To ask how you'd deal with this?

[turquoiseamethyst]

I'm really surprised as DS (8) has been in trouble today. This has never happened before. He was really rude to the TA and then stroppy with his teacher when she reprimanded him. He lost his play as a result and I am completely supportive of this.

DS is normally LOVELY (I know, biased much) but honestly he is the nicest boy as a rule and his teacher did say how out of character it was.

I recently told my husband to leave so it doesn't take a genius to work out it's obviously really upset DS but at the same time I don't want him to think it's acceptable to be rude or unpleasant to people.

Any advice?

I wouldn't care, why would I? It's nothing to do with me if a parent keeps their child off.

OK but why are you keeping your DS off?

This is just bizarre. Most teachers even 'erstwhile' ones are concerned about attendance and know that children who are taken out of school, will need a bit of help on their return and may struggle to catch up with new material that has been taught in their absence. If they have been unsettled in the days prior to their being taken out, the process of getting back into the swing of things may be even harder.

Which isn't to say that it may not be right to have a physically healthy child at home for a day if some major crisis - a bereavement comes to mind - has struck, and they are in such distress that the school environment would be overhwhelming and that no learning is possible .

The loss if a parent, even an abusive one, may well feel like a bereavement. Bereavement isn't always through death.
That little boy may well not be up to learning at the moment. If he's feeling grief, confusion and anger his mum can make that call. Here we have a child who's been compliant - possibly unnaturally so- all his life. He may well take after his mum who's had years of submitting to abuse, and he's absorbed that message. Now his mother has told the abuser to leave and he's probably afraid and confused. This won't be worked through in five minutes and maybe, just maybe, he'll feel less anxious at home for a couple of days. I don't think anyone has the right to pass judgement on the OP for that.

I'm not passing judgment I'm just wondering if it is really the best thing to do. That's all.

Your son has never behaved like this before because maybe he has been too frightened. Give him time to come to terms with his new situation. Maybe he needs to talk to someone who is an expert in child counselling.

I think it's very easy to construct stories from limited information. The original poster has said/implied that her husband was too strict and that she told him to leave. Later she implied that she might have him back. We don't know what arrangements - if any - have been made for the time being about contact.

So there's upheaval and uncertainty. But I am not sure this need be equated with bereavement. I think in any class, there will be children whose parents have had a separation and/or got divorced. It's within the range of 'normal', but difficult experiences - which children do get through if given love and support and reassurance. Whereas a smaller number of primary -school children will have experienced the death of a parent.

Please do not let abusive ex back! No way! Your son is going through a period of adjustment, only to be expected. Schools should understand this! At 8 he may not truly understand or be able to rationalise how he feels. His anger is coming out at school, by the sounds of it, which is a safe environment to express his feelings. I believe, as someone who has worked with this age group, that it should be encouraged. Can the school facilitate your soon getting some emotional help? Talk to your GP, try to access some play therapy/counselling service for him. Keeping him home for a couple of days is probably a good idea, spend time with him, reiterate regularly that you love him unconditionally, I suspect you are already doing this.
As his mum only you know what is best for him.
Please do not consider allowing an abuser back into your lives. It will get better, I promise.
I left my violent partner when my kids were 7 and 5, had to move hundreds of miles to escape him. My kids are now adults, both have careers, left home and have healthy functional relationships with their partners. If I had stayed I think the outcome would have been much worse for them

Turquoiseamethyst I just wanted to pop on and give you some as I have noticed a few of your posts lately, and I know you have a ton of stuff on your plate. You are clearly a very loving thoughtful mum who is doing the best for her children in very difficult circumstances. I hope you have got some support irl, if you were my friend I would be round with . Keep on keeping on x

my mum kept me home for a couple of days after my dad left. can't imagine why she did that, maybe it was because it seemed to me like my world had crumbled and I was very upset I think you made the right call there op, not sure why you're taking such a battering on this thread. I'm sorry you're getting a hard time here as well as in real life. have you read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? I found it really helped me open up communication with my son when he was acting out because of stuff going on at his dad's.

Relate offer family counselling services - there are details of a free Live Chat session on their website.

You could also look at Parent connection and Gingerbread for advice on giving your DS emotional support.

Good luck.

I'm not most teachers.

Thanks for support.

Incidentally when I was a teacher I felt children from homes where parents had split up were often left more traumatised than bereaved children - possibly because of ignorant statements like some of the ones above.

I've kept him off because he doesn't want to go in.

I doubt he's doomed for failure because he had a few days off in year 3.

Expressing a different opinion on a forum - where opinions have been asked for - isn't ignorance. Sometimes support can come in the form of constructive disagreement and alternative viewpoints.

Children 'want' and 'don't want' lots of things. It doesn't mean that a parent will automatically grant these wishes.

A child who is unused to getting into trouble at school and who has been told off, may well want to avoid going back in - especially if they are feeling distressed and insecure.

I hope everything works out in the longer term.

It is ignorant, extremely, to say that a parent leaving isn't like a bereavement - of course it is.

I am well aware of my own shortcomings as a parent and person but I am firmly of the belief DS should not be at school today.

The world won't end because you kept him off school and sometimes DCs need a break from routine to acknowledge that actually they are experiencing a big event and life doesn't continue as normal all the time. When I was slightly older than your DS, we had a family bereavement and I was sent to school as my DF subscribed to the 'you should have routine' attitude. It was completely wrong for me. I felt like my world had ended and no-one cared. Hence I think you're completely right to keep your DS at home just now.

I know a PP suggested counselling and I think that's a good idea. Counselling for yourself would be helpful too. You've obviously ended a horrible relationship that will have massively impacted on your self-esteem. You need a place where you can get support, and also explore your boundaries. That will help you and your DS.

Don't take your exDH back. The reasons that made you ask him to leave are still valid.

Be gentle on yourself and try not to expect too much from yourself and your DCs just now. You all have to find a new way to be together and new boundaries.

Thanks my dad was much the same when my mum died.

People suggesting that children just need routine and that when a child's parents split up it is a "normal but difficult" experience are really minimising and ignoring the impact something like this can have on a child.

It is a huge, massive, terrifying (and in the child's eyes) possibly existence threatening event. They need help, support, love, care that is based on who they are as individual people not just a one size fits all "well no-one has died, soldier on you ninny" attitude.

Sometimes parents splitting up is the best thing and absolutely unavoidable. But that doesn't make it a "normal" thing for a child to experience, their feelings aren;t just to be swept under the carpet and ignored.

precisely moustache

as I said, ignorant, and ridiculous remarks about him struggling to catch up, routine being all-important, oh he only screwed up some paper.

My poor little boy he doesn't deserve any of this.

Why ask for advice if you are going to be so rude about opinions that don't agree with your own?

Oh, sorry, you don't want me to say some advice is ignorant and ridiculous?

There is the possibility of not giving advice that's ignorant and ridiculous then, isn't there?

As a parent and step-parent I am fairly well acquainted with the effects of separation on children. As with most things there's a balancing effect where you acknowledge that it signals a difficult change for the children involved, while also reassuring the child that some things will stay the same. So emphasising that friends and activities stay unchanged and that both parents will continue to be concerned about the child is generally felt to be a good way forward. What tends to damage children most when their parents separate is acrimony over issues to do with contact, money etcetera. And/or when parents find it so difficult to deal with their emotions that the children start feeling responsible for looking after the adults

Marianne, you have throughout this thread laid the blame for DS's feelings at my door. There may be some truth in that but the way it was phrased was needless. It would upset anybody.

DS wouldn't get up today. I decided not to drag him into the bathroom but give him space. I'm worried about him but listing my shortcomings isn't helpful.

Also you may be familiar with the effects of separation on children but you aren't familiar with my son. I am :)

Actually, Marianne you are wrong.

In fact, the general feeling of society that an amicable divorce is a good way forward for children is entirely wrong.

The only circumstance in which a parental split is better for children than the parents staying together is when the split is down to abuse. It is better to take children out of an environment in which they are being abused or in which they are witnessing abuse (as it will make them likely to accept it in their own relationships later).

Then, the circumstances that should be arrived at after the divorce is that the children should not be exposed to abusive behaviour. Which may rule out amicability/further changes in circumstances.

Yes, acrimony does cause additional damage. But no acrimony does not mean no damage. Yes, when parents over share emotions it does cause additional damage. But no emotional over sharing does not equal no damage.

In short, unless there is abuse, it is better for children for their parents to stay together. It is a myth that if parents are in an unhappy marriage, the children will be unhappy. It might be better for one or both of the parents for their to be a split (although often it isn't), but, unless there is abuse, it is not better for the children. It's an uncomfortable truth for a society with such a high divorce rate, but it is the truth.

The best outcomes for children in terms of health (including mental health), happiness, educational attainment, success in their own relationships both friendship and romantic, work achievement come when parents stay together. Splitting up with an abusive partner is better than staying with an abusive partner simply because it shows the child that they do not accept abuse (and, obviously because it takes them out of an environment where they be abused themselves).

If you want to look into the research on this "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: a 25 year landmark study" is a good starting point. If you don;t want to face it, down to some of the decisions you or important people in your life have made, then that's your choice, but it doesn;t magically make divorce/parental splits ok for children.