh, and about who gets to see baby first - you're all totally right, it shouldn't matter at all. It does still matter to me, but I realise now how unreasonable it is, and I'll just have to suck it up and try not to let it be that big a deal.

OP posts:
Appleflour · 19/03/2015 09:11

I am in two minds about this. Firstly I think a lot of people here have been harsh on you, OP. I am ttc at the moment, am very close to my mum, and think it's a very natural instinct to want your own mum. That is how you feel and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about that. To most posters here who have said they have sons and they would feel so sad if this happened to them, would you seriously expect your DILs to want you around more than their own mums, no matter how great your relationship is? I love my MIL to bits but my first instinct would still be to want my own mum.

However, having said all that, what you want and what you actually do are two very different things, and, assuming your MIL is nice/helpful etc, she should be of equal importance to the baby as your own DM.

Can they not both come to the hospital? Could you pay for a taxi for your DM, or if your MIL drives could you ask her to maybe pick up your DM on the way? That way they could both be there. Ultimately however it's your choice.

I have noticed a worrying trend on MN recently of people trying to police others' feelings. There is a huge difference between how you feel, which you can't help, and how you act, which you can help.

Floisme · 19/03/2015 09:12

Good for you for acknowledging you were being a bit unreasonable. I hope everything goes well for you.

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