Are we out of order if we name our baby with the same name as our friend's baby?

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So, our third baby is due soon. I am CERTAIN he will be our third boy. So as you can imagine we are struggling with names we both like.

My friend has one baby who is her pfb ds. Is it really bad form if we choose the same name for our third ds? And do I have to 'apologise' for it when the time comes?

I think this is fine. I think if you'd somehow 'stolen' her name and got in before her it would be worse. But this way she can be smug in the knowledge that she got in there first. The fact that they live abroad helps.

If you don't mind, go for it.

Maiyakat that is pretty much what happened with my ex. When we got together I already had a ds called "Sean" (not his actual name). We then had a ds together called "Patrick".
We split up and his now dp has two boys called Sean and Patrick!
So my Patrick has a step brother with the same name as him and he also has a brother and step brother who share a name.
To make things even funnier, ex dp now has a dd with his partner and this girl has two brothers with the same name!

Op, just use the name.
I have a boys name I absolutely adore (but was vetoed each time I was pregnant). My brother and sil picked it for their pfb if it turned out to be a boy. He did ask me if I minded and of course I didnt. I told him I would still use it if I ever had another boy. In the end they had a dd.

I wouldn't give it a second thought. No one owns names. You don't live close and hardly see her.

QOD weren't you cross with your DH that he didn't tell you, just his mum? He doesn't know his 1st cousins' names?

My DH would struggle to name all his first cousins, his DF was one of about 7 children with a 20+ year spread of ages, he has dozens of cousins ranging in age from about 60 down to 25 and lots of big families, all the generations overlap, one of his cousins is universally known as Aunty Jane even though she's a cousin not an aunty, but is old enough to be DH's mum. There are quite a few duplications of names.

I have 1st cousins whose names I don't know..... big family on one side with huge age differences in siblings (think 25 yrs!) and my dm pretty much went NC with them.

I had a friend, 'John', whose df was abusive, they went NC once John was old enough to stand up to him (left home and lived with friends), Father left dm, remarried, had a son and called him 'John'. Now THAT is out of order IMO, not using the same name as a child in another country....

Unless it's a name you've loved since you were a child and it's the only name you like and have had your heart set on. I've never understood why people use names that friends have used. Surely the name you're thinking of is not the only name in existence. I know 2 women very close friends both have sons the same age named David. It's ridiculous. But your baby. Your choice and no one owns the name and even if million people have the sAme name people know who you're tLking to by the conversation, so on that basis YNBU.

Thanks everyone, I have really appreciated the debate. My advice to anyone from reading all of this would be to pick the name you love, and unless a friend or relatives child has been abducted by aliens it is fair game.

As for being selfish about three weddings. Well maybe I am a crap friend but listening to the wonder and preparation for THREE weddings does not float my boat.

But Lighthouse, people use names that friends have used because, well, they're names. And they like the names. And back in the day, everyone was called Margaret, John or Billy anyway, as far as I can see from my family tree. Where's the problem?

drinkfeckarse (great name! ) nope. Dh had no clue. Really odd family ... they live a few hours away, my mil was close to her sisters by phone and letter but they were all phobic about travel etc eyc. So no, he knew his cousins from childhood but his mum was only interested in her relationship with her siblings if that makes sense.
The 1st cousin who shares a name who is still living, is mils brothers grand daughter and they didn't correspond much back then.
The one who passed away, o have no idea whatsoever why she didn't tell me. I knew this poor girl killed herself and i swear she referred to her as Natalie which is nothing like dds name! Her death splintered het dad away from his mum and still has actually so she never really got mentioned again.
they are truly odd

What's in a Name, true story, when we were first married my Husband had a work mate just married, we became good friends as couples, a few years later we moved away and so did they, I don't know why but we never exchanged new addresses ( I think this is because it was left to the DH's to do this) About 5 yrs later the DH's ran into each other in the hospital car park, I had just had our 2nd Baby girl, the first was almost 2 yrs old, they had just had twin girls, I did not even know that my old friend was in the same hospital, they had named their twins the same names that we had given our girls 2 yrs apart, with no prior discussion at all and no idea that we had used the same names, so go ahead and Name your baby whatever you want, it's just a thought now when the baby comes you may well change your mind.

Considering your friend lives in another country, I think it's fine. I know two people who knew each other when pregnant and called their boys the same (relatively unusual) name. They live in the same town and their boys went to the same school, same year group, different classes. I don't know whether one of them thought of it first or it was a coincidence, but if one liked the name the other had chosen and thought she'd use it to, I can see the first one being annoyed. But unless the kids are likely to spend a lot of time together, I don't see the problem.

The traditional approach to selecting baby names is intuitive and emotional. Many parents select names for their babies using the name of someone they like or admire (a relative, a movie star, a politician, a character in a book, a childhood friend). Unfortunately, the personal associations one has to another's name rarely reflect consensus associations of the general public. In this way, many children are given names that have neutral or even negative connotations.

Research findings show a clear alternative to intuitive and emotional approaches to name selection. This alternative mind-set requires one to consider how the general population will react to the child's name and how that name (which becomes a lasting part of the child's identity) will influence the ways in which others react to the child himself.
Experimental findings show that people with desirable or attractive names are treated more favorably by others than are those with undesirable or unattractive names. Also, persons with undesirable or unattractive names tend to be handicapped in their personal, social, and work-related activities. Accordingly, it behooves parents to discover the impressions that will be generated by the names they select for their children.

I have two boys and two of my friends children are now called their children one of my sons name. I can honestly say I am flattered because it means they must like how my two are turning out as they have obviously not been turned off the name(s). Hopefully your friend would feel the same and I don't think you need to give her prior warning because it should be announced to everyone together. If she takes it the wrong way it says more about her than you.

I have a friend who is due in 8 weeks, we were really close but now rarely see each other, she's pissed off because I named DD2 the name she is calling her pfb. And she was annoyed I didn't mention it in passing. I didn't know she had picked this name. They'd not be at the same school or anything and yous don't see each other often though so I can't see why it matters...

I do remember a conversation between uni friends when one was pregnant and said she quite liked Lily for a girl. Other friend went mad, saying, but "you can't choose that, you know that was MY name for a girl from years ago". (True, she did say this was her fave name years ago - before Lily was popular) She has two boys and plans to have more kids but there's no guarantee she'll have a girl is there? Plus they live in different parts of the country and see each other about once a year. Mad.

Friend in question actually ended up choosing a name that was the name of another uni friend (her own actual name not her kid's), which seemed a bit funny like she was naming her after her but it wasn't really, she just liked the name.

Another friend of mine chose the same name as my DD1 about 6 years later (and again living in different parts of the country). No problem. It is also her sister's name so that is probably more why she chose it than copying me! Not that it would bother me if she had copied me.

I have a close circle of friends that I see more often than family because family live a long way away. We often meet up at weekends and sometimes go on holiday together. I see their children more than I see my DNs. I think I would find it odd if one of these close friends used the same first name as one of mine (don't care about middle names). I would not say anything though and it would not affect the friendship.

I would not find it odd if a friend I see only once a year and who lives miles away used the same name. However, it is clear from these threads on here that some people do mind this stuff so if I wanted to use the same name as a friend I would be sensitive to that. I would probably still use the name if it was not highly unusual and I did not see them often, but I would be sensitive in how I tell her in case she might be someone who did mind.

As has been said countless times, nobody owns a name.
I personally wouldn't WANT to name one of my kids the same name as one of my friends' kids, but that doesn't mean I'd be peed off if someone chose one of our names. In fact, all three of my boys' first names, being fairly common, have since been used by friends for their babies. Didn't bother me in the least.
The only time we really had second thoughts about it, was when we were expecting our third boy at the same time that our nephew's girlfriend was expecting their first. We both wanted the same name, but knowing that the two boys would within a couple of years be in the same class at school together, I thought it might be a bit weird for two cousins in the same class to have the same name, so we went with that as a middle name and chose a different first name (tbh, it was my dh who wanted the original name anyway, I wanted the name we ended up choosing!)
There are however two OTHER little boys in the extended family who are second cousins, they're both the same age and have the same first name but don't go to school together and to be honest don't ever see each other, so it's really not a problem or an issue.

I can see people getting het up if they chose a really unusual name for their child and then a friend also used it, but if it's quite a common name then I see it as fair game.

Both my cousin and a friend used my dog's name for their children.

I don't mind!

This has happened to me twice..First time was pregnant with 2nd and had names picked out. We sadly lost the baby but my sister who was expecting at same time used the name we picked out(not out of an honour thing to us, cos she's just rude and i even told her it upset me at the time!) but changed spelling and the next time we had 20wk scan, found out gender and kept our name quiet, 2 wks later dh cousin announces expecting a boy and name is, tadaaaa, our name. I changed it. glad I did now as ds suits it so much more ??

I'd just use the name as you're not close geographically (or particularly emotionally from what I can tell from your posts).
I did change DSs name because my nephew who was born 9 months before was called the name I was going to use (family name); I used the name as DSs middle name instead. I didn't check with DB and DSiL that it would be okay, as far as I know I've caused no offence. DD has a lovely name that's not massively popular but not unusual either; 7 months after she was born friends, who live half way round the world from us, called their DD the same name. I was hugely flattered (even if our choice had nothing to do with theirs) and complimented them on their excellent taste in names.
I have the same name as DH sister and on our wedding day DSiL asked my Mum if she thought it would be okay if everyone referred to me by a different shortened version as she was "My Name" first (she's a couple of years older than me). I have no problem with this, it's only in my DHs family my name alters slightly.
I do kind of understand the possessiveness over names when they're yours (as in DSiL case) but not when they're your children's.

Fair enough QOD
I'm Polish and first cousins are almost immediate family. Although thinking about it - my first name is the same as my 1st cousins (seriously mother) as my mother didn't click it was the same (?) because she was under stress from breaking up with my father. Still . Then my other cousin's DC are called respectively Drink and Feck (Drink being my first name and Feck middle name). So there are two cousins called Drink in my family plus one more DD of the other cousin (who is the DB of the original Drink).
Disclaimer: names have been changed

Tbh in Poland everyone's called Anna, Katarzyna or Magdalena.

My own DC has a rather distinctive name

I named DS1 after my grandfather, also happens to be my cousin's name. His DD1 has the same name as me. And my DS2 shares his name with my brother. No imagination round our way! But then no chance of being precious about names either.

When in hospital after having DS1, I rang someone to tell them I'd had him and what his name was. Five minutes later, woman in the bed opposite tells a visitor that she has just decided to name her baby exactly the same as mine - first and middle names - which can't have been coincidence. I did find this spur of the moment 'name-stealing' a little odd, but so what?

Use the name and ignore the naysayers.

My children have reasonably uncommon names and it wouldn't bother me at all if a friend chose the same names. It's not if the children are the same age even. And it's not like we've named them Skyninja1, 2 and 3 either. That WOULD be weird if you were copying a made-up name.

Two boys from my antenatal group have the same name.

It sounds like you are more worried about her reaction because of who and how she is. Would you be so bothered if it was another more tolerant friend?

I would be glad if it was dd2, as she has such unusual name it might be easier if we knew another! ;)

Dd1 has a (now) commonish name, and we certainly didn't pick it for its uniqueness.

I would find it flattering. However, would like to be warned, especially if it was likely others would ask me if I knew etc