To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

[ssd]

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

For every boy that's not close to his Mum, there's a boy that is, and also a girl that isn't.
What a load of over-generalised poppycock. In many cases boys are closer to their Mums than their Dads, and girls closer to their Dads - but that's a generalisation too.

I think the more worried you are, and 'sad' that your future DIL might not be too keen on you being at the hospital while she has yet to deliver the placenta etc etc, the worse MIL you are going to be! Needy, over-sensitive, too easily hurt, pushing yourself forward, passive aggressive behaviour - those are the things that make the Mother, adult Son and DIL relationship so tricky.

I have DSs and I firmly believe that what will be, will be - I don't plan on revolving my life around them. Hopefully they, and their future partners will still enjoy spending time with me if I play my cards right though and don't behave like a total pain in the arse!!

ssd Aww try not to worry so much, you are clearly devoted to your sons and that won't be forgotten. You reap what you sow. Of course we can't control the future or control what other people do or feel - our children included. As you've seen on this tread, it can go any which way. But there's absolutely nothing to say you won't be in close contact with your sons, like many men mentioned on this thread.

There's a lot of generalisation going on. My DH calls his mum every day (she is on her own so she only really has him) and sees her every couple of weeks (we don't live in the same place) - most of the men in my family are close to their mums, and my dad and his brothers were very close to my gran. If you have a good relationship and bring your boys up to understand and respect you, I would hope that they would be the same.

It has certainly been true in my experience that men generally forget their mothers when they have a wife and their children from the first relationship when they have a second.

Having said that, I will risk the wrath of Mumsnet and say I find the wailing about presents, cards and the like a bit - pathetic (sorry.) I have a son and two daughters. I do not expect any of them to "spoil" me, to lavish me with gifts or to gather round in attendance. In fact, I don't want them to. I want them to be free to live their own lives in happiness and joy and freedom and I very much hope I will be a part of that life and provide support, friendship and wisdom in whatever form they need.

If DD/DS announce, "hey, Mum, I've got an amazing job offer in Canada!" I will be made up for them - because it's (I presume!) what THEY want!

I am very close to my DS now as we have much in common but I don't expect or want this to stay consistent. All they all need to know is I've got their back like no one else in the world, whatever is between their legs!

I try not to get too attached to ds (5) as I'm aware in a few short years he will be gone

Well he will be with that attitude!

. In my experience boys don't bother much with their families after they have a family of their own

Since I have always lived in mainly male households it is not my experience. My brothers are just as close to my mother, my husband is close to his family and I am seeing all my 3 sons on Sunday-their idea. My brother took my mother out to lunch last Sunday-just the 2 of them (SIL was working)

. And men and their mothers can't go out places together like mothers and daughters can. I'd go for coffee or to the cinema with my mom, I can't see a son doing the same really

Why ever not?! I had a day in London with just me and one son recently,I do it quite often with one or the other.

MN often strikes me as a parallel universe.

One thing is for sure-if you treat your 5 yr old like that you haven't a hope of seeing much of him when he is older or having coffee or a trip to the cinema-all perfectly normal!!

And I love being 'spoiled' although I wouldn't 'wail' if I wasn't!

I dont want/expect to be spoiled at all

and I hope my boys have interesting happy lives when they eventually settle down with someone else

but IME boys are hopeless and I just hope mine arent, as I know what someone needs when they are old and if family isnt about to supply it then things must be awful lonely.

Jesus, ssd - 'Ime boys are hopeless and I just hope mine arent'??? Can't you see the problem in this statement? Are you seriously writing off the emotional competence of half the human race? And do you not see how bringing up sons with this attitude is storing up problems?

And what on earth is all that about being old and lonely and needing things? Why the gloom? Did you have children in order to have company when you're old?

I have nothing in common with my MIL, but she's got an OK relationship with DH and the kids, DH skypes with her every week and she gets on well with her other two DILs. My own mother gets on better with SIL than she does with me and has a close relationship with DB.

I wanted Mum around after the kids were born because she took over the housework for a week or two so I could spend time with the new baby, MIL would expect me to entertain her. In the hospital I wanted no-one around except DH. I think some people forget that after a baby is born the mother can need looking after as well, especially if the birth has been difficult or she's establishing BFing. She has the right to restrict who she sees until she has recovered from the birth, and those who claim rights to 'see the baby' should remember they have years of getting to know the child to look forward to, there's a weird competitiveness about who sees the baby first that ignores the needs of the mother. And so often those trying to be in the front of the queue don't seem to care about seeing the child after a few months.

Haven't read all the posts but as can be expected there are posts about women who aren't close to their mothers and sons who adore their mothers etc etc.

I am 71 and the mother of 2 sons both in their 40s, married with their own families. I love my sons unconditionally and get on well with their wives and of course adore my grandchildren, but the older I get the more I wish I had a daughter. I was one of 3 girls and we supported our parents during the years when they were growing old. I'm not really thinking a daughter should support me in the same way, it's more that I feel a daughter would be more empathetic and supportive in that way, and yes that we would have trips out together. I can't imagine doing that with my sons, with their wives and kids yes, but not just me and my sons....No!

I was in the hospital waiting area recently and nearly everyone seemed to be in their mid 70s - late 80's/90's and I couldn't help but notice the number of daughters that were accompanying their elderly parent to the hospital appointment. In some cases both elderly parents were there, but also a daughter. I didn't see anyone with a son supporting them.

"what on earth is all that about" tapwater?? "why the gloom"??

have you had the experience of caring for your housebound mother then when your siblings visit once a year and tell you everything's fine? have you had to do everything for her, fight with the council, fight with the hospital, doctor, physio's just to get her the help she needs? and then after she has died, realise what her life would have been like for the past ten years if you hadnt been about to help her?

thats why I worry my boys forget me, I've seen old age and loneliness up close and it isnt nice.

I dont want my kids running their lives around me, but I dont want to end up alone with no one there to show me any love, which my mum would have done if I hadnt been there.

exactly nina, exactly.

My husband takes his mum to her hospital appointments. He rings her most days. I will admit she makes it clear it is what she expects but he doesn't disagree that she deserves this support. I enjoy her company and usually spend part of the weekend with her. She is a friend too not just my MIL.

You've behaved admirably towards your mother, ssd. But the fact that you have siblings that were far less involved means that the mere fact of having children is no guarantee of anything - or are you saying you supported your mother as you did because you're female? Are the less involved siblings brothers?

I have a son too, and, as an older mother, I'm putting in place as many plans as possible to make sure I remain independent for as much of my life as possible. Our family gets around - me and my siblings live in four different countries, and none of us lives in the one where my parents live - and there's no way I can assume my son will be around if I am elderly in poor health. I didn't have a child for that. He doesnt 'owe' me that.

DH never got on with his DM (complicated family!) so I was the one who maintained contact-we got on fine . She always used to say she was lucky in her DIL (polishes halo). DH adored my DM-a much more nuturing type . I think DM had a special place in her heart for DB (not that I ever felt she didn't love me ) but I was daddy's girl, so that was never an issue . DB (and my lovely SIL) were wonderful to my mum, especially after DF died (they did live closer-I was 120 miles away with young children) But my mum was such a lovely person it would have been hard not to love her/do your best for her. 'As you sow ,so shall you reap comes to mind ' .
I have only DDs so will never have to put to the test .But those of my friends who do have DSs do seem to feel they have a special bond.
I think its as much down to personalities as anything .
I am very close to my girls, but then so is their father

Nina, isn't the presence of so many daughters and no sons in the hospital waiting room in large part down to an ingrained, sexist cultural expectation that women do the unpaid, unrecognised caring work, whether it's looking after children or elderly or ill relatives, rather than some mystic bond with daughters?

And why on earth not see your sons alone?

tapwater, my siblings were a brother and sister so yes you are right, there's no guarantee of anything.

can I ask, what are you putting in place to help you when you are old? I struggle what to think of that I can do then, that doesn't involve money I dont have.

Good point,tapwater. It was usually me who took Ps:L to hospital appointments etc . But I was for a time SAHM and then worked pt . When DH became SAHD he did start doing more of it. Was just logistics in our case .

I'm afraid all the things I'm doing involve money, ssd. But I wasn't ever planning to have a child, so I was living life on the understanding that I would be looking after myself at whatever age, if I outlived my husband. Having a child hasn't changed that, and I tend to assume (based on my own experience and that of my friendship group) that people move around the world a fair bit, so I certainly wouldn't assume my son will necessarily be around, and that's more than fine with me.

It sounds to me as if geography is as much an issue as gender in the idea that adult children, ideally, are around to 'look after' their elderly or ill parents. I haven't lived in my home country for almost 22 years, and, as I said, my sisters and brother also live abroad.

We are a spread apart family and I didn't have children in the expectation that they would ferry me to hospital appointments. If I can't make my own way there then it's taxi or hospital transport. I'm hoping my husband will be around for a long time but there are also friends, carers and if needed residential homes. I don't expect my children to stay locally. If my dad wants me to look after him when he's older he'll have to move here as we both work.
I think loneliness is more down to personality than age. Some people don't have hobbies or socialise much and then wonder why they don't see anyone. With the internet and skype you can have an active social life even if housebound.
If either of my children choose to live near me and see me regularly that will be nice but I don't expect them to. I won't think they are neglecting their duty if they move away. One of the reasons I think women should work is so they can get a pension and not be dependent on family members.

Just in response to the opening post:

Blah blah blah

DON'T let other people's experiences worry you about your relationship with your children

DO try to understand that not all chidren are close to their parents and that is just how things are and it's not your fault, but you should be prepared for it as a possibility.

Not everyone (male or female) wants to talk to their mum all the time. That doesn't mean their mum was a bad mum. It's just a personality thing.

Oh dear it is hard to read this thread yet I can't stop, because this is one of my deep dark fears of the future. I've got two DSs, I love them more than anything and the way their faces light up when they haven't seen me for a few hours, I don't want that to ever end . I will be sad the day they are too cool to hang with Mum.

I hope I grow wise with age, can let go, and just be happy if they are happy. Oh and to be a good MIL one day - though I agree with previous posters, after reading all the MIL threads I am worried, it seems like such a fine line to tread between showing enough interest and being too involved. Although I guess you could be an overbearing mother to your daughter and your son in law could be whinging to his mates/on dadsnet!

This will be me! I was convinced ds was a girl when I was pregnant, and when the midwife said, "it's a boy!" Immediately I said "Oh God he's going to leave me!" Really!

I hope to God both my son and daughters live a happy and fulfilled life that doesn't involve taking their aged mother to hospital!

I hope my son does leave me. At the moment he wants to play music professionally. Or be a vet for exotic animals in Africa! Maybe he will and maybe he won't but either way it's a big world out there and I hope he finds a place in it where he wants to be. He'll always belong here but for love nor duty and I can live with that being one way.