To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

[ssd]

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

Thank you JT I'm sorry that you were treated badly.

We try very hard to treat both sets of parents equally although it's not always easy to find a balance that suits everyone.

Very early in in our marriage my DH said (wisely) "don't ask me to choose between you and my Mum, I'll choose you, but don't ask me to"

We've been married a long time and that has always stuck with me. There's give and take required in all things.

My in laws are lovely and adore my DCs. We don't always agree on the best way to do things but it's how you manage those occasions that matters.

My DH does the same with my DPs who I'm very close to.

Mum to a son here too. Can't imagine myself in the role of evil MIL however I think in a lot of DIL threads on here the DILs behave like complete anchors so that could be very telling of my MIL status...

Although there's some poor soul on here counting teen sperm covered tissues so that's evened things up a bit.

I'd be delighted if my boys meet women they love and who love them back, I dont want to be first then, I dont mind if weddings are arranged without me knowing all the details and I dont mind not being there when the babies are born

I want to still be in their lives, in the background and let them live their lives with their own families

I just dont want to be forgotten, ever. I love them too much.

I worry about it too. Am hoping that I will treat all my children equally, regardless of their gender. That they will visit regularly because they want to, not out of a sense of duty.

I hope I am the kind of mil my mum is. One who gives equal time and energy to her son and daughter and to each of her grandchildren. Who has a good relationship with her daughter in law, and is asked by her for cookery lessons.

Not a mil like my mil. Who devotes her time and attention to her daughter and her kids at the expense of her son and his kids (even though they live closer). Because 'the mother daughter bond is so strong and you have your mum for these things'.

My DH was close to his mum, she's dead now unfortunately.

I don't really like my mum, my dad is a much nicer person. He is always shoving us together though, I think there is an idea about the dutiful daughter in there somewhere. My brother is close to my mum, though.

I think a lot of this is stereotype isn't it? And there is stuff in there around male/female roles as well.

Dh would like to be close to his mum, but she only has eyes for her daughter

My mum can't get rid of my brother. He is still living in her house at 48! I left home at 18.

I'm not close to my Mum at all. I see and speak to Mil several times a week, and she's always here helping out with something or other. She was the first person (aside from DH, me and the midwife) to meet DS2, she is a huge part of our lives. We rub each other up the wrong way at times but DH is incredibly close to her, and so are the DC's as a result.

I don't think it depends on gender, necessarily, as SIL isn't close to MIL at all. I'm hopeful that the DC's will always want us in their lives; we're good (ish) parents, we have a great little family unit, I think I'd be heartbroken to only communicate with them every few months.

Gals - if you have a good relationship with your boys, you'll be fine. You might actually never get rid of them.

My brother is much closer to my mum than I am... my dad was a mummy's boy...

I've got a weird family.

I am not close to my mother. I'm not a touchy feely sort, she is and I don't like it. We are not similar people and do not have similar interests. My brother is in touch with her far more regularly, as is my sister. It is nothing to do with male/female but all to do with respective personalities.

I understand those fears. I'm an only child, but my mum's brothers only ever made "duty" visits and calls to my grandma, and DH wouldn't speak to or see his mum more than about twice a year if it weren't for my prodding. No reason for it, he loves her, he enjoys her company when he sees her, but he rarely seems to think about her.

I have a baby son. At the moment he looks at me like I hung the moon, and I dread the day when that stops. Suppose I'll just have to hope he eventually settle down with someone who will occasionally chuck his phone at him and say "for god's sake, call your mother, she misses you!"

I have two boys. Well men, now. One is married. We see them every week, sometimes more than once and usually when they need some help
The other one is further away and more involved with his own life than ours. As it should be.

I think my son and I will always have a bond but I wouldn't be surprised if he moves to the other side of the world. He's independent and keen to experience life and gets some of that from his dad and I. I don't think they are bad things to pass on to your kids.
I'm sure we'll stay in touch but suspect there will be more virtual contact than visits.
That's OK. He'll always know where I am if he wants me.

My eldest brother is quite crap with my mum - he needs reminding to ring her, his wife sorts out presents and cards and he doesn't do very much with her off his own back at all. My other brother is much more conscientious and will do things of his own back and is very considerate of her.

It is usually me who organises things like what we're doing on Mother's Day/her birthday. Db2 will come up with suggestions, db1 will just turn up.

Dh on the other hand is very close to his mum, speaks every other day and is very close. He's close to his dad too, but gets on particularly well with his mum.

I really don't think its a gender thing. Admittedly I probably on paper appear to be closer to DH's family - I certainky spend more time with then, when perhaps you would expect it to be the other way round.

I'm v close to my mum and closer to my MIL than my husband. My brother sees a lot of my dad but less of my mum.

I also have 3 boys and I worry about this too.

I'm also quite aware that men, generally, don't like me. And my dad and my grandad were never very interested in me. My husband likes me (!) so I hope my sons grow up like him.

I am having such battles with my Mother, i am just pleased to have 3 boys and I want to build a less intense relationship

I'm sad reading your thread ssd because I think it's a truism somehow. :(

My mum did everything for my bothers, absolutely everything (I have 3, all younger). They haven't forgotten her as such but she's very low down on their list of priorities. She has expectations that they will never fulfil, even basic ones. They come to her when they want something.

The rest of the time it's just me... little old me, her only daughter. She doesn't want me because I'm always around, always doing stuff... she wants her boys and I can't make up for that. I'm sad about it because it doesn't matter how much I try to 'fill in' for four children, I can't.

She's told me that she now hates Mothers Day, doesn't want a card or a visit or anything... I've always done stuff for her but she doesn't want it anymore. I used to chivvy my brothers into doing Mothers Day and her birthday and she made me stop because 'it didn't count'. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Sorry for the hijack, this really struck painful chord with me.

You can't regulate for relationships- and that fact that you are the one to give birth to a DD certainly doesn't guarantee a good relationship. It is down to lots of factors-as is every other relationship.

My mum has recently been widowed and now wants to live much closer to one of me and DB (we live nowhere near each other). I'm very wary of the situation for various reasons and have made it quite clear to her that she won't see that much of me even if she's next door. DB cannot wait to have her nearer and has hung out the welcome bunting already! I really don't think it's a male / female thing, it's a personality thing. My ex also worshipped the ground his mum walked on and was adamant she would have to come and live with us if anything happened to his dad. Don't worry OP!

Forgot to say, my relationship with my mum isn't great. She's too needy and will sit and cry at home on Mothers' Day, I know it.