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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

235 replies

ssd · 13/03/2015 17:30

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 16/03/2015 07:48

I'm getting a bit fed up here, hairy and mehitabel. You both seem hell bent on thinking I only had kids to have company in old age, or someone to wipe my bum and rush to my bedside. Nothing could be further from the truth. My views come from my experience of watching my mum age and pass away, alone. Nothing else. If that experience hasn't happened to you yet or you have no contact with your parents that's fine, but please stop commenting here as though you understand how I feel. Your experience of life so far isn't the same as mine. I appreciate your comments and I know I'm generalising as I said before, but it feels like you are both ignoring any of my further posts explaining why I feel as I do.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 16/03/2015 08:13

My experience is very like yours, ssd - I have close experience of 9 family members who have reached 90+( some with dementia). As my FIL ( over 100yrs) used to say 'old age isn't for sissies'. I know how hard it is. I also have friends run ragged by parents 90+.
This is precisely why I keep going on about it and why this thread makes me think that talking to my sons hasn't been enough and I will put something it writing. They are not to be responsible for my day to day care- the thought that they might feel they have to scares me rigid. I want them to have freedom - to emigrate to New Zealand or whatever.

Mehitabel6 · 16/03/2015 08:14

And is has happened to me- I am off to a 96yr old's funeral this week. He really died as a person 8 yrs ago.

Floisme · 16/03/2015 08:19

It's really not helpful to keep telling someone not to worry when they clearly already are! I never used to worry about old age either until I saw my mum go downhill. The problem is, a lot of us won't 'just go' and refusing to even think about it is partly (in my opinion) why some old people have such a needlessly distressing time.

Mehitabel6 · 16/03/2015 08:23

The reason that I worry about it is that I am already over 60yrs - I had my children late in life and no way am I handicapping them.
(There is no point in worrying- you will all get to old age- unless you have the worse alternative if dying young!)

Original poster
ssd · 16/03/2015 09:58

thats fair enough mehitabel, I can see where you're coming from... and sorry you are going to a funeral Thanks.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/03/2015 10:33

I think a lot of people say that 'I don't expect my children to look after me in my old age' but none of us can really know what the future holds.

My DGM was fiesty and independent for many years and would constantly say 'just give me a pill when I start losing it'. Of course we wouldn't have done that but I know my DM had some very stressful years caring for her when she did start 'losing it' - not having her at home but just sorting out suitable carers and then residential accommodation - and it was hard then (15 years ago) and is undoubtedly much, much harder nowadays.

I can see the same situation happening now that my parents are reaching their mid 80s ................ I am sure my DPs don't 'expect' me to look after them but the reality is that I probably will. Social care for the elderly is shockingly underfunded and under resourced.

CunningCat · 16/03/2015 11:20

I get where you're coming from op. I'm one of four. My sister and brother don't live near my mum, my other brother and I do and I am responsible for meeting all my mums needs, however, I also have 4 DC's and work, so when the time comes I will not be able to care for her full time (unless I win lottery!). Sometimes I feel like an only child and if I ask for help all I get is can't you sort it! I feel that as I'm the eldest daughter I have to take the responsibility. I really don't mind, but some support would be nice. However, my dp is very attentive to his mums needs.

FlabbyMummy · 16/03/2015 11:33

My DH and two of his three brothers are not close to his Mum, they go months without even calling. It's the youngest Son that is closer to both his parents.

On paper this looks odd but there is a huge age gap between the oldest three and the youngest, the youngest got a lot of attention growing up compared to oldest three (who were born very close together and pretty much dumped in front of the TV or given a football to play with between them). So my theory is that you reap what you sow and I am sure that your Boys will be brought up to love you and to stay in touch with you.

Rebecca2014 · 17/03/2015 06:30

I say the key is to get on with the dil. My sbeh did not like my family and they didn't like him either! But I separated them and I still saw my parents. Now if that was a man...his wife would demand he put her first and limit contact with his family. You see it all the time on here and real life.

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