Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd deal with this?

185 replies

turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 16:49

I'm really surprised as DS (8) has been in trouble today. This has never happened before. He was really rude to the TA and then stroppy with his teacher when she reprimanded him. He lost his play as a result and I am completely supportive of this.

DS is normally LOVELY (I know, biased much) but honestly he is the nicest boy as a rule and his teacher did say how out of character it was.

I recently told my husband to leave so it doesn't take a genius to work out it's obviously really upset DS but at the same time I don't want him to think it's acceptable to be rude or unpleasant to people.

Any advice? Sad Blush

OP posts:
DoJo · 09/03/2015 18:15

But it's the very fact that this is unlike him which means you need to make sure he knows that he is forgiven, by everyone involved, because they understand that he might be finding things hard.

He is a bright boy and normally extremely empathetic to others, hence why I thought he would want to do something to put this right (I must admit I thought he would have before now Sad)

Honestly - I think you are focussing too much on the fact that you don't feel he is 'sorry enough' and not enough on the fact that he is the one who is sad, hurting and feeling out of control. Whether or not he wants to apologise to the TA is so much less important than him being reassured about the situation with his dad leaving and feeling as though he has an outlet for the emotions that are obviously getting on top of him.

I completely understand that you don't want that to become an excuse for bad behaviour, but I do think that a little leeway where you ensure that he knows he is loved however he behaves and whatever he does is important.

Pancakeflipper · 09/03/2015 18:16

Just make sure that he's left knowing he can come to you and tell you anything and everything and you won't be disapproving. I think he needs to know you are there for him and together you can resolve everything.

I am not saying ignore the rudeness, it's a balance but he's made an error, he's been told off, he knows it wasn't acceptable. It's the why he's doing this that's at issue.

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 18:16

I think it's entirely natural for you to be so upset, and natural for even the most well-mannered child to push boundaries some days for whatever reason.

I'm a TA at an infant school and a child (age 5) told me to "shit off" during my first month there. Seriously, "shut up" is cheeky, but compared to some of the stuff TA's hear, it's nothing. Reiterate that you won't accept him behaving that way, but rest easy; you sound like a lovely Mum and he sounds like a great child.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 18:21

Oh, I definitely don't want to punish him, per se. I'm not even angry with him, exactly - disappointed - but more worried than anything else, if you see what I mean.

It honestly felt as if someone else's child was being described to me this afternoon.

Obviously, I don't want him to ever be rude to anyone; I haven't brought him up that way, but also it is like a symptom of something - I am explaining this really badly but in the same way an uncharacteristic physical pain might concern you - that's how I feel about this.

I'm worried as I think he's trying to protect me which breaks my heart really.

Charlotte how awful Sad but thank you Flowers

OP posts:
MarianneSolong · 09/03/2015 18:24

Perhaps your son is upset by your behaviour. After all when people get married they promise to stay together through all the ups and downs. For one reason or another this hasn't happened. He might conclude that his parents are behaving badly so why shouldn't he.

Maybe ending a marriage is 'badder' than momentary rudeness in a classroom. Certainly it is a more serious action.

Of course ending a marriage can be absolutely right. But try seeing that through the eyes of a child....

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 18:28

it's relevant to age, isn't it? At eight, telling an adult to "shut up" is serious; at twenty-eight, not so much.

OP posts:
redcaryellowcar · 09/03/2015 18:41

Whilst I totally understand he shouldn't have told the TA to shut up, I think you need to know why he did this, especially as you say it's totally out of character.
I remember vividly my mum at a parents evening when I was in secondary school getting glowing reports from all but one teacher,she very sensibly defended me and said there must be a reason I wasn't getting on as well, to this day I am grateful that she sided with me, you need to be the one on your sons side, doesn't mean he can get away with bad behaviour but in your situation i'd want to understand why???

Frecklefeatures · 09/03/2015 18:49

He's been in trouble, school have 'punished' him, a sorry note is appropriate. A clear warning from you to your son as to what the home consequences will be should it happen again might be enough to ensure it doesn't happen again. I would be very wary of openly linking this incident to your separation in case he uses it as an excuse - he needs to know it's not ok. I would (next day) talk about how he's feeling & make sure he feels more secure/knows he can talk any time.

QwertyQueen · 09/03/2015 19:01

I had a similar thing happen to me. My son's OT / play therapist gave me some good advice,
She said kids going through something like their parents divorcing, something they have no control of and do not want ("I don't want this to happen", "it's not fair", etc) feel disempowered.
And a child who feels like this is likely to do the fight or flight thing. ie: become self absorbed, or fight/ become aggressive.

She said throwing activities help - she said is is a great way to "get rid" of these internalised feelings. She suggested we keep old egg boxes and then let him smash them. Or smash ice and make drinks with the crushed ice.

She said that to tell him that sometimes we do things that can hurt someone by mistake - maybe we say or do something out of anger.
You must tell him we are all human and make mistakes, so he must come and talk to you (you will not get angry / judge) if he is worried about something he or someone else has done,
and then together you can do some fixing. (Eg: if you have said something nasty you can apologise to the person, or explain your actions etc), and then help guide him through how to fix a situation.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 19:09

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 20:37

Well, I have just made an unholy mess of trying to talk to him nicely Confused

He's angry, he's hurt, he's scared.

I feel awful.

OP posts:
KateAdiesEarrings · 09/03/2015 20:45

Oh dear. Can you just give him a cuddle and tell him you love him? He's perhaps subconsciously trying to push you away to see if you'll leave too. Help him to feel secure just now and trust that the school have dealt with the incident as they see fit. You're potentially catastrophising this and need to see it as an upset DS acting out.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 20:47

I don't think it's fair that I'm catastrophising this. I'm just acknowledging it as a sign that DS is very distressed.

I have a feeling, and I could be way off base, that he's deliberately being rude as his Dad was the disciplinarian and he's trying to summon him back, almost Sad

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 09/03/2015 20:56

Haven't RTFT....

But did your partner ever tell you to shut up? Or you to him?

He's just repeating it then....

He's confused about what is going on in his home life. Just hug him lots, explain in an age-appropriate way, do lovely things together just you and him and let him know you will always be there for him. (LP here).

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/03/2015 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 20:59

No, not in front of DS anyway. Besides, DS is 8. He has had impeccable manners for years - he's not suddenly going to start mimicking his now-absent father.

I think he's just trying to get a reaction, but not through rudeness and I'm MORTIFIED it's at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 21:01

I can't find your other post APlace sorry - but I didn't think anyone was blaming me. :)

OP posts:
Gwenci · 09/03/2015 21:17

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, what a massively stressful time you're having. It sounds like both you and DS are working through a lot. Flowers

Well done for trying to talk to him; I definitely agree that's what he needs now. If he reacted badly even to what you thought was a reasonable attempt to calmly talk through things just bear in mind he's only 8 - he knows he was wrong but he's reacting very defensively. It's a very adult trait to be able to retrospectively admit you were unreasonable.

You've said he's very intelligent; I'm sure he knows he was wrong whether he's prepared to admit it or not. I think it's probably time to leave it there. He's angry, scared and uncertain. In the morning, tell him you love him so much and he can always tell you how he's feeling. Then leave it. You've done as much as you reasonably can. Anymore and he'll start to feel victimised.

Hopefully this has shocked him too and it won't happen again. If it does, deal with it then. You're doing an amazing job in a terribly stressful situation. Cut yourself some slack too. xx

Gwenci · 09/03/2015 21:20

By the way - PLEASE don't worry about what the teacher/TA will think. I'm a primary school teacher and if this happened in my class with a normally polite, well behaved child who I knew was going through a parental break-up I'd have nothing but sympathy for them. And I'd be keeping a sympathetic eye on him too! x

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 21:35

Thank you Flowers

And thank you too for adding you'd have nothing but sympathy! I'm just Blush that his teacher might think I brought him up to speak to adults like that and I certainly didn't!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/03/2015 21:43

I'm sure his teacher won't think that. He's normally polite and if he had been brought up badly he'd have exhibited rude behaviour before now. She'll know it's out of character.

Gwenci · 09/03/2015 21:46

Honestly, don't even give that side to it a second thought!! As someone else has said, teachers will have heard MUCH worse on a daily basis and I promise DS's teacher will only be feeling sorry for him.

When something like that comes from a child who's normally impeccably behaved, I'd never be cross, I'd be surprised and assume something was wrong. And you are clearly a very conscientious parent - I promise she won't think any less of you or DS!! You supported her in her decision to keep him in at playtime and were clearly concerned about this out of character behaviour. Trust me, she'll just be wishing more parents were like you!! Smile x

Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 21:46

Thanks :) I know what people are saying about teachers having heard worse but I used to just hate it when kids were rude to me for no good reason and I'd hate his teacher or TA to be feeling like that right now.

He's already woken up with a bad dream and I am in two minds whether to just let him have a couple of days off. It must be like a pretty major bereavement to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoiseamethyst · 09/03/2015 21:48

Ah thanks Gwenci - it's true I am not a "my child can do no wrong!" parent. The irony is, usually he DOESN'T!

I feel like I've lost my confidence a bit. I always used to pride myself (Blush) on my parenting with DS; my 'D'H used to discipline quite severely for even minor transgressions and I would say it was too much. Now 'D'H isn't here and DS starts telling people to shut up! Shock

OP posts:
AGirlCalledBoB · 09/03/2015 21:56

I honestly think you are being too hard on yourself and your ds.

He is going through a rough time, and is lashing out/ playing up. My young cousins (8,7,3) had their dad desert them last year. Bastard! Anyway their behaviour was awful at first and really out of character. They were rude, they were horrible, they were just really dealing with a range of emotions and missed their dad. The oldest especially was a proper daddy's boy.

But it calmed down, their mother was consistent, fair and made it clear she was always there for a chat, as was the rest of the family. The oldest is now quite close to my oh, he like male company, probably just for football and playstation!

Anyway now they are better than what they were before!

Don't worry too much, am sure once your DS adjusts he will be back to his usual self Flowers