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Original poster

To be truly scared my boys wont be that close to me when they grow up.

235 replies

ssd · 13/03/2015 17:30

the opening lines of todays blog of the day

"Now that I don't know how she doesn't do it is a mother herself, she truly appreciates the friendship and understanding that can exist between mother and daughter"

I dont have girls, I have boys. I love them with all my heart. I adore them. I dont understand their passion for their sport or the team they love and share with dh. I watch them play every week and still have no idea what its all about. But I do it as it makes them happy to see me and thats all I'm about.

BUT I have seen what my brother was like with my mum. He is a good man but mum came way down his list of priorities. He often didnt visit for years at a time.

It utterly terrifies me to think this may be my future. I took care of mum till she died, I shudder to think of her life if I hadnt lived 20 mins away and seen her every week.

Please god, dont let me be my mum without me.

OP posts:
fufulina · 13/03/2015 20:13

My older DB disappeared from our lives, and my DM totally blames my SIL. Which is totally unfair - if he wanted to be in touch, he would be. But mum can't bear it when I say that, because it's less painful to blame the DIL for lack of contact.

I see it in my relationship as well - I have given up reminding DH about birthday cards/gifts for his DM. He just CBA. And I'm not going to do it for him - I do everything else! But I think she blames me - again, because it's easier than accepting that her DS just can't be bothered.

Roobo · 13/03/2015 20:13

I have one DD and one DS, aged 2 and under.

I hope they grow up to meet equally wonderful partners who make them happy. Wherever their lives take them is fine by me (I'll just sob in private Wink)

I think the problems arise when you start to see your DC's partners as competition. Even reading this thread you can hear it coming through.

My MIL sees me as the person responsible for how much (or little) she sees DH and the kids. I'm not sure why. My Mum would never ring DH and complain that she hadn't seen us, but for some reason DILs carry this burden.

All these poor men who need 'reminding' to call their own parents Confused

Tapwater · 13/03/2015 20:23

Fufulina and Roobo, yes - the emotional work of relationships gets 'delegated' to women in general, in this case DILs, who get the blame for their partner not keeping up a relationship with his parents, even though it makes no sense. He's the one who grew up in this family, and he is, presumably at liberty to make up his own mind about what kind of relationship to have with his parents - why not assume that the lack of contact, if there is little, is his decision?

And yes to Ragwort's non-child-centric plans for the future. I haven't lived in the same country as my parents in well over 20 years. My own son, now almost three, may well become a Buddhist monk in Montana, or run a bar in Thailand. I certainly have no expectation he'll be living down the street dancing attention on me.

CocobearSqueeze · 13/03/2015 20:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

QueenFuri · 13/03/2015 20:36

I agree I have two sons and both my DB and DP don't bother their bums with their mothers. My brother was very close to my mum before he met my SIL now she hasn't seen my brother since Christmas. My mum is housebound so can't visit him she also hasn't seen her granddaughter since then. I would hate for my boys to forget me if my mum didn't have me she would be stuck in a home somewhere at 55 Sad.

QueenFuri · 13/03/2015 20:38

In DP's case I have given up telling him to go see his mum he wouldn't even go visit her in hospital. It makes me so mad that is your mother fgs! But of course his family blame me for this Hmm.

TooManyMochas · 13/03/2015 20:55

I always pop up on these kind of threads to say that a lot of this is just cultural conditioning. I'm Irish and stereotypically in Ireland the mother / son bond is the biggy. I do wonder if the British assumption that mothers and sons won't be close becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy though. Do some mothers subconsciously distance themselves a little from their sons early on because 'of course mothers & sons aren't close'? Sad

CocobearSqueeze · 13/03/2015 20:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

squoosh · 13/03/2015 20:58

God yes, so many Irish men are still attached to their mammy by the umbilical cord.

Girl33 · 13/03/2015 21:03

I don't mind being the MIL that my son's wife doesn't want soon after the birth. I'm not her mother, that's her private time. I get it. What I'm really afraid of is my son's wife's good nature being the only reason he bothers with me, ie. buying the birthday presents, making sure he calls and visits me. I just hope he wants to all on his own.

BabyGanoush · 13/03/2015 21:11

I am going in with low expectations, set them free, and keep having an interesting life yourself, if they'll come they'll come, if they don't want to I will lee in touch but not put pressure on.

If ever sickness or il health would strike, I would not expect or demand my children care for me.

Let's how this'll work out in reality, but really, this is who I want to be.

I want to be a mad bad old lady with various rescue dogs, still working part time, who goes to the pub with her friends a lot. This is future-me Wink, if I may.

Notmymuse · 13/03/2015 21:19

I try not to get too attached to ds (5) as I'm aware in a few short years he will be gone. In my experience boys don't bother much with their families after they have a family of their own. And men and their mothers can't go out places together like mothers and daughters can. I'd go for coffee or to the cinema with my mom, I can't see a son doing the same really.

Unshoor · 13/03/2015 21:22

On the basis of my brothers and husband I cried coming home from the doctors after being told I was having a boy!! And also because I thought: he's going to grow up and marry a witch like me (my MIL channeling through me!). He has not been bothered one way or another about me from day one - adores his dad though. I'm already prepared.

MillieV · 13/03/2015 21:24

Notmymuse My brother (26) goes to the cinema with my mum!! If he has watched the movie with friends, he'll watch it again! Wink

TheFairyCaravan · 13/03/2015 21:25

I've got 2 sons, aged 20&18. We are really, really close.

DS1 has joined the army but still comes home most weekends. He phones, texts and Snapchats during the week, too. I send him texts but don't badger him because I appreciate he is busy and if he hasn't contacted me it's not because he doesn't want to its because he can't.

DS2 is going to uni in September . He says I am his best friend. I can't see him not coming home when he needs his washing done when he wants a home cooked meal or a comfy bed and some peace and quiet.

We are a really close knit family, much closer than my family was, and I think that will play a part on how often they do/don't come back on the future.

I don't see my parents any more (my choice I was fed up of being hurt) DH rarely sees his parents because they hold the view that girls need more support so are always doing things for his sisters.

Dawndonnaagain · 13/03/2015 21:26

My middle son has just been picked up from the station today by his big brother. They strolled in here a couple of hours ago because it's mothers day this weekend.
Grin

PS. I also have two dds, they both still live at home, they're in sixth form.

BingBong36 · 13/03/2015 21:28

Notmuse.. That is v sad to hear
that you don't want to get too attached to your 5 year old? If anything you are going to push the poor boy away.

Blamenargles · 13/03/2015 21:29

I'm a mum of 2 boys and I hope I'm like my MIL.

My mum is useless not close to her at all (close to my dad tho) I could go weeks without speaking to her, don't tell her anything important.
But I speak to my MIL at least once a week on the phone see her every weekend and really enjoy spending time with her. My DP and BIL dote on her they call her all the time and see her all the time.
She's so good with my boys. I would truly be lost without her.
I just hope that I have the same relationship with DCs.

Tapwater · 13/03/2015 21:32

NotmyMuse's post is exactly the kind of cultural conditioning TooManyMochas points out. Can people not see this is a very depressing self-fulfilling prophecy???

TheFairyCaravan · 13/03/2015 21:34

Smile Dawn that's lovely.

A couple of weeks ago it was my birthday. The day before DS1 phoned and said "mum, prepare my bed I'm coming home". He'd booked leave because he'd finished work for the week and knew nothing would make me happier than having both my boys at home for my birthday. He was right. He can't come home for Mother's Day though.

Notmymuse plese don't be put off getting attached to your son. I go out with DS2. A couple of weeks ago he and I went away for the weekend together. I have never done that with my mum. I couldn't be closer to any daughter than I am to my sons.

BabyGanoush · 13/03/2015 21:35

I was thinking just yet.

Am very close to my 12 yr old Ds

I accept there are no guarantees, but I am enjoying it right here right now.

Tapwater · 13/03/2015 21:37

And I'm laughing at mothers and sons not being able to do things together. Is anyone actually that sexually essentialist in 2015? Do mothers and daughters sit giggling over manicures while fathers and sons grunt over football, and never the twain shall meet?

What a weird universe.

mummylin2495 · 13/03/2015 21:38

ssd you are a very close family and you do support them in the sport that they love as we have spoken many times about it. Please don't worry, I am still very close to my ds, luckily my dil too. I see my dd and my ds every week and some weeks ds pops in a few times on his way home if he is working near me. My ds has a ds too and we also have a very close relationship.

Failedspinster · 13/03/2015 21:39

I worry about this myself.

But....I have two brothers, one of whom is closer to my mum than I am - and I am very close to her. My aunt has two sons who are incredibly close to her. DH is an only child and he couldn't do enough for his mum. So i know it's not true.

It doesn't stop me worrying about it though. My boys are daddy's boys and I often feel a bit isolated in the house.

AGirlCalledBoB · 13/03/2015 21:39

My brother is close to our mum but he is the only boy with two older sisters so he is the baby as well. He is a right mummy's boy, so i think he will always be around.

My oh on the other hand is not close to his mother at all, so I don't think you can know either way. Just hope for the best.

I have a son and I like to think he will remain close to me.