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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend's children should go to church?

491 replies

ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:30

Church is very important to my friend she is employed by them and does loads of voluntary stuff on top. There's not much she would prioritise over being in church on a Sunday morning.

Her Dc are now teens but haven't been to church since they were around 7/8. They didn't want to and although she would have liked them to keep going occasionally, she said it was their choice. Her DH is not a church goer.

Most of the time she's fine with this but there are certain occasions when she would badly like them to be there. Her birthday, Christmas.... and Mother's Day.

The church makes a big fuss of mother's day and she runs several children's groups so is very much one of the organisers for this. She has never managed to persuade her children to participate and has told me that she won't be going to church next Sunday because it makes her so sad when everyone else is being given flowers (provided by the church) by their children and hers aren't there. Another child will always present her with flowers, so she's not without but she is very upset by her own children not being there.

AIBU to think that for this day only, her DH should put his foot down and tell his sons they need to go because it will make their mum happy?

OP posts:
BubblesInMyBath · 09/03/2015 11:35

I don't really think it's your business. It's a very personal family decision - if they agreed to not put pressure on their children to attend church then I don't think the goalposts should be moved because it's a special occasion.

TheFecklessFairy · 09/03/2015 11:37

AIBU to think that for this day only, her DH should put his foot down and tell his sons they need to go because it will make their mum happy?

Yes, YABU. None of your business how they parent their teens.

Original poster
ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:37

Well, it's kind of my business when she was crying on my shoulder over it after church yesterday.

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manchestermummy · 09/03/2015 11:37

Well this will end well.

As someone who was forced against their will to engage in religious practice until I left home, YABU. It was important to my parents, but never important to me. They are teenagers. In a few years they might come to the same conclusion, but there would be no way I would make my dc do that as teens. Partly because I know exactly how it feels.

And actually her DH absolutely does have a say.

MrsBojingles · 09/03/2015 11:38

Seriously... Damned if you do damned if you don't. I'm sure a lot of people would get up in arms about forcing religion/church attendance on the kids.

I think the DH could encourage the kid a bit more - maybe even go with them & her himself, but as a Christian myself, raised in a Christian home, I stopped attending when I was a teen, and it would have taken very serious bribery to get me to attend at that point. They can't be forced, but encouragement might help.

MrsTawdry · 09/03/2015 11:38

No...your friend crying on you does not make it your business. You're a friend, we're confidantes...that means we listen not judge.

Original poster
ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:39

FWIW, I only go to church because DS2 wants to and I like to know what he's being "taught". I have no vested interest in her boys being there or not, I'm only interested because it's making my friend so unhappy.

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kinkyfuckery · 09/03/2015 11:39

YABU, none of your business.

HubertCumberdale · 09/03/2015 11:40

YABU. Religion is a very personal thing, you cannot be into it just because your mum is.
If she really wants a nice mother's day, she can do something with them that doesn't involve the church. It's sad, but those poor boys can't be made to feel obliged to take part in the church, it's just wrong.

manchestermummy · 09/03/2015 11:40

Classic don't you think your friend should appreciate that her teenaged children have their own opinions? Even in my 20s, my parents insisted I couldn't possibly know my own mind when it came to religion. That really hurts. And in my case, has made me reject religion almost entirely.

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 11:40

I think it is very difficult ....................... I am very involved in my Church but my DH and DS aren't - although they will come with me at Christmas and Easter. They are both 'believers' but don't particularly enjoy attending Church services regularly.

However I would hate them to just come to Church with me out of a sense of duty. Presumably your friend knew her DH was not a Church goer when she married him?

There is no easy answer but if faith is that important to your friend then perhaps she could overcome her own feelings and go to Church on Mothering Sunday to support other people - it can be a difficult service for people who have lost their own mother or children - or who have never been able to have children. Is her own mother alive - could she take her or just celebrate her own mother (rather than her role as a mother herself IYSWIM).

richthegreatcornholio · 09/03/2015 11:40

Thankfully her children don't suffer the same delusions that she does. Don't you think it would be slightly hypocritical of them to go to church?

BubblesInMyBath · 09/03/2015 11:40

It's still not really your business

She's shared with you she's upset by it, not asked you to get involved.

It's hard to not want to fix things for people we care about, but generally women talk to other women because the talking itself helps us feel supported.

RandomNPC · 09/03/2015 11:40

Perhaps Jesus doesn't want them for a sunbeam.

Original poster
ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:41

So the boys don't want to go to church and it shouldn't be forced on them. Does that mean they shouldn't go to a religious wedding or funeral service then, if they can't be asked to go one day a year for a special occasion?

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Mamus · 09/03/2015 11:41

No. If church is important to her surely she wouldn't want people who do not believe in it and value it to be forced to go along and pretend? Doesn't that sort of thing make a mockery of it all?

ilovesooty · 09/03/2015 11:42

She chose to confide in you but it doesn't make it your business.

JanineStHubbins · 09/03/2015 11:43

So the boys don't want to go to church and it shouldn't be forced on them. Does that mean they shouldn't go to a religious wedding or funeral service then, if they can't be asked to go one day a year for a special occasion?

It means it's up to them to decide if they want to go or not.

Original poster
ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:44

I'm not going to actually get involved....

I'm not saying they should "believe" I'm saying it wouldn't hurt then to go once in a while. Maybe there's a film she'd like to see or a restaurant she's like to go to but they're not bothered about. Would it be OK for them to refuse to do that on Mother's Day? Doesn't mum get to choose on that one day?

Actually, Ragwort, he was a church goer when she married him and the children were dedicated in the church....

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AuntieStella · 09/03/2015 11:44

Forcing religious observance - wrong.

Going along to your mum's observance a couple of times a year because it really matters to her - considerate.

The teens years are difficult, but one always hopes kindness will win out.

pbwer · 09/03/2015 11:44

"There's not much she would prioritise over being in church on a Sunday morning. "

Imagine if she spent her time on a sunday morning with her family instead of other peoples

MrsTawdry · 09/03/2015 11:44

A service for Mother's day is NOT the same as a wedding or christening. So yes, I'd expect them to suck it up for a wedding but not a Mother's Day service. God help me if I ever cry because of Mother's Day!

Pastamancer · 09/03/2015 11:45

Weddings and funerals are very different to a church service, they are about the couple/deceased whereas a church service is about god.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 09/03/2015 11:45

Free will is important.

Be kind to your friend but don't usurp her dc's right to free will about their religious practices.

Original poster
ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:45

Really, Janine, your sister was getting married and it would be up to your young teen whether they went or not?

OP posts: