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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

235 replies

ssd · 13/03/2015 17:30

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 13/03/2015 17:39

I feel the same. I have two boys, they arent particularly sporty or outdoorsy which i suppose might mean i have more in common with them than their dad (we are separated and he see them fortnightly) but i cant deny that there seems to be an unwritten rule that boys/men just arent as close to their mothers as girls are, or as close as they are to their dads. It does scare me. What to do other than to create strong bonds whilst they are children and hope you instill in them a sense of caring about their mum? Mine brought me breakfast in bed this morning. For no reason other than they said i deserve it. I am hoping its an indication that im doing something right and they'll still want to take care of me when theyre older.

Jollyphonics · 13/03/2015 17:40

I have boys too, and I have some fears as well. I particularly hate the threads on here about not wanting MIL to visit soon after their baby is born, but it's OK for their own Mum to be present at the birth, that sort of thing. But really, apart from being as nice to their girlfriends as you can, and obviously being a nice Mum, there's not a lot you can do about it, you just have to hope for the best!

IreneA78 · 13/03/2015 17:40

I have 2 brothers that are married with children and still close to our mum.

Paintedpinksapphires · 13/03/2015 17:43

My DH is very close to his Mum. Calls regularly, visits regularly, she (and his Dad) are included in all the same ways as my DPs.

She was even invited to my wedding dress fitting as she doesn't have a daughter and it was important to my DH that she feel involved.

You are raising your son, you will shape the man he becomes.

Original poster
ssd · 13/03/2015 17:44

the MIL threads annoy me too, but I feel I can handle coming second best to their wives or girlfriends mums

I just dont want to be forgotten

OP posts:
rattling · 13/03/2015 17:48

You should see how my brother is with our mum. She trailed about after his football playing, got very cold and met some great friends who understood it as little as she did. He lives thousands of miles away, but Skypes twice a week, and comes home twice a year to see her. He plans to move home when she needs him. He makes up for the non-cuddliness of her 2 daughters (at nearly 40).

I have 2 boys, hope they don't move so far away, but hopefully they will stay close. At the moment their personalities suggest one will make more effort than the other, but I have a few years to work on them.

30somethingm · 13/03/2015 17:48

I'm one of four brothers (age range 27-40) and all of us have a fiery relationship with mum. Each of us has a range of issues we don't see eye to eye with her on, as we are all quite strong willed. We still love her to bits though, although I'd say we have more "deep chats with dad who shares more of our hobbies, interests and outlook.

One can still love people who are different.

Paintedpinksapphires · 13/03/2015 17:48

I'm sure you won't be!

The MIL threads don't annoy me, I just be sure to take notes!

BasinHaircut · 13/03/2015 17:49

I know plenty of females who aren't close to their mothers.

BUT I get what you mean. My sister and I see my mum weekly (and each other) whilst my brother probably monthly.

Yarp · 13/03/2015 17:49

So, here is my theory (i have 2 sons, and a brother)

In families where there is a son and a duaghter, there is a stereotypical assumptions that girls are there to stay closer to their families, and also to please them.

Where your children are only one sex, that dutifulness will be shared.

So stop worrying!

squoosh · 13/03/2015 17:49

I have four brothers, all very close to our mother.

Yarp · 13/03/2015 17:51

Also, and this is just an aside

What is to stop you understanding sport?

CatsBollocks · 13/03/2015 17:52

A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter the rest of her life.

In my mums case this ^ was very true. My brothers never bothered with her much not for the want of her trying yet the girls all visited 2-3 times a week and we spoke every day. My DH and his brothers adore their mum yet their sister rarely visits. Children leave home and live their own lives one day. Two of mine already have and it's my daughter who chooses to come home more often than my son whose too busy with the latest girlfriend and partying at Uni Grin

Notagainmun · 13/03/2015 17:54

My DH had to be encouraged, by me, to go and visit his mum and she lives in walking distance. Yet she blamed me for not seeing him.

I have two DSs. DS1 has just bought a house with his lovely girlfriend. He returned home from Uni to live with us 18 months ago but I am worried that his visits home will start to reduce and I will miss him.

DS2 is hopefully off to uni in Sept/ So I will see how it pans out over the next few years. I don't want to be a nuisance calling them all the time but I am worried too,

cupcakesandapples · 13/03/2015 17:55

My hubby is still close to his mum- rings her every other day and sees her once a week x

redskybynight · 13/03/2015 17:55

I am a girl (well a woman). I am significantly less close to my mother than my brother is. No reason why your brothers should not be close to you.

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 17:56

It is simply not true!
The expectation of the mother/daughter best friend relationship in later years sets people up for disappointments. It might happen or it might not-pure luck.
I have sons -and a close relationship with them as adults-the secret is to make friends with the wives/girlfriends and to make sure that you have 'let go' by the time they are adults.
The mother/son bond is very strong -perhaps why DIL don't like to acknowledge it exists if they are the jealous sort.
The father/daughter bond is also very strong-I have friends who are completely 'daddy's girl'- always were and it carries through.
Keep the lines of communication open and don't have set expectations and you will probably be fine.

Yarp · 13/03/2015 17:57

Also think that we have to step back a bit and not let it be all about how we feel, what we need, or what we feel is owed to us.

I hope my sons want to talk to me and share parts of their lives when they are older, but my biggests happiness will come from them making good relationships with others.

My relationship with my husdand is going to be the primary focus when they are grown up anyway.

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 17:57

Give them roots and give them wings and welcome all girlfriends-you don't know which will be with you for life-open house policy.

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 17:58

Very true Yarp.

RufusTheReindeer · 13/03/2015 17:59

DH doesn't see his mum that often, my brother is fairly shite at family contact

In our families we have two example of men getting married and then going non contact or virtually non contact

It does worry me

I'm just going to have to be the best mum/mil in the world Grin God that's going to be hard!!

Nervo · 13/03/2015 17:59

My dh is very close to his Mum. They have very long conversations and we see her often. She is very respectful of space. I very much enjoy her company.

My brothers adore my Mum. As do I.

One of my SIL's clearly gets irritated by my Mum but for no reason that I can fathom.

JT05 · 13/03/2015 18:01

You are right to have these fears. It seems fashionable to MIL bash and expect the mothers of sons to take a back seat, in every respect.

Well done Paintedpink..... To invite your MIL to the dress choosing. I was told the wedding was nothing to do with me, despite financial contribution!
I am not bitter, but strive to be a kind helpful MIL and granny, in the face of all adversity.

Best wishes to all mothers of sons!

needaholidaynow · 13/03/2015 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummiUni · 13/03/2015 18:05

i feel like this. my ds is 16 and we are having lots of disagreements about the xbox. he has stopped doing anything else and we have regular 'discussions' about his obsession.

Yet I worry that this is damaging our relationship to the point that it may never recover Sad.

I worry that he will be like my brother and not want to see his parents.

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