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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

235 replies

ssd · 13/03/2015 17:30

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

OP posts:
BingBong36 · 14/03/2015 06:49

ssd. Why exactly are boys useless??

My husband does LOADs for his mum and dad he is an amazing son.

My boys are not useless either!!

You are being ridiculous.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 07:05

I read this thread with incredulity! I think that you get what you wish for! If you assume at birth that boys are useless and boys will leave you and so you need to detach at 5 yrs then they surely will. Equally if you assume that your DD will be your friend for life you can be disappointed.
Have you not realised that all the women at hospital appointments are there because it is generally women who do the caring? You could look at my mother in the waiting room and think 'lucky thing to have a DD' - but she is there with her DIL. Actually before she moved it was her nephew who took her- because he was the one local. As her DD I am 200 miles away and never do appointments. My SIL sees her about 3/4 times a week.
I have actually told my DSs that they are not responsible for me in my old age and I would have said the same had they been DDs. I want them to be free to do whatever they want- emigrate to New Zealand if that is what they wish. Having said that the cousin mentioned has a DD in New Zealand who isn't likely to have children and it is the DS who lives up the road and has 2 DCs that they see regularly and babysit.
This whole thread is an utter nonsense - it is to do do with personality and geography and not gender.

Tinyoatfraise · 14/03/2015 07:06

I hope my sons want to talk to me and share parts of their lives when they are older, but my biggests happiness will come from them making good relationships with others.

I feel exactl Ike this about my two dds. I have a db who is not at all close to my dp but this wasn't always so. We all live a few hours away from each other and mostly just get on with our lives.

I feel that my job as a mum is to teach my dd to cope with life and it's twists and turns without being beaten by it easily. Also, of course to fulfill their potential etc.

Op, I do think as your boys grow up you will feel less dependant on their 'closenenss'. Do you work or have any other things in your life that bring you fun and happiness? I hope you do and that's ou can let go of your worry as we cannot and should not 'hold on' to people in a way that we make them responsible for our well-being, least of all our dc, it breeds resentment and guilt in them.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 07:12

Don't bring up your boys to be useless! They are just as capable of cooking a meal,washing up, sewing on a button etc as a girl. My elderly mother has 6 grandsons- they are all very caring and all they all visit her on their own without being asked. Geography plays the big part- 2 see her regularly and the others when they are in the area. They often take girlfriends with them.
People seem to miss the fact that they are not losing anything- they are gaining if they get DILs and , contrary to MN expectations, a DIL can be a wonderful addition to your family!

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/03/2015 07:18

The relief I experienced when I had my daughter.

I love my children equally, no doubt about that.

However I knew that most daughters turn to their mothers when they have children, and the woman's mother seem to be so much more involved with the grandchildren than the man'so children.

Backtobedlam · 14/03/2015 07:23

I'd read the mil threads and take note. If you're a good person, not overbearing and controlling there is no reason to be excluded by future dil's. I have friends who have awful relationships with their own mothers but are very close to mil and also people for who it's the other way around. I really think you reap what you sow, and the most important thing is to be supportive but not pushy, whether you have an adult son or an adult daughter.

turquoiseamethyst · 14/03/2015 07:30

To be fair back it isn't always as straightforward as 'good mil = good dil' any more than the reverse is true!

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 07:31

What a peculiar statement Enjoyingmycoffee- you obviously haven't read all the threads where people have problems with their mothers! Have you not thought that your DD may marry an Australian and not be around for all this involvement. At the very least she is likely to be at least an hour's journey away. She may marry a man who doesn't want much to do with you.
You are placing a lot of faith in gender when it is one tiny facet.

Moniker1 · 14/03/2015 07:37

My DS is very close to me (though he is now grown up and living and working away). He is my youngest and so it was often just us two as DF worked away a lot, once DD had left home.

My DD is more dismissive of my views/ company. Though I get on well with them both.

It prob depends mostly on temperament.

Having babies is only something you can share with DDs.

Backtobedlam · 14/03/2015 07:41

Not necessarily in every case, but generally I think upbringing does influence choice of partner. A lot of couples share morals/ideals, or have similar backgrounds, although obviously not always. I suppose I'm also thinking of a few cases I know personally which has possibly skewed my opinion a bit.

Stinkersmum · 14/03/2015 07:41

My brother is incredibly close to my mum. Stop worrying.

Holepunch · 14/03/2015 07:51

I find very close relationships between adult children and their parents a bit freaky. I hope my boys will stay in touch and turn up for dinner on special occasions. I hope they'll know we're always here when needed and that I'm allowed to be a reasonably involved grandparent should GC happen, but adults (male or female) who need to be in constant contact with their parents seem somehow "unfinished" to me.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/03/2015 07:51

Mehita.... It might seem peculiar to you. But goodness knows why.

In many many cases, a woman turns to her mother. Not her mil. And the fact is, it's the woman who is pregnant, the woman on maternity leave for a year, and the woman in charge of organising childcare. That's the reality.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/03/2015 07:52

Mothers tend to be nor involved in the minutia of their grandchildren's lives. And that appeals to me.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/03/2015 07:53

Nor should read more.

bakingaddict · 14/03/2015 07:56

My DH is closer to his mum than his sister is. Nobody in the family sees his sister that much even though she lives less than 10 minutes away from us, we see her a couple of times a year. She just likes to get on with her own life

I think it upsets his mum too as there is this idea that all mothers and daughters have this incredible bond but I don't have this with my mum and my MIL doesn't have it with SIL

parallax80 · 14/03/2015 07:57

Hopefully I won't bring up my boys in such a way that they assume the maternity leave (instead of additional paternity leave or other flexible working) and childcare are women's responsibilities. (Though I may be too optimistic because DH and I split childcare happily and if we could live off fresh air would probably both stay at home!)

parallax80 · 14/03/2015 07:59

Format fail! Everything probably this is one that falls down to personal preference - I personally would find it claustrophobic if my mother or MiL wanted to be involved in the minutiae of my kids lives. Your daughter may feel similarly. Or she might not, but you can't guarantee that she would accept it because it appeals to you.

parallax80 · 14/03/2015 08:00

Enjoying, I mean. blimey that's me off for now before my phone messes up even more.

Bananabix · 14/03/2015 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 08:09

I am very thankful that my mother didn't want to be involved in the births! Or want this smothering relationship that some of you seem to be hoping for. You will have to make a huge effort to get in with your son in laws or it won't happen!
I think that many of you are posting with small children- making huge assumptions of how they will turn out and how life will be. I at least have got 3 adult sons- the eldest being 34yrs and it is lovely. I wouldn't swap them and the bonus is that you often are lucky enough to get DIL and so don't 'miss out' if that is how you view it.

Bananabix · 14/03/2015 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooyearnooname · 14/03/2015 08:14

I hate this 'my DD will look after me when I get old' expectation! I have this with my own mother (in good health so not an issue yet), and despite our relationship not being that close she has made it clear she expects exactly that. The message I'm getting is a) I had children so someone would look after me in my old age, and b) it's your job because you're female and you have no children (that has actually been said) I've made it clear that I won't be fulfilling those expectations so she's given my brother the job instead, with a lot of huffing and snarkiness about duties to mothers, is that how little you think of the woman that gave birth to you etc.

I find it incredibly selfish and very sexist. Ironically my mum would now love to have the special mother / daughter bond that PPs have talked about but it's never really been there and I suspect the reason it's suddenly become so important to her is because she's wanting support in her old age and panicking about where it's going to come from.

If I do ever have children I hope I'm nothing like that! All I can say from the position of being a child is that if as a parent you put enough love and effort in the bank when your children are growing up, there should be enough there for you to take some out when you get older. If you don't put enough in, don't expect to be offered an overdraft!!

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 08:15

I agree that you reap what you sow.
If you always have open house' your children can't tell which grandparents are father's or mothers parents until explained- both lots are friends - you see ILs on your own and take pleasure in it then your DCs will see it as the norm. Welcome all friends and girlfriends.
Above all- don't have huge expectations - they will most likely be doomed to disappointment.

Mehitabel6 · 14/03/2015 08:22

Women seem to be their own worst enemies! They want equality and yet there is the massive assumption that their DD will live close enough, and have time, to look after them in their old age!