To ask how you'd deal with this?

[turquoiseamethyst]

I'm really surprised as DS (8) has been in trouble today. This has never happened before. He was really rude to the TA and then stroppy with his teacher when she reprimanded him. He lost his play as a result and I am completely supportive of this.

DS is normally LOVELY (I know, biased much) but honestly he is the nicest boy as a rule and his teacher did say how out of character it was.

I recently told my husband to leave so it doesn't take a genius to work out it's obviously really upset DS but at the same time I don't want him to think it's acceptable to be rude or unpleasant to people.

Any advice?

I completely agree with you moustache

Thank you.

I think the idea that people should only divorce if there has been abuse, is rather like saying that a pregnancy should only be terminated if there has been rape.

It's an opinion, rather than a true fact.

This article in Scientific American looks in a thoughtful and considered way at the issue of the impact of divorce, and looks at the study cited above.

www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/

Marianne the point is that you have shrugged this off in some posts as something unimportant (not true) but also in some of your posts you have accused me of 'behaving badly'.

In short I think your only contribution to this thread has been to try to question me and upset me - God knows why.

DS is at home still and I'm hoping to arrange things so he doesn't need to go to school for a few weeks at least, I think that will remove the pressure.

As a teacher, even the nicest child has an 'off day'.

Yes, but three of them in a row was/is a bit worrying.

At any rate I am in the process of trying to get DS out of school for a few weeks; I think it is a bit much for him just at the moment.

I don't have much to add to this thread except that OP I think you are doing a great job. And a parent leaving is exactly like a bereavement for a child. A friend who works for CAMHS actually told me that.

Thanks Lemon

And absolutely it is; absolutely.

There are obviously a range of opinions on marital breakdown. Perhaps it depends on the nature of the parents marriage, the child's own temperament, and also the particular nature of the separation.

For example if the parent who leaves stays in the area, has regular contact with their children and both parents continue to co-operate over schooling, health etc a child may experience this a little differently than if a parent departs moves far away and is rarely seen again.

I suspect that if my partner and I had separated when my child was at primary school, I'd have found it impossible to take them out of school for several weeks - even if I had wanted to. The school would have to consent to a period of home education on the basis that the child would then be able to reintegrate smoothly to the class on their return. For many parents employment would make taking their child out of school an impossibility. And, there is often a lot to do when a relationship breaks down. Financial arrangements need to be altered and it may be necessary to get legal advice. It's not very easy getting all this done when there's a young child around who needs to be both taught and looked afte.

But for me one of the interesting things about Mumsnet is finding out about the very different ways people live their lives.

Marianne

"...found that 25 percent of the adults whose parents had divorced experienced serious social, emotional or psychological troubles compared with 10 percent of those whose parents remained together. These findings suggest that only 15 percent of adult children of divorce experience problems over and above those from stable families".

Quoted directly from the article you cite. I would say that an extra 15% of children having serious trouble later in life is very, very significant, certainly not a number to be dismissed with an "only". In fact, the number in serious trouble increases by 150%.

I would rather take a 90% chance than a 75% chance, especially over something so very, very crucial. I wouldn't want to more than double the chance of something going significantly wrong.

And I think the myth that divorce is fine for children is perpetuated because people are very uncomfortable thinking that possibly they have put their own happiness ahead of their children's and so try to argue that they haven't, everything is ok. It isn't true. And it's understandable to want to shy away from that. But perpetuating such a myth rather than challenging it can lead to more of that thing happening, that that is

Study showing that taking other factors into account reduces the apparent impact of divorce, but does not eliminate it.

Also note that these studies follow children til 16, whilst the Wallerstein study cited before follows children for 25 years, and it is young adulthood and adulthood that some of the most significant difficulties arise.

Yes, it is good to see how other people live. There is no one way to live a life right- there are many ways. John Stewart Mill, one of the intellectual founding fathers of liberal tolerance, argued for tolerance of different ways of life based on the number of experiments in living that could thereby happen the new and better ways of life that could be discovered in a tolerant and diverse society. But those experiments can clearly demonstrate that some things don't work, just as clearly (if not more clearly as science proceeds by disproving theories rather than proving them) as new paths through life can be found.

In some things, better and worse options are clear, and this is one of them.

I would just be interested in marrying Marianne's "you have behaved badly" (by ending the marriage) comments early in the thread with her stance now that it is no big deal, silly DS for being upset by it?

Or was it all just part of seeing 'how other people live'?

I think the passage you are referring to is this.

"He might conclude that his parents are behaving badly so why shouldn't he.

Maybe ending a marriage is 'badder' than momentary rudeness in a classroom. Certainly it is a more serious action."

I added.

"Of course ending a marriage can be absolutely right. But try seeing that through the eyes of a child...."

i.e -a child who has been brought up to believe that marrying and staying married is right, might then feel confused when one parent finds it necessary to bring the relationship to an end, and could struggle to believe that a 'good' parent has done something which the child understands to be 'bad'. This could then prompt a previously 'good' child to behave in a way that they believe to be 'bad'.

I do believe that children like adults will take time to understand changes in family life, and that the way they experience parental separation on Day 1 is not necessarily how they will view it in six weeks or six months or six years.

My original point may have been a little on the sophisticated side. I hope this explanation/clarification helps.

Oh yes, you were quick enough to add it was how my DS saw it lest anyone think you were just posting to try to cause distress

I am 33, not 3. I don't 'behave badl and I doubt very much asking his dad to leave made DS think 'mum is Naughty; I can be Naighty too.'

OP, I know it's difficult but I'd try not to overthink this too much. You won't ever know why he has behaved like this - it could be the fact your DH and your relationship has broken down or it might not be. He's misbehaved for three days running but none of his bad behaviour has been that bad.

I would carry on as you are and see what happens. I'm not sure I would talk about it with him any more. Have a good weekend with him and remind him to be good in Monday and keep your fingers crossed.

I think some posters have been very unhelpful and unkind. Isn't it a shame there isn't a hide poster button . I'd do the next best thing and just completely ignore those posters who seem so determined to upset you.

Sorry I haven't read the whole post but my husband left us just before Christmas. It is hard for the children and he is probably processing so much at the moment that he can't concentrate properly... Hence telling her to shut up.

Can you get counselling for him? I can with my eldest, he's is year 6 and they only offer it to that age group. He has been for two sessions and he is finding it helpful.

Hard time for you all but don't worry too much about his behaviour. He will come through this as he obviously has a mother who loves him and is doing her best.

Ps I would keep him in school. He needs the stability. At the moment it is the only thing that hasn't changed. It will be much harder for him to have to return to school at a later date.

I am saying this from seeing this in the job I work in.

You asked why your child was behaving badly. I offered a suggestion as to why this might be.

I understand that you are very upset at the moment, and don't want to hear any views about relationships or about how children might think or what might and might not help, that aren't really about telling you that everything you do is absolutely right.

But I'm not sure that insulting posters whose views you disagree with is going to make you feel better other than in the most temporary way.

I hope that you've gained some food for thought from the range of contributions this thread, that family and friends are being helpful, and that you and your children find happiness and new stability in the coming months.

The original post reminds me vaguely of this article

offbeatfamilies.com/2012/06/daughter-hates

Marianne whatever your intentions were I said some time ago your posts were hurting my feelings and upsetting me. Nonetheless you have carried on.

Thank you but I am confident not going to school is right for DS at this time.

Am I Being Unreasonable? is usually seen as a place for lively debate about one's own behaviour of that and other people. It's a public forum - open to anyone who keeps to the Mumsnet guidlines, not a private club where only members whose views have been approved and vetted can apply. Many people who are feeling fragile find that it isn't the most comfortable place to post. I think some other more specialised areas of the board are meant to be particularly nurturing for anyone who's feeling vulnerable.

Carry on causing upset then. If the guidelines say so well it must be ok.

Does your son want to go back to school yet? Won't he be a bit bored at home after a few days? I think you should go and speak to your school about how they can support him through this rather than keeping him off. He might start to feel that something is wrong with him if his dad has left and now he's suddenly not at school. I totally think you did the right thing asking your husband to leave but I just don't understand your logic in keeping your son off school.

He doesn't want to go in is why

OP, I suggest you stop replying to posters that are bothering you. I think it's better to ignore them.

There is nothing wrong with with disagreeing with the OP but AIBU doesnt mean you have free reign to post in a way that you know will upset.

Thanks IStopped :)

DS definitely isn't up to going to school. I can't pick him up and dress him and drag him in by force.

Aw turquoise, why are getting a bloody bashing? You sound LOVELY to me and I have a DS very like yours. If ds1 told a TA to shut up, I would think the world has stopped turning. Your ds, like mine, wants to please.

I think you are doing a grand job parenting and it will be ALL RIGHT. Things may be rocky for a while and ds will need lots of empathy and reassurance but in the long term it will be fine. You've got your head screwed on and your son sounds like a smasher.