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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd deal with this?

185 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 16:49

I'm really surprised as DS (8) has been in trouble today. This has never happened before. He was really rude to the TA and then stroppy with his teacher when she reprimanded him. He lost his play as a result and I am completely supportive of this.

DS is normally LOVELY (I know, biased much) but honestly he is the nicest boy as a rule and his teacher did say how out of character it was.

I recently told my husband to leave so it doesn't take a genius to work out it's obviously really upset DS but at the same time I don't want him to think it's acceptable to be rude or unpleasant to people.

Any advice? Sad Blush

OP posts:
IreneA78 · 09/03/2015 16:52

School have dealt with it.Move on!

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 16:53

I'm not having a child of mine being rude to adults Irene - sorry. I don't want to punish DS but it is really out of character and indicative of a bigger problem.

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 09/03/2015 16:54
  1. Make sure school know about your H leaving
  2. You could consider getting him to write a sorry note
  3. Is your DS getting any support at this difficult time?
  4. I'm sure you are, but give your DS lots of opportunity to talk about how he is feeling
ohbollocks2u · 09/03/2015 16:55

Don't beat yourself up over it

It's happened , he has been punished , end of

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 16:58

I'm not beating myself up; I just am not having a bratty kid! He told the (lovely!) TA to "shut up" Shock - he's EIGHT. I'm not just treating that as if it's nothing/no big deal as it IS!

Teen thank you :) they do know, his teacher did acknowledge this. I'm going to make sure he writes a note of apology and buys something small to say sorry; I know he doesn't need to but I hope he will want to.

He isn't getting any real support per se other than from me - he is the much-oldest and I know his life must feel like it's been ripped out from under him Sad I do feel awful about this.

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 09/03/2015 17:02

I think that maybe you could approach the school to see if they have an ELSA who could do some work with him on feelings etc.

I wouldn't crack down too hard on him (though it's great to see a parent clearly supporting the school) as he is obviously upset and will probably have been just as shocked as the adults when he told them to shut up.

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 17:02

I would talk it through with him, perhaps at bedtime when he's calm and relaxed. Not to attack him for doing something wrong, but to talk about it and see if there's any particular reason why he was rude or played up. I don't punish at home for stuff that's been dealt with at school (with the exception of lying or bullying, which, touch wood we've not had yet) so maybe explain that he's not in trouble, but that you'd like to understand and help if you can.

It could be something as simple as a terrible night's sleep that made him narky, or he could be trying to impress peers, or he could just be feeling the after-effects of the break-up. Listening without bollocking is a really hard trick, one that's taken me ages to learn. But it does help.

mommy2ash · 09/03/2015 17:03

I wouldn't buy anything that might make the ta feel uncomfortable it's a bit over the top. he didn't behave well and was punished. just reinforce what the school says but don't make it a bigger deal than It needs to ae that can often backfire

ilovesooty · 09/03/2015 17:04

I don't think he needs to buy anything but the apology note would be nice if he does want to say sorry.

He's a bright little boy and perhaps you can sit with him and just say that you know things are hard just now but you and he both know that you don't talk to people like that.
Then give him a hug and start again tomorrow.

corlan · 09/03/2015 17:05

Please don't get the TA a present - I think that would embarrass her (I'm an ex Ta) . Saying sorry is enough - all children have their moments and your son is going through a hard time. Draw a line under it and move forward.

PesoPenguin · 09/03/2015 17:07

I think an apology letter is all that's needed here. I suspect he's already thought it through and feels bad about it.

NancyRaygun · 09/03/2015 17:08

I think it might be best to not labour the point about this. I am NOT saying it is not important, but rather that the school have dealt with it, it is out of character but completely understandable because of the break up.

Imagine how much he is holding it together, he must be under strain as I am sure you are.

Personally I would say that you should have a calm chat with him about it and then say that you are going to draw a line under it, say no more about it, but that if he feels himself getting angry and frustrated he can talk to you. It is up to him whether to apologise or not but you hope he will and you love him and support him.

You don't want him to shut down - and although its not good to be so rude this is relatively mild in the scheme of things.

TheNothingGirl · 09/03/2015 17:09

I'd sit down to do something he enjoys such as a board game you can play together and just calmly broach the subject from the side of 'it's out of character for you and I just wanted to check that your okay'. I'd drop in during the conversation that it would be nice to write a sorry note (wouldnt bother with a gift myself but up to you) and then I would tell him it's okay to be upset about daddy (dh) leaving, you are too but if he wants to talk he can always talk to you and you will listen.

ApocalypseNowt · 09/03/2015 17:09

I think i'd take it as this individual incident has been dealt with and move on from it. However I'd also take this as a flag that your DS is feeling frustrated and has a lot of feelings and emotions that at present he is not dealing with.

I'm certainly no expert on what help is out there but is there an aunt or uncle (real or close friend of yours) that maybe he could spend time with and might open up to? I don't know what sort of counselling is available for children but is this something you could look into as well?

kewtogetin · 09/03/2015 17:09

He's not 'bratty'. He's 8 and his dad has just left. He's probably feeling worried, upset, bewildered, guilty etc. He has been punished, he knows you're pissed with him. Cut him some bloody slack.

TheNothingGirl · 09/03/2015 17:10

*sorry posted too soon. I wouldn't keep on about it if he wasn't opening up but would just leave it as it's better to talk rather than be cross and take it out on people then a hug and carry on the game.

OhFlippityBolax · 09/03/2015 17:11

Wow so nasty replies that are uncalled for here!

Outside of this incident just make sure school know his home situation, that your ds has ample opportunity to vent his spleen at someone and that you reassure him it wasn't his fault you split

Also, assuming the split had no child protection concerns, reassure him you won't stand between him and his dad, facilitate regular contact and assure him it's ok for him to be upset and its ok to talk about his dad with you

popalot · 09/03/2015 17:12

He's stressed. Have a chat with him and also let the teacher know things are hard at home for him, they'll keep an extra eye out for him

sliceofsoup · 09/03/2015 17:13

Please don't make him buy something to apologise. A note saying sorry is more than enough for an 8 year old.

Children can be naughty sometimes. They can be grumpy and fed up and they can make a mistake. That is ok. School have dealt with it. Encourage the apology note and then move on. If it continues to happen then reconsider whether its indicative of a bigger issue. But for now, he is an 8 year old boy. Let it go.

Mrschicken01 · 09/03/2015 17:15

I think it would be more helpful to,pay attention to what this sudden outburst means in terms of your sons feelings rather than 'hope' he will want to buy the TA a gift!!!

popalot · 09/03/2015 17:15

and TA doesn't need a present. It's part of the territory. She will move on and forgive a child whose behaviour is affected by stress/anxiety, it's all in a day's work

Pancakeflipper · 09/03/2015 17:16

I would wrap him up in love and hugs and when all calm have a chat about why we don't talk to people like that etc. Ask him why he wanted to say that to the TA. Let him know that although you don't like that behaviour you love him and understand why it's hard for him at the moment.

Sounds like he's lashing out due to the home situation.

DoJo · 09/03/2015 18:04

I'm not just treating that as if it's nothing/no big deal as it IS!

I agree, but I think you need to acknowledge that the real big deal is that an otherwise happy and polite child is feeling so many emotions at the moment that he is having a hard time controlling them.
The TA will probably have already forgotten it, and if you want to focus on anything I agree with PPs that it should be ways of your son expressing himself without being rude to teachers or getting himself into trouble.
School should be a place where he can switch off from the difficulties at home a little, so I would be wary of making too much of this situation and implying that anyone will be bearing a grudge over this incident (not that I'm saying you would!) as he will need to know that the people there understand that he is frustrated and that they know he didn't mean it.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 18:05

I won't buy anything then, if the general consensus is not to :) I just feel so awful as to me "shut up" is REALLY rude - I was honestly Shock - I know it's partly context but an eight year old telling an adult, his teacher/TA to shut up was just awful.

I wouldn't normally punish at home for a minor misdemeanour either, but I've honestly never had this from DS before and so was/am unsure quite how to deal with it.

I was thinking along the lines of trying to get to the root of why he said it but just the same I need to make it clear to him that he does not speak to people like that. I'm far from a draconian parent but manners are the one thing I do really insist upon. He is a bright boy and normally extremely empathetic to others, hence why I thought he would want to do something to put this right (I must admit I thought he would have before now Sad)

Sorry if it seems like an overreaction on my part but I can't explain how unlike DS this is.

OP posts:
PintofCiderPlease · 09/03/2015 18:14

It's a one off, not his usual behaviour. WHY do you want to make such a big deal of it?

If it happens a few more times, then yes, make a big deal. But at the moment it is too early for that.

Regardless of how lovely your DS is usually, he WILL occasionally react very badly to things. As long as it's not a pattern of behaviour, deal with the isolated incidents and move on.