to think my friend's children should go to church?

[ClassicTron]

Church is very important to my friend she is employed by them and does loads of voluntary stuff on top. There's not much she would prioritise over being in church on a Sunday morning.

Her Dc are now teens but haven't been to church since they were around 7/8. They didn't want to and although she would have liked them to keep going occasionally, she said it was their choice. Her DH is not a church goer.

Most of the time she's fine with this but there are certain occasions when she would badly like them to be there. Her birthday, Christmas.... and Mother's Day.

The church makes a big fuss of mother's day and she runs several children's groups so is very much one of the organisers for this. She has never managed to persuade her children to participate and has told me that she won't be going to church next Sunday because it makes her so sad when everyone else is being given flowers (provided by the church) by their children and hers aren't there. Another child will always present her with flowers, so she's not without but she is very upset by her own children not being there.

AIBU to think that for this day only, her DH should put his foot down and tell his sons they need to go because it will make their mum happy?

A Free Thinker is so much more than one who is free from authority and dogma. A free thinker is also free from prejudice, confirmation bias, racism, sexism, sectarianism and other stuff that I can't bring to mind right now. An atheist is someone who doesn't believe in god, but that does not mean that they are free thinking.

I haven not read the first page, but I put up with religious pressure throughout my childhood and hated it. Adulthood meant escape from religion, my mum still laments about the lack of family she has that accompany her to church....it's all for show, I know she's hugely embarrassed by her children's rejection of religion but I don't think that's a good enough reason to go, I have always objected to religious attendance, it may upset my mum but that's life, none of us agree on everything.

Not read whole thread so sorry if I am repeating what others have said.

Maybe the sons really resent their Mum spending so much time at Church.

I was left at home to cook Sunday lunch from the age if 11 by parents who prioritised Church above everything else. Then they often went to the parish centre afterwards and would rock up home so late that it was ruined!

Maybe the sons would like her to go and watch them play football or rugby sometimes? Instead of spending her time with other peoples children?

I am a Christian, but I prioritise the family I have been blessed with above all else.

I agree with you.dione I think I said that I was aspiring to be such. I don't think I could truly achieve what you describe. Could anybody, believer or not?

I think I've missed something.. Who else has disappeared Andrew? And by disappeared do you mean "not responded to your manly posts"?

dione your posts seem to be unecessarily provocative if you don't mind me saying so. Do you and Andrew need to take this outside??

Sorry, gotta go now as Daniel Craig is on tv and, not to be cheeky but he's far more interesting than this thread

See ya later if I can find the will to live

Aw but Marshy, he started it.

I'm assuming her kids celebrate mothers day, so why the hell does it have to be all about being given flowers in front of her church friends.

She should be happy with spending time with them in their home as a family instead of in a church in the place of a god they don't believe in.

It is interesting that you say you would be disappointed if your teens developed a belief in god

This is what I don't understand. When you looked at your new baby you had no idea of the person they would be. I agree that you bring them up to your beliefs- but surely you then support the child that you have? I can't see why it matters if they don't go along with your thinking-(as long as they are a decent person and not lying, cheating, stealing etc)
A lot simpler if you don't have huge expectations in the first place and then you won't be disappointed if they turn out rather differently than you envisaged. I find it the most interesting part of parenting-the uncertainty and the fact that you can have several children who are very, very different from each other.
It is very hard on children if they know that their parent is 'disappointed'.
The mother in OP is doomed to disappointment-unless they have a change of heart-nothing is set in stone. However I would think it highly unlikely they are going to attend church with her willingly in future years.

Well yes mehitabel I would, I can't deny it. It would put us on a fundamentally different page from each other in terms of how we see the world and I would find that difficult. But I love my children and I would get past it. And it would be their choice which I would respect.

My dd is at uni and is trying out things which I would probably prefer that she didn't. We are learning to renegotiate our relationship as she becomes an independent adult. She will always have my support.

I think you are making a leap in your assumption thatl disappointment would go hand in hand with lack of support.

Still here, and still trying to work out how thinking two teenagers should not be put under emotional pressure to go to services with a parent - whatever the gender of either - makes me a patriarchal bullshitter.

I'm even more puzzled to know why te OP or her friend (if they are not one and the same) should call on a man - the DH - to sort it out. He does not go but he should tell them to?

She may or may not live in a tekonarchal household but if she "put her foot down and told them that they were going" that would be matriarchal. And absurd. Two teens would find it easy to obey her and make her regret it. I can see them now, arms folded, faces like thunder, standing up when others stood, sitting down when others sat, not joining in the prayers or the singing, present in body but only sufficiently there in spirit to ruin it for her and for those near them - well, many of us have brought up teenagers and we've all been teenagers.

She needs to accept - as would he if he was the churchgoer - that these youngsters have decided that church is not for them. They are old enough to make that choice and she should respect it - just as her DH would have to accept it if he found that they had brought up two ardent Christians.

If I am wrong, I am wrong; but I am wrong in broad company, to judge by this thread, not all of whom are likely to be patriarchal even if they may be bullshitters.

I am honest in my discussions with her if I think she's doing unwise things. We have open and frank discussions. I think I owe it to her to be someone who will give her an honest opinion. But she also knows that I would go to the end of the earth for her if need be.

Andrew I hope you're not calling me a bullshitter

No Marshy but somebody else is!

Mehit - here is where you said it = Fri 13-Mar-15 15:58:49.

Of course I said it BUT it is one way to find a deeper meaning. Goodness knows where you think I said it was the only way! Some people climb mountains to find deeper meaning, some go and build wells in Africa to find deeper meaning - I am not going to waste my morning thinking of -101 ways! Some people go to Alpha courses to find it- and in answer to the original statement they would be annoyed to think it was because they were inadequate losers with 'issues'!
I agree with Andrew and can just see his scenario - it is what teens do well. I also can't see them lining up with the toddlers to be given a posy- I think they would sit tight in the pew!
He also mentioned something I hadn't thought of - why should it be the father who 'puts his foot down'.
I think that being 'on a different page' to your children makes life interesting. I can't see the need to have them matching your thinking. e.g I have vegan friends with a son who happily eats meat- why should it matter?