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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we out of order if we name our baby with the same name as our friend's baby?

193 replies

spad · 15/03/2015 23:45

So, our third baby is due soon. I am CERTAIN he will be our third boy. So as you can imagine we are struggling with names we both like.

My friend has one baby who is her pfb ds. Is it really bad form if we choose the same name for our third ds? And do I have to 'apologise' for it when the time comes?

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 16/03/2015 08:24

Of course no one owns a name, but the fact that you're thinking about this shows that it can easily be seen as slightly bad form to use a name your friend has used.

I don't think it says very much for you that you're focussing on the responses you like because they let you have your own way, and then have gone on to complain about this woman's personality.

She's either a friend who's feelings you give a shit about or she isn't. Where she lives only makes a little bit of difference in that your children won't be around each other much.

I'd mention it to her in a way that doesn't leave her much room to object, but that also recognises that she might understandably feel miffed that out of all the names in the world you are choosing one that she has used.

tiggytape · 16/03/2015 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostTeacher · 16/03/2015 08:27

Two of my close friends have called their DC the same as mine. So all three of us have a DS with the same name.

I'd say it was more of an Horatio than Harry too. Grin

I thought something like this would have bothered me, but actually it doesn't affect my life in any way at all.

I loved the name, so can see why my two friends love it too. If I were you OP, I'd go ahead and do it. Do not apologise to your friend as, as I'm sure you've been told already, she doesn't own rights to the name.

DazzleU · 16/03/2015 08:28

Would bother me only if they copied my DC unusual names and they were likely to be in the same year or class at school.

Had one of my DC coincidentally have same unusual name as another DC in their school year - you'd think it wouldn't be an issue that they'd be use to it and other parents would know about both girls - but no constant hassle - and despite being very friendly with other parents they were crap at passing wrong letters, kit or information that stuff might be their DC not our along to us.

It was a relief when that DC left the school and removed the problem that was still occurring in y4.

In case of friend you who lives in another country, doesn't sound close and you only see once a year - well it's a none issue it's clearly not going to cause the DC any problems so only issue is the drama friend might make - which could easily be ignored.

Original poster
spad · 16/03/2015 08:34

Needle

You are right. Reading and writing this thread I have clarified my original thoughts, you can't 'own' a name. And you certainly don't need approval from anyone, apart from the baby's father, to choose your favourite name.

I refer to personality traits because I really have cut her ALOT of slack in the past and whilst a lot of you have said you have quietly disapproved of 'your' name being taken it is probable that this friend would challenge me on it.

Our surname is unusual and we have a definite theme running with the boys names we have already chosen, making the choice we have very limited.

OP posts:
Original poster
spad · 16/03/2015 08:35

Also, I do care about her but I have previously learned that she is very good at looking after herself.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 16/03/2015 08:38

The UK is full of Jacks, Mohammeds, Olivers, Harrys and Sams, all of whom manage to survive in school just fine, despite not being the only one with their names.

kwerty · 16/03/2015 08:38

Jeez! Outrage from the extended family! Really is it only on Mumsnet that this precious behaviour goes on. Call your kid whatever you like. Life is short.

funkyfoam · 16/03/2015 08:41

Two years after our daughters were born a friend told me they had changed their first choice name because we had used it first. I was amazed that she should of thought we would have cared. It is an ordinary but obviously very beautiful(!) name and nobody owns it. If your friend is so far away it is a non problem.

csivillage · 16/03/2015 08:42

Difficult one. I think if it is an unusual name then the other parents may be upset. But if it is a relatively common one then I would say just go for it.

When I named my 2nd boy my friend said she was gutted as she had liked it for her next son, should she have one. I wouldn't have really minded if she did, even though it was slightly less run of the mill. I saw it as a compliment.

However, she just couldn't use the name when she did eventually have another boy.

Lancelottie · 16/03/2015 08:46

Stop overthinking it! She's not your son's parent and thus doesn't get a say in naming him.

I speak as someone with a cousin with my name, a nephew with one son's name and more than one friend with children called the same as my other son.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 16/03/2015 08:51

If we ever have a son, his name will be x. It's a family tradition and I've told my friends this. My best friends DH loves the name and they had it on their list for their DS. She didn't ask my permission but did drop it into conversation. I was also pregnant at the time but didn't know what I was having. Of course I didn't mind, it's a fairly popular name, they love it, I could hardly claim ownership of it. All I said was 'of course it's fine but we'll still use it too as DH is dead set on it!' As it happened I had a DD (and expecting my second DD) and she named her DS something different. But it genuinely wouldn't have mattered if they both had the same name, and we see each other about 4 times a week!

Orangeisthenewbanana · 16/03/2015 08:55

I think as you only see her once a year, and she lives abroad it's fine. Your kids will barely see each other and you'll regret not using it if you really like the name.

Blazing88 · 16/03/2015 09:04

I'd be pissed off.

In fact I was. 2 months after our son was born, another friend had a baby and called him exactly the same name. It was an unusual name, and the way she announced it was identical.

I'm afraid I did see my arse. Come on seriously, how many names are there to pick from?!

I might add..our son's name is a name you can shorten, so for example, our announcement was..welcome to Theodore (but we will call him Theo) - this wasn't the name but you get the drift. (but it wasn't a common shortening)

Only1scoop · 16/03/2015 09:06

You don't sound that keen on this friend to be honest.

Of course nobody 'owns' .... However my dd has quite an unusual and lovely name I would find it slightly odd if friends followed suit. However not so much if not a close friend whom I rarely saw....

It's quite flattering for her really though she probably won't give it a second thought.

miniavenger · 16/03/2015 09:06

YANBU to just go ahead and do it. Unless the name is really unique- made up by the parents, for example- then it's a possibility anyway, add to that your distance to her and that you appear less friends and more acquaintances...go for it.

HamishBamish · 16/03/2015 09:11

I would just go ahead and use the name if you like it. We have friends who used DS2's name and it wasn't a big deal at all. Nobody owns a name. If it is unusual, then it probably won't be a few years down the line. All names go through cycles of being popular, unless their totally original which is unlikely.

honeysucklejasmine · 16/03/2015 09:13

I think you can name your child whatever you want! You hardly see her, who cares? except her probably

And I say this as someone who had a meltdown when BIL declared they were using "our" name. Although, he didn't know it was ours, and I'd just had an mc so I plead hormones. I'm over it now.

BingBong36 · 16/03/2015 09:18

It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself it is ok to go ahead and use it.

Of course no one owns a name but I believe the right thing to do would be to tell them in advance. It doesn't really matter if they know the name before family!!

A similar thing happened to me with an anti natal friend, I told them we were considering a name and she was fine. I'd never chose same name as a close friend. We aren't in touch any more but I felt better after telling her.

Totality22 · 16/03/2015 09:21

People get so funny about names.

DD has a more unusual name (not in top 100) so I'd be a bit funny if a good friend used that name all my friends are local though so I'd def see them quite often

DS has a much more pop name though so fair game if anyone were to use it.

So basically I'd see the use of my DD name more along the 'stealing my thunder' lines.

Totality22 · 16/03/2015 09:21

DS has a popular name!

MadeInChorley · 16/03/2015 09:25

My DS2 has the same name as my oldest friend's DS2. It is a fairly common name and her DS is3 years older. Plus she lives abroad so we see each other rarely.

You have to remember that children grow up and go off out into the world and are individuals. Although it's the same name as your friend used its not like anyone will remark on it after the first week and if it's common enough name, then so what?

LMGTFY · 16/03/2015 09:29

Ds2 shares a name with one of ds1's best friends. More of a Harry type name. Doesn't matter one jot to either of us.

QOD · 16/03/2015 09:35

I did the opposite ... named Dd and then 6 years later someone mentioned dh cousin had a Dd with the same name, 6 years older and then again another freaking 2 years later I discovered another cousin had had one about 15 yrs older who'd sadly killed herself.
I was a tad cross that dh mum who was their freaking aunt, didn't tell me.

dh family have Form for re using names and they all knew I hated it.

Dh and siblings are along the lines of

Patrick
Patricia
Francis
Frances

and Frances has a Francis and a patricia it makes me want to scream

zoemaguire · 16/03/2015 09:52

Use it! Of course nobody owns a name.

Though unless you have seen it on an ultrasound, I don't quite see how you are certain it is going to be a boy!!