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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

235 replies

ssd · 13/03/2015 17:30

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 19:09

We have the same, nooyearnoname. I am quite happy that she went to live near my brother and that she has a great relationship with SIL. It doesn't take anything away from my relationship with her.

AlpacaMyBag · 13/03/2015 19:09

ssd, my MIL was there when I gave birth. My mother wasn't (thank heavens).

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 13/03/2015 19:13

I do worry as mum of 2 boys but it is what it is. They are wonderful children and hopefully we will have a good relationship when they are adults.

I am not close to my mum at all, moved 100 miles away as soon as I could so I don't recognize that mum/ daughter relationship as something amazingly special at all.

I do worry I will always play second fiddle to my son's partner's mums but I hope I will be prepared for that.

I do think the threads on here about mum being welcome after the birth but MIL not are sad but I'm not sure Mn is reflective of rl completely. I welcomesd everyone after the birth of my children and I know both my siblings did too.

Feellikescrooge · 13/03/2015 19:16

Adored my mother, adored my MIL. I do actually think a lot of the problems are caused by girlfriends/DIL. Sadly many men go for the easy route and the woman you live with trumps the woman who brought you up. I hope my DS will always be in my life as I do my DDs. Only time will time but I am starting to reassess friendships when suddenly the new partner is devil woman!

TheBookofRuth · 13/03/2015 19:18

So sorry for your loss, Pensionerpeep.

BingBong36 · 13/03/2015 19:21

I have 2 DS aged 3 and 6 and I never had any concerns until I read things on the internet.

At the moment, my boys are my shadows abs give me so much love and attention I can never see that changing.

Re the sport; it's very easy to understand. My eldest is very into footie and I love watching him I find it v exciting.

My 2 brothers see my mum ALOT more than me and my youngest was there for her and was incredibly caring and understanding when she had a nervous breakdown he sat in the bedroom with her all night awake as she was having a very bad night. Where was I? At home with my husband.

It is more likely I feel for a women to move away to another city ir country for love. I have a few friends who have emmigrated to Australia to be with thier boyfriends!

Also, re my wedding, my MIL was far more involved than my own mother.

Try not to worry. X

FlankShaftMcWap · 13/03/2015 19:23

My MIL was with us for most of my labour with DS2, I would have loved her to stay till the end but she had to take DD3 elsewhere for the action bit. I talk to her most days and DH rings her often. We live 4 hours away by car but love travels

She's a good mum, and a wonderful grandma and it's a pleasure to have her in our lives, not a chore.

I don't think it's as common as is often thought for men to be distant from their mothers, thankfully as I have two sons and I can't bear the thought of being "forgotten" either.

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 19:29

I think it all comes from the fact that people air their problems if they have them and they don't mention good relationships. Most of my friends with sons appear to have good relationships with DIL and grandchildren.
I am involved with future DIL and the wedding-went to a dress trying on etc but I don't assume-happy to be asked.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/03/2015 19:32

My dses are 17, 19 and 21, and I promise you we are still very close, even though two of them are away at university. Ds3 just came I to the kitchen and gave me a completely unsolicited hug!

queencori · 13/03/2015 19:36

I haven't read the whole thread , I have two boys as well.
I work with older people in social services . It's my experience that sons are just as likely to be close to their parents as daughters.

derxa · 13/03/2015 19:36

I have 2 sons in their twenties who I adore. They live at home with with me and DH. I will be devastated when and IF they leave. Things are a bit too cosy!!! Luckily I love watching sport on TV and love it when we all watch football together

Mehitabel6 · 13/03/2015 19:39

My eldest is 34yrs. They all live away from home. The relationships have not changed.

Tapwater · 13/03/2015 19:41

This 'a daughter's a daughter for life, a son's a son until he takes a wife' is ridiculous, anachronistic, sexist nonsense only believed by people who have weirdly essentialist views about gender. Probably the same people who wag their heads about how all-female workplaces can never function harmoniously, and do those 'humorous' eye-rollings about male emotional incompetence.

If you bring up a son and daughter with the expectation that the daughter is expected to maintain a special life long relationship with her mother, while the son's emotional centre is viewed as Sport, Emotional Illiteracy and Grunting until he acquires a significant other who will do the emotional work of the relationship and occasionally nag him into phoning the 'rents, then that's what you're going to get. Stop expecting less from boys and men and put this hoary stereotype to bed.

Ragwort · 13/03/2015 19:45

I am having such battles with my Mother, i am just pleased to have 3 boys and I want to build a less intense relationship.

I tend to agree with that statement, I have friends who have daughters and the relationship can be so intense .......... my DM is not particularly demanding and we have a good friendship but neither of us sees the need to be 'number 1' in each other's lives.

I look forward to my DS growing up and leading an independent life, I certainly don't expect to meet up with him every week or anything like that - my siblings and I all left our home towns when we finished education and I would expect my DS to do the same.

Pyjamasandwine · 13/03/2015 19:49

My dss are in their twenties and we are very close. I love their girlfriends and we are all close as are my teen dds.

My mil was ace.

Lot closer to her than my dm or dsis.

Meow75 · 13/03/2015 19:50

Are you kidding me?!?!?!

How many threads do we see with grown men overly attached to their mothers, treating their family that they have created like second class citizens because they're scared of upsetting their mothers?!?!?!

No offence, OP, and I hope it doesn't happen to you to the point where you are made sad but isn't always said that the sign of successful parenting is creating independent adults?

I guess the key is making them independent but not thoughtless or cruel.

As a contrast my DH, his parents only son feels somewhat abandoned because his parents have moved out to Lanzarote upon retirement, as that is where their two daughters, one older than DH and one younger, and their DGS live.

But he accepts that it is his parents' (and sisters') right to live wherever they want.

Sparklingbrook · 13/03/2015 19:50

I want my two DSs to grow up and leave home and meet someone to share their lives with.
They may decide to emigrate to Australia, but they need to do what they need to do.
I will be here for them.

serin · 13/03/2015 19:55

I don't really get this worry at all.

We have 2 teen boys that we love dearly but I want them to be free and independent of us when they (hopefully) leave for uni at 18. Well we will be paying the finances of course!

The last thing I ever want is for them to feel that they have too look out for me in some way.

I have a lovely DH, who I fully intend spending some quality time with and if God forbid anything happens to him then I am master of my own destiny.

I have so many plans for the future, none of them particularly involve my kids.

We also have a daughter who we also love dearly but I don't treat her any differently from the boys and would certainly not want her to be beholden to me.

Get out there and get on with your life is the motto we will be teaching them.

TopazRocks · 13/03/2015 19:56

My 4 sons are quite grown up and we all get on. The two who don't live here now are still close, keep in touch, texts and the odd phone call, and often they seem to be available if the rest of us are in the town they live in, and especially if food is on offer. We have similar sense of humour, we all read and are interested in history and politics, etc. For example, in last 24 hours there's been text chat about Terry Pratchett, before that some piss-taking about FracasJeremy and his troubles. One son had a long term GF for about 3 years - she was part of the team too, and I miss her since they split. DH was close to his mum - she lived hundreds of miles away. She liked all 3 of her DILS which did help no doubt.My brother was close to our mum, more than me in fact.It's all just life really. It's not about whether the parent or child is a boy or a girl. I don't think I'd want to live in anyone's pocket, but I think we have the right balance.

Hannahabbott · 13/03/2015 19:59

I have two dds and have the same fears as the op. I don't think it's unique to boys.

Salmotrutta · 13/03/2015 20:00

I have a DS and grew up in a house of brothers (I'm the only daughter).

My son gets on better with me than he does with DH (although he still gets on well with him!) but he keeps us in the loop.

Mind you, there isn't an evil DIL on the scene ...yet

Salmotrutta · 13/03/2015 20:02

Oops, and meant to say, my mum/parents are not kept at arms length by my brothers.
They phone and visit as regularly as possible!

sophie150 · 13/03/2015 20:04

I'm not very close to my mum. Before I had ds I could go a few weeks without seeing her. My brother calls her every night to chat. I don't think there's any trend either way

Ragwort · 13/03/2015 20:04

I have so many plans for the future, none of them particularly involve my kids - I agree with that statement, I am really looking forward to the next stage of my life, when DS has left home and is independent, there is so much I want to get on with - in some ways I feel my life has been 'on hold' whilst I am bringing up my DC.

Just simple things like visiting a National Trust place - yes of course you can take you children but first there's the years of having to do the 'childrens' quiz' and the outdoor play area ............. then there's having a grumpy teenager skulking around, too embarrassed to be seen with you. . Recently DS was away and DH and I were able to spend 6 hours looking round an historic castle - it was great !

ClockwiseCat · 13/03/2015 20:12

Bring your sons up to be good men and they will pair up with good women. And I am closer to my MIL than I am to my mother since we had DC.

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