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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we out of order if we name our baby with the same name as our friend's baby?

193 replies

spad · 15/03/2015 23:45

So, our third baby is due soon. I am CERTAIN he will be our third boy. So as you can imagine we are struggling with names we both like.

My friend has one baby who is her pfb ds. Is it really bad form if we choose the same name for our third ds? And do I have to 'apologise' for it when the time comes?

OP posts:
zippyswife · 16/03/2015 10:02

Go for it!

A very very good friend of mine asked if she could use ds1s name for her ds. The name is very very uncommon and is a family name. But I had no issue in her using it. I don't own the name! I guess it was polite for her to ask me first so you could do that?

ShadowStone · 16/03/2015 10:20

I think it all depends on how close you are to the friend, how often you see them, how close in age the children are, and how common the name is.

I wouldn't use a name used by a very close relative, or a name used by a good friend that we see often.

But in the circumstances you describe I'd not be too concerned about using the same name.

Also, I wouldn't run it by her or ask if she minds you using the same name, unless you're going to respect her answer and not use it if she has a problem with the names being the same.

CapnMurica · 16/03/2015 10:32

Honestly, unless you are intending to give him the name of his brother I don't see the problem.

I really don't get this angst over 'two of my friends used this name in the same year' stuff. So what? They don't live together so they? Why does it matter?

I wouldn't even object if one of my siblings wanted to use the same names as me - which is weird as my sister has already told me I have used two of her favourite names which she now won't use!

Bettercallsaul1 · 16/03/2015 10:32

I would definitely give your child the name you love. It doesn't matter in the least how many "hundreds of other names" there are if you don't want to use any of them. Your friend doesn't have a monopoly on the name and I'm quite sure that someone used it before her!

The reason that someone might object to a friend using the same name that they've chosen is that it reduces the rarity value of the name within their circle, thus reducing the cleverness and originality of the parents in thinking of it. If you only see this friend once a year, you are obviously not moving in the same circles on an everyday basis so this objection becomes largely irrelevant.

There is therefore no good reason at all to stop you following your heart, OP!

FragileBrittleStar · 16/03/2015 10:41

I always thought i didn't mind - then a friend of mine called her second child the same name as mine (on the grounds that they were moving 1000s of miles away) - and it does feel awkward- just a bit grating comments about how is your x doing ? how is big x vs little x? I also feel a bit judged for using abbreviations etc (all by facebook!)- but that said I'd never have objected, its my issue not hers and she did broach it with me before and was really open- plus she'd never have done it if they were staying near

Icimoi · 16/03/2015 10:49

If it's a common name I don't see a problem with using it. But what do you mean about it "matching" your other children's names? Each child is an individual, I don't see the point in insisting that their names somehow match up.

HotSquashedBun · 16/03/2015 10:49

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest but then I gave my boys fairly common names as I wasn't bothered about them being the only child with that name. DS2 will probably be one of three in his year with the same name when he starts school. It's a nice name.
Some people get really possessive over names and it pisses them off if their child isn't the only child on the planet called that but really that's their problem. You can choose any name you like!

BeCool · 16/03/2015 12:25

OP just use the name you choose.

Your friend doesn't own a name and you don't have to clear anything at all with her. I'm sure at some point she is going to meet another child with her PFB's name and will just have to get a grip if it "bothers" her in any way. And if she is the kind of person to give a shit about choosing a name you like and want for your baby, well you only see her once a year now - you could always reduce contact.

JWIM · 16/03/2015 12:28

OP choose the name you and your DH want. Just let friends including the one overseas know as and when baby appears - and best of luck for delivery.

My take on names is that no-one owns them - we had two babies that both died. Very long standing friends have named their DC the same names - born a few years after ours. It never occurred to DH or me that this was unacceptable or that we should have been consulted. However, I am aware of another acquaintance who did say to someone that the name of their sadly deceased child was 'theirs' and they were upset when someone else used the same name. My view - the acquaintance had the problem and had to learn to deal with it - and much like OP's 'friend' said acquaintance could be very self-centered.

muminhants · 16/03/2015 12:36

If you like the name, use it. This friend might not be a friend in a few years' time.

I liked the name Charles, but my husband's nephew is called Charles so he said no way. But in my family my uncle and a cousin (not the uncle's son) are both called Peter, so it isn't as sensitive. But we found another nice name for my son so it didn't matter.

I also like Charlotte but two of my ante-natal group had babies before we did, and they both called their daughters Charlotte. My husband said it was going to be too common a name, but actually there isn't a Charlotte in my son's school year so it wouldn't have mattered if he'd been a girl and we'd called him Charlotte. And we're not in touch with those members of our NCT group anymore, so it really wouldn't have mattered.

BreconBeBuggered · 16/03/2015 12:41

'My eldest is 12 now. My SIL just had their first baby and they called it my eldest's middle name.
Whilst DH and I have not and would not make comment to them about this, privately we both said it wasn't something we'd have done.'

Seriously? I've just realised my brother did this too. Twelve years ago, and I've only just noticed. His reason for wanting that particular name was no less valid than mine.

loiner45 · 16/03/2015 12:55

sometimes people think they are being soooo unique in their choice of interesting names, not realising that there is something in the air whispering that name into every expectant parent' ear - oh and the ear of every new puppy owner too!

I remember when no-one had a child called Molly and it was a really old fashioned girl's name that hadn't made a come back. My friend and her kids voted on what to call their new puppy and Molly was thought to be an original name that no other dog they knew was called Hmm. Well within a year there were at least 3 Mollies on their dog walk and every other baby girl seemed to be called it. No-one 'copied' anyone, it just came into fashion.

loiner45 · 16/03/2015 12:56

dear god taking ownership of middle names too Shock bonkers Biscuit

Mamus · 16/03/2015 13:00

I'm trying to imagine being pissed off by other people liking the names I like and using them... Trying hard, but I can't. It's just a name. If uniqueness was all that important to me I'd have called them srgfesw54 or something. Of course other people will like the names and use them... they're great names!

TruJay · 16/03/2015 13:15

Someone has just done this to me, we used to live next door, not anymore but still in the same village. Extended families all know each other, older children in same year at school. My dd's name isn't even in the top 1000 names and was last used in 1932! Yes I'm pissed off!

In your circumstances I don't think it matters as you say you rarely see each other and live in different countries. Your children aren't exactly gonna be together are they?
Personally I wouldn't use a name I know another child with but as you say it's a popular name anyway so many children already have that name.

hawaiibaby · 16/03/2015 13:15

I am so surprised some people think you need to run it past her. Nobody owns a name (unless they literally made one up for their DS which isn't the case here). People can be so precious and funny about the strangest things.

Op, My very good friend who also lives thousands of miles away as it happens, had her 2nd boy 8 weeks before our pfb was due. She used my favourite name, and when our baby arrived - a boy - we used it too. It didn't even occur to me to 'ask' - why on earth would I?? Like you, it is a fairly classic / well-known name.

She said something lovely like 'I'm so pleased we have both named them X - feel like it's an extra special something that we share.' However, if she had been annoyed I would have told her to piss off!

It's far more important to use a name you love and that works for your family than avoid because of this. Honestly.

DH and I said if she was in our close circle of local friends we probably wouldn't have as it might have been confusing, but when we've met since or talk on the phone, it really isn't a problem. We both know which son we're talking about! Good luck Op and hope your DH likes it!

LulaMayBrown · 16/03/2015 13:20

Op - I would certainly use the name.

I didn't use the name Imogen for my DD as it was already being used by a friend in our toddler group. I loved the name, but it just seemed too associated with her baby and I also felt I didn't want her to think I was leaping on 'her' name.

8 years on and 2 moves later and I am completely out of contact with her. Wish I had just gone and used the name now as I still love it (even though it's now very popular). Love my DD's name too, but just not quite as much. Was very silly not to use the name I truly liked.

ConfusedInBath · 16/03/2015 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MackerelOfFact · 16/03/2015 13:43

How common is the name, do you know any others? If you know other boys/men with the same name and she comments on it you can always brush it off with 'I know, isn't it funny, I must know at least 4 others! So many of us with such great taste!'

Of course nobody 'owns' a name, but equally nobody owns exclusive rights to the car they drive, the clothes they wear or the wallpaper they put in their bedroom - but that doesn't mean it's a bit odd when people you know choose the exact same ones after seeing yours.

Lancelottie · 16/03/2015 13:52

If she comments, just shrug and blame it on DH: 'Yeah, I did remind him about your little Fritz, but it was the only name he liked apart from Adolf...'

BeCool · 16/03/2015 14:04

OP - you will never get away from the fact that many people out there astonishingly think what other people do in their lives is "all about them".

Really - it isn't.

Original poster
spad · 16/03/2015 14:10

Answers to pp...

About sibling names that 'match'. For example, you probably wouldn't have a Zebedee and a Jane Iyswim?

And about being selfish, how's about having three wedding ceremonies? Surely I can't be the only person who has friends that I don't always understand or agree with?

As for it being 'her' name. Well if the name is from my country of origin and not hers does that make it more mine? Iyswim?

OP posts:
CactusAnnie · 16/03/2015 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
spad · 16/03/2015 14:23

I wasn't sure before I posted.

OP posts:
BolshierAyraStark · 16/03/2015 14:37

Sounds very much like you were & wanted us to tell you it's ok...

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