To want DM to see baby before MIL?

[lillamyy1]

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

I was that Granny. I didn't see either of my grandchildren in the hospital, whereas DiL's parents went straight away. I just accepted it and went to see the baby a few days later when DiL was feeling a bit better.
When DGC2 was born I happened to be on holiday (he was late- should have been born before we went). Again I didn't see him until he was a few days old.
Fast forward several years and I am the hands-on Granny, because I am retired and DiL's mother still works. Whether I saw my grandchildren in hospital has made no difference to my relationship with them. If I'm honest they love all their grandparents equally.
I don't think in the grand scheme of things who goes to the hospital and who doesn't will make a lot of difference, but if your DH wants his mother around shouldn't he be allowed to have her? It can be hard for fathers after the birth when all the attention is on the mother and the baby, and his mother clearly wants to be helpful.

"and be on hand for if he "needs support" "

OP, do you think that your husband doesn't really want support then, just to get his mum there asap?

We didn't tell anyone until after the birth.

As said, it would be nice if they could arrive together.

Much as we both got on with my mum, with the best will in the world, neither of us could have put up with her there "helping"!

Actually OP I can see your point although my main worry was that I preferred my mum to be at my house doing the bits and bobs needed when I was in labour. I just felt more comfortable that way and MIL has a habit of pushing in and rearranging things.

As I was induced I could make sure my non driving mum was in place at my house when I went into hospital. The PILs brought her to hospital with them and kindly weird for them sent her in first while they parked the car.

I see no need for you MIL to drive down when you go into labour. Everything should wait until after the baby is born and you shouldnt have anyone in the house when you get home who you do not want there. As long as everything is prepared beforehand (meals etc) then you really should be fine with just your husband.

Sorry if this has already been said, as I've not read the entire thread yet, but could your MIL not help by driving to pick your mum up when your baby's arrival is imminent so that they can both be there at the same time?

YANBU. I understand this completely. You are bound to have a closer relationship with your own mother and want your own mother about to help you after giving birth. I couldn't imagine I would have coped well with my mil about too much after birth, to be honest I just wanted my mum & dp about.
I suggest you say no visitors until YOU feel ready & that you would like some time to rest up and spend time with your little one.
Child birth is exhausting for mother and baby and the last thing you want is a load of visitors straight after. That way you can invite your mother over to see baby first and ask mil to visit at "x" time after you've both rested up.
Let her help out- you'll appreciate it and if your dm doesn't drive she can't take you home etc anyway.
Let your mil be involved to the level you're happy at and just enjoy your baby!

From your mil point of view - she was probably trying to be helpful with furniture suggestions and generous with gifts of household items. One woman's generosity is another one's interference. It's not a competition between you, her or your own mother - as a previous poster said why would you not want as many people to love your baby as possible?

Wait a minute - your husband is going to phone his Mammy to come and hold his hand as soon as you go into labour?

And he arranged this with his Mammy without even running it past you, the actual person who will be in labour.'

I think you need a new birth partner. This man is treating you as a walking incubator.

What is it with all these husbands needing support during the labour? They are the support!

I got back from hospital to a full house of people, from both sides of the family, waiting to celebrate the birth of a child in our family. And why not? It was lovely to see everyone so excited. I lay on the sofa being waited on, enjoying everyone cooing over the baby.

It's a matter of mindset. Expect everything to go normally and chill out. Obviously if things don't go so well, then that is the time to say you need time and space. People will understand.

I am a bit baffled about the husbands needing support too. Perhaps his Mum could nip off to KFC and get him something to eat if the labour goes on too long?

Well I'm glad that it has been said now.

If my husband had told me that he wanted his mum there as his support I would have laughed & told him to fuck off tbh.

I agree that if he needs support you might want to think about a different birth partner!

I disagree that fathers don't need support after the birth of their baby. It's a highly charged and emotional time for everyone and why shouldn't his mother be on hand to give him a hug and support him? Just because he's not pushing the baby out, doesn't mean he's completely unaffected by it all.

My MIL was the first person to see DS1 when he was born. She flew back from holiday early (I was induced at 37 weeks) and yes, she did provide support for DH. After he was sure I had all I needed and was comfortable, he stayed overnight at his parent's house and my MIL made him a nice meal/glass of wine and cosseted him a bit. Why not? He was back at the hospital early the following day to support me and my MIL saw DS1 then.

I think it's worth remembering that both sets of grandparents are just as important to the child. Starting off with a pecking order before the child is even born is unfair to everyone.

If I had come home to a house full of people I would have been devastated!
I hadn't had more than 4 hours sleep since giving birth, I was bleeding, feeling incredibly weak, exhausted and struggling to breast feed! A room full of people watching me and asking to hold my child who was exhausted herself and just needed rest? I'm okay thanks and clearly everyone else agreed because nobody did that!

It's better when No2 baby comes along because grandparents can be more useful looking after DC1 at home than wanting to fuss about at the hospital.

My impression was that the dad was supposed to be, rather than need, the support. But if dad needs support to be supportive, who supports his mam? And who supports her? Do we need a chain of support in the hospital? To form a committee?

I arrived home after DC2 was born to my in-laws in situ. It didn't occur to me to mind.

Let's just say that I will not be staying with either DS, nor DD in the immediate aftermath of either them or their partner giving birth, unless expressly requested and insisted on, and even then, probably not. It's not on.

I still think the OP is generally being U in terms of who sees the baby first.

Both sets of grandparents might be equally important to the "child".

But given that the child has just come out of its mother's body and only needs her, that importance is roughly zero.

This seems to split pretty much between people who recognise that women are people in their own right, and don't give up that ststus the second they give birth.

Of course a person who has just given birth is going to want support from people they love and a very close to.

Insisting they must accept that support from their MIL because the act of giving birth to her son's baby suddenly makes her "equal" to their own mother is really twisted and sexist.

No normal MILs expect this of their son's wives. Because they remember that they were still a person themselves after they gave birth, and not just somebody's mother.

What is it with all these husbands needing support during the labour? They are the support!

I can see my DH and his "rabbit in the headlights" face even now, sixteen years on. But he was there, and that's all the support that I needed really. If his mother had been around too I think he would have completely lost it.

Wow petty, grow the fuck up.

Well if OPs husband needs support, what does he do, run out to his mum & then back to OP??

So if both mums are called as soon as OP goes in labour/heads to hospital, OP can then call her own mum in asap to support her!

OP, I'd be willing to bet that as soon as the baby is out, you'll be on such a massive high and flooded with so many love hormones that you won't care at all who sees him first and will just be delighted to show him off.

Good luck. The last few weeks can be a weird time.

Please try to look into the future, when your child is an adult. How would you feel if their partner told you that the other grandparent must see the child first.

Nobody is worrying about the Grandfathers.

What if there are complications and he is sent out of the delivery suite while some emergency stuff happens? Would that not warrant some support? What if his mother trots off to Boots and to M&S Food to get all the things the OP needs and her DH need if the baby comes a bit early and they are not quite ready? That'll mean her DP is free to spend more time with her.

I am not saying it's a necessity to have her there but I really don't like the way the man in this scenario is always belittled and sneered at for suggesting that it might be nice to have someone on hand to share his part of the experience with, and to offer support IF he needs it, outside of the delivery suite, where frankly it's no skin off his partner's nose either way.

I understand no-one needs or wants a houseful of extended family milling around from day 1, but there is a big difference between asking wider family to be sensible and respectful about not crowding you, and telling the excited paternal grandparents who have just got their first grandchild to keep away from hospital and/or home completely for days and days, or even weeks in some cases.

I wouldn't mind so much if that rule was applied to the woman's parents as well, but it seems it never is. Funny, that.

Also, this is a first baby and the OP has already said it looks like her MIL can get there more quickly and easily than her own mother who needs to plan ahead and use buses.

Let's see how she feels about keeping MIL at bay in a couple of years, when she goes into labour with baby No.2 and needs someone to get there quickly to look after PFB toddler until her mother's bus arrives.

Firstly, there's not really much point your MIL driving to the hospital the moment you're in labour. You'll probably labour at home first until you're further along and then once you're in hospital they don't like people just hanging around. So unless she's your second birth partner, she's probably going to need to just sit in the restaurant (boring!) and labour can take a while. Your DH will be in the room with you, supporting you, he won't be out in the restaurant getting support from his mum. The only time I could think of would be if something untoward happened, in which case he could call her and she could come to the hospital. This is unlikely though. If your DH is that worried about labour, then I'd definitely suggest he watches some home births on YouTube, there's lots and they're often very relaxed.

The midwives are usually very good at giving you some space after the birth anyway, so they're unlikely to let DMIL in straight away, you should check their visiting policy, then no one is disappointed.

I'd actually suggest that your DMIL picks up your DM once you've had the baby and they both come together for visiting. Do you really need your MIL to drive you home after? (getting discharged is often a pain and either takes ages or you're heading off with zero notice!). Alternatively, if DMIL does have to drive you then politely ask DH to ask her to drop and go so you can have some family time. You can then make arrangements for both DM and MIL to visit. I agree if you need emergency childcare and/or have a second child, your MIL will be an additional resource to help with that. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

TBH once you've had the baby, so many people will have seen him it probably won't matter who sees the baby first from the family. DD was held by midwives, paediatrician and probably others before family. Also, I'd had my norks out to everyone too trying to establish breastfeeding, that I no longer cared who saw what by that stage! Often you feel different after the birth, you'll be pretty knackered by then too, that you might find you just want it to be you and your baby for a while, until you've had a little sleep, some food and possibly a shower! I'd leave all the minute visiting details vague until after you've had the baby and know how you feel at the time.