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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we out of order if we name our baby with the same name as our friend's baby?

193 replies

spad · 15/03/2015 23:45

So, our third baby is due soon. I am CERTAIN he will be our third boy. So as you can imagine we are struggling with names we both like.

My friend has one baby who is her pfb ds. Is it really bad form if we choose the same name for our third ds? And do I have to 'apologise' for it when the time comes?

OP posts:
Original poster
spad · 15/03/2015 23:46

Don't know if this is relevant or not but she lives in a far away country. Returns about once a year with her British DH for a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
turquoiseamethyst · 15/03/2015 23:47

I honestly think it depends on what the name is.

turquoiseamethyst · 15/03/2015 23:47

And, I wouldn't personally care but some people REALLY do!

StayGoldPonyBoy · 15/03/2015 23:47

Depends how she will feel. I had an ex who shared his name with his cousin. They were born a week apart! But nobody minded. One went by the longer version and the other a nick name

Dieu · 15/03/2015 23:48

I'm sure if you run it by her first, she'll be immensely flattered by your choice! I can't imagine why anyone would be annoyed in this situation. Best of luck with your new baby.

squoosh · 15/03/2015 23:53

It would be a bit weird if it was quite an obscure name like Horatio or something. Less weird if it's Harry.

I'd mention it to her in passing though before the child is born.

Original poster
spad · 15/03/2015 23:53

But if I ran it by her first it would mean that she would know the name of our baby before my family did. That would really bother me. And to be honest I think it would bother my family too, at least a little bit, for a second or two.

Surely names belong to everyone? I don't get this thing where you 'own' a name.

OP posts:
Original poster
spad · 15/03/2015 23:56

Definitely more a Harry than a Horatio!

Really? You'd mention it in passing?

Actually she has just been for a visit and I know I won't see her for at least another year. I don't do any kind of facebook and we just send the odd short email with a couple of pics so there is no chance of casually skirting round the subject by mentioning it over a coffee, iyswim?

This is a big deal, isn't it?

I was hoping you lot would say it was no problem.

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DoJo · 15/03/2015 23:56

You don't have to say that you are definitely going to use it, just tell her it is one of the names you are considering and ask her thoughts - that way she won't 'know' and you aren't 'asking' her if you can use it just feeling out her opinions on the matter!

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 15/03/2015 23:57

I'll be honest I'd be pissed off, rightly or wrongly, if a friend picked the same name for their DC as I called DD. But it's an unusual name so that might be why.

OhMjh · 15/03/2015 23:59

I think it depends if you've only picked the name because you heard it when they named DS or if it was one which was one in the pipelines anyway. If it's the former, that's a bit off, especially if it had a deep significance for them. If it's the latter, then go ahead!

Why not tell your friend you're contemplating said name and gage her reaction from that?

schokolade · 15/03/2015 23:59

Well you don't have to say you're using it. Just that you are considering it.

Original poster
spad · 15/03/2015 23:59

Okay, so the other drama is that my DH has form for being a nightmare when it comes to discussing names. Don't ask me why but a proper made me cry heaps nightmare.

I am almost certain we will both agree on this name, and it matches our other two boys.

Does that change anything?

OP posts:
squoosh · 15/03/2015 23:59

Well I'd mention but you know your friend, is it the kind of thing she's likely to be bothered about?

If you only meet up annually it's hardly a big deal. Not like living next door to one another.

Marcipex · 16/03/2015 00:00

And you only meet up once a year? Of course you can use the name, no one owns a name.

RainbowInACloud · 16/03/2015 00:01

Our friends chose the same name for their DS. Didn't even occur to me to be bothered. You don't own a name!
And in your case you don't even live close together. Go for it.

schokolade · 16/03/2015 00:02

Like you say though, no one owns a name. But in the interest of good relations I'd probably run it by her.

Original poster
spad · 16/03/2015 00:03

Thanks Marcipex.

I was sooooo hoping that someone would say that!

I guess you have all made me realise that if we do use the name I am just going to have to get on with coping with how she feels about it. Rightly or wrongly there is no way I am going to write an email saying 'jr has arrived safely' hope you don't mind we called him jr?' Particularly as this is a relatively common name.

And my friend has form for being selfish at times.

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SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 16/03/2015 00:05

How close is this friend? Not close geographically I know, but if it was my best friend's DS, I wouldn't use the name.

If it was a more distant or casual friend then I would.

I sympathise with you on the difficulty of naming boys with an awkward DH. If DD had been DS3, we wouldn't have had a name at all!

Original poster
spad · 16/03/2015 00:05

And Rainbow and Scholade. Thanks!

I guess I am just going to have to cope with the fall out. I am definitely not asking permission. Writing this thread has made me realise that.

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wreckingball · 16/03/2015 00:05

Sorry, but it would piss me off.
I really liked a name when DD was born but we had two friends who had used it so we chose a different one.
All our babies were quite close in age and it just seemed too much.

Original poster
spad · 16/03/2015 00:06

Wrecking

Honestly though, would you have felt the same way if they lived a couple of thousand miles away?

OP posts:
squoosh · 16/03/2015 00:08

I didn't suggest you ask permission just that you drop into conversation/email that you had a name shortlist and her son's name was on it.

It's what I'd do because I like my friends. You do seem a tad combative, as though you're expecting her to be arsey about it.

missusdaly · 16/03/2015 00:12

I'd be very pissed off. But our DDs name is not. Jane or Emma or Deirdre. Its an unusual name and it would be very unusual if two children in close circles shared this name.

That's only because DDs name is a rare one, though. We have a name already selected a name for (as yet unconcieved) DC2 which is much, much more common so if a close friend or family member decided to call their child this name (even if their child is born before ours) I would just assume that they happen to also like that name and wouldn't be offended.

Meanwhile there'd be just the teeniest bit of side-eye because we've already told people about our plans to name DC2 by this name so we'd be like 'Well, you named your child this knowing that we're gonna name our kid this' but that's it. The name is up for grabs, we don't own it just because we chose it first.

TheFullGammon · 16/03/2015 00:12

Once a year, fairly common name, fair game I think.

Still early days if you haven'teven discussed it with DH though.