To ask how you'd deal with this?

[turquoiseamethyst]

I'm really surprised as DS (8) has been in trouble today. This has never happened before. He was really rude to the TA and then stroppy with his teacher when she reprimanded him. He lost his play as a result and I am completely supportive of this.

DS is normally LOVELY (I know, biased much) but honestly he is the nicest boy as a rule and his teacher did say how out of character it was.

I recently told my husband to leave so it doesn't take a genius to work out it's obviously really upset DS but at the same time I don't want him to think it's acceptable to be rude or unpleasant to people.

Any advice?

Thanks.

DS is a very intelligent and perceptive boy - just worried I've harmed him

It sounds like you're doing everything you can, talking to him, showing him you love him but also setting boundaries. I would personally try and keep him in school/his routine as it will actually help him feel more secure long term I think. Try not to panic, if you continue with the consistent parenting, and school are also remaining consistent, I'm sure he will be back to his normal self once things settle down a bit.

You know what the root is. . His world has changed.. He has little control and is acting out with the people he feels safest with.

You don't need to punish him for it. Let him have his voice and realise he needs reassurance.

Things will settle down as he gets used.

Thanks. I just feel so guilty for making him so unhappy

You haven't made him unhappy-its just a change, that's all. In the long run you'll all be happier than if you and hubby had stayed together when things weren't working. Stop giving yourself a hard time, you sound like such a lovely, caring mum, he's lucky to have you.

I think you very much want your son to stay the same at a time when there's a lot of change for you.

I am sure that the two of you will find a new way of settling down, but I don't think you can demand/expect that he will be exactly as he always was. There'll be a period of upheaval and uncertainty for him.

I do think parents can make things worse by becoming overly shocked/too controlling if their children don't behave in the way that adults would like. Obviously the behaviour at school was not appropriate. But at one point when my music teacher took against my behaviour in a lesson - I'd picked up a book I was enjoying to read, while she marked my homework - and then mentioned this to my mother. My mother then told my father and I was brought downstairs after having been put to bed and forced to write a letter of apology. Decades later, I've always really resented their over-reaction. So I think staying calm is a much better response. Particularly if a child is distressed.

It must be very upsetting that your marriage hasn't worked out in the way you had hoped. That's the biggest thing on your plate at the moment. If your child is unsettled by the changes, it'll take a while for the two of you to work your way through that. I don't think one talk after an upset at school is going to sort everything.

But marianne I do expect his manners to stay the same to be honest.

One of the key reasons I asked dH to go was his treatment of the children. Having rudeness and attitude after that makes a mockery of him going. This isn't reading a book - it's telling someone to shut up, at 8!

But are our manners the same when our world has been turned upsside down? There are times when we just lose it because we're upset.

Why should our children be constantly perfect? I think we should allow them to get stuff wrong, and then - in as calm a way as possible - to say, that could have been handled better. What was going on? How do we put that right and do better another time?

I think that if you don't acknowledge your child's distress - and give him some kind of safe way to express it - they're going to get more upset, feel more unable to communicate with you and their behaviour will get worse.

That's not to say that your child shouldn't understand that they need to try to keep to reasonable school rules and be polite to staff members - even if that feels hard at times.

I have acknowledged it. I haven't punished him but held him and let him have a cry but that isn't the same as accepting it.

About the limit of my harsh words have been 'I know how difficult it all is but I still expect you to treat others kindly.' :)

I think what you have done is enough and the incident should be forgotten about.

He having a bad day. We all get them.

The point is, you don't know how difficult it all is, OP. You're not 8 and you're the one in control of what is happening. As far as your son can see, you're making it happen. Your "I know how difficult it all is but I still expect you to treat others kindly" reads as dismissive to me.

I mean, you're seeking support from random strangers on a chatboard because you need that - what about your son? What I mean is that you're an adult and need support - it matters to you what people think of you as a mother... your son, who hitherto has not behaved like this also needs some real understanding without you being defensive about what he's done/said.

I know, easy to say, difficult to do. It's very difficult not to be defensive when you perceive that your child's behaviour is a reflection of how you parent but everybody is trying to do their best and we all know that.

It really wasn't dismissive and I don't understand why I've been painted as a horrible harsh parent when I'm anything but.

I think, so far as the incident is concerned, the most you should do is perhaps a chat about how he thinks the TA must have felt when he was rude to her.
I wouldn't add any further punishment under the circumstances, and I wouldn't pressure him to talk about how he feels - just let him know you're there to listen and cuddle when he's ready.

The aggression buster exercises mentioned earlier in the thread are excellent; definitely try some of them out.

Go easy on yourself: it's a horrible time for all of you

Eh? You're not being painted as anything, OP, not by me or by anybody else.

I suggested that you were perhaps being over-concerned as to what people would think of you based on your son's behaviour, which is out of character. He's going through hell as well and he's 8 years old with no real understanding of why everything's changed.

We all need reassurance and validation as parents when life goes out of focus but I'm just saying that you know your son is a good kid so perhaps focus on him rather than what people are thinking of you.

Apologies then lying but I do feel I've been rebuked by some for causing this and then wanting to punish da - despite repeatedly saying I dknt!

Punishing my son and ignoring this incident aren't the sane thing.

Hugging and talking it through and making a gentle reminder of why good manners are important is just the right way to deal with this isolated incident

Don't think this is the beginning of something, its a one off. Try not to get into a negative pattern with him, don't compound things.

His dad has left, thats huge. Keep doing what youre doing and supporting him through this difficult time.

Take it easy on him. He is 8 and his father has just left. His mind must be going through turmoil. You say his dad was the disciplinarian. Maybe your son thinks that his dad left because he was not being good enough. The TA could have interrupted his confused thoughts and he just wanted peace and quiet. He has been dealt with at school and if they know the reasons behind it all they will understand. Don't make the mistake of being hard like his dad sounds. Your son needs love, time to think and time to adjust.

The only people that really matter are you and your son, OP. You know you're a good mum, you have a good child, this was an out of character thing and he took out his frustrations where he shouldn't. That's all that happened and he won't do that again.

Let the school know what is happening in your/his life at the moment and they will support you as well.

I told his dad to leave.

Ive no intention of being hard!

Thanks lying

We like 'teams' in this house, always have. Anytime that we need to present a united front against the world, we all sign up to 'Team Wardrobe'... all the adults - and definitely all the kids. I think your son may be a little old to fashion 'stickers' out of postage labels but you get the drift.

You and him against all comers, Team Turquoise.

I echo the others to say its time to move on now. It happened, its been dealt with, i wouldnt mention it again. I would however make sure your ds has some support at school, someone to talk to, and maybe permission to take time out (or whatever school policy is) to cool off if hes getting upset.

People mess up, they just do. He might go on to steal something at some point, smoke, take drugs, cheat on a girlfriend, all common mistakes that people make growing up. They shouldnt be encouraged, but they happen to people, it doesnt make them inherently bad, and its certainly nothing to blame yourself over. He lashed out at a difficult time, we've all been there, he might even do it again, he might not. Its hard watching your lovely kids make mistakes but it is 100% normal, and not your fault.

Thanks, I will do :) The situation with dH is long and complex but please be assured I had very good reasons for asking him to leave and DS and DD were at the heart of that.

I dont think anyone is saying that you shouldnt have asked your husband to leave. Just that your ds could be finding it hard coming to terms with it.

Of course and I understand that. I'm on his side completely and love him so :)

Rather than start a new thread, I will confess DS has been in trouble yesterday for throwing pencils and today for tearing his work up.

I can only reiterate I don't want to upset, frighten or manhandle him at all - but has anyone got any suggestions that may help?