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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend's children should go to church?

491 replies

ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:30

Church is very important to my friend she is employed by them and does loads of voluntary stuff on top. There's not much she would prioritise over being in church on a Sunday morning.

Her Dc are now teens but haven't been to church since they were around 7/8. They didn't want to and although she would have liked them to keep going occasionally, she said it was their choice. Her DH is not a church goer.

Most of the time she's fine with this but there are certain occasions when she would badly like them to be there. Her birthday, Christmas.... and Mother's Day.

The church makes a big fuss of mother's day and she runs several children's groups so is very much one of the organisers for this. She has never managed to persuade her children to participate and has told me that she won't be going to church next Sunday because it makes her so sad when everyone else is being given flowers (provided by the church) by their children and hers aren't there. Another child will always present her with flowers, so she's not without but she is very upset by her own children not being there.

AIBU to think that for this day only, her DH should put his foot down and tell his sons they need to go because it will make their mum happy?

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 09/03/2015 12:31

I think it's quite disrespectful to equate participating in a religious ceremony to the same level as attending theatre or watching a football match. Of course they are not the same at all. One requires active participation and the others require passive observing.

A closer analogy would be insisting the dc joined in a theatre production or played in the football match and I don't think many people would think it reasonable to insist teenagers tread the boards because mum is.

As for the wedding/funeral thing, no I wouldn't make teenagers go along if they really didn't want to do so.

Endler32 · 09/03/2015 12:37

I think YABU , I don't think anyone should be made to go to church what ever age they are. My dc's go to a church school ( all schools here are church schools so no choice ), I am atheist but quite often the dc's want me to go to church, sometimes I go as they are not old enough to go by themselves, I don't enjoy going which is why I would normally chose not too. My mum used to try and get me to go to church at christmas but once I got to about 10 there was no way she could drag me there Grin.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/03/2015 12:38

I think the Professor has got it right.

Marshy · 09/03/2015 12:38

Surely the key difference between going to church or to a restaurant/football match/ theatre is the the requirement to believe in God?! Or am I missing something??

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/03/2015 12:43

The OP hasn't said that her friend's family are anti-religious. And I don't think the friend's DH should put his foot down, but I think he should tell their teenagers how important it is to her. Then it is up to them.

It's not about guilt tripping them, it's about explaining how happy it would make their mum and letting them decide if they want to.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 09/03/2015 12:44

Sort of Marshy except it's not enough to just believe it, you have to actively declare it over and over; prayers, hymns, creed etc etc.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/03/2015 12:49

FWIW, I've seen more fanatical nonsense from some football supporters than I've ever seen from the religious. I've plenty of personal experience of both.

notinagreatplace · 09/03/2015 12:50

I think it's totally understandable for your friend to feel sad about this.

But, it's not 'just one day' really is it? According to your OP, it's her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day and I would guess that Easter would also be a big deal for her. That's just for starters and perhaps her sons feel that she'd then start asking for more.

I also don't particularly see why her DH should 'put his foot down' - if she hasn't managed to persuade her sons, why would he be able to?

I suspect you don't have the full picture of what's really like in their home - would she miss church for something that was important to her sons? It doesn't sound like it.

Marshy · 09/03/2015 13:05

I'd the question to be asked of those 2 boys is something along the lines of

'please come to the Mothering Sunday service. I know this will mean setting aside your lack of belief and that you will have to take part in the service, but I would like you to do it to make me happy"

......then fair enough. There's no law against asking. But don't be surprised if the answer is no and maybe give them a little credit for it?

Marshy · 09/03/2015 13:06

*If.....obvs

geekymommy · 09/03/2015 13:09

She needs to talk to her sons about this. Has she told them that she would like them to come to church on those days? If she hasn't, you can't really blame them for not knowing. Teenage boys are not known for picking up on subtle hints that parents would like them to do something.

Forcing teenagers to go to church is not the way to get them to go to church as adults. You don't want to make religion all about doing things you don't want to do and not doing things that you do want to do. People who have that kind of experience of religion aren't likely to practice it themselves when they have a choice. Maybe that worked when there was more social pressure to practice a religion, but it doesn't now. My DM forced my sister and me to go to church every Sunday during the school year. I don't think either of us has gone to church since age 18 except for a wedding or a funeral (I know I haven't, and I don't think she has), and neither of us considers ourselves members of DM's religion. We both married members of other religious traditions, and are raising our kids in those traditions (I converted to Judaism, she married a Catholic man and is raising her kids Catholic).

solidarityplease · 09/03/2015 13:17

Could be completely wrong OP, apologies if so, but are we definitely talking about your friend here?

I really don't see the problem with sons going to that one service for her, they are not going to become indoctrinated after a 45 min service or whatever.

If they really feel uncomfortable going, I'd hope they could indulge their mum once a year.

Atheist here too, but do feel they could give her this one day that is important to lots of mothers.

NeedABumChange · 09/03/2015 13:20

Bet she's missed loads of stuff because she HAD to go to church so YABU. If she spent more time with her own family instead of all the deluded church creepers they might have more of an inclination to do what makes her happy.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 13:22

YABU

thenextday · 09/03/2015 13:25

I would prefer my teenagers to be nice to me throughout the year than on a particular day.
I dont expect anything on Mothers Day and find the whole charade quite distasteful.
I would never go to church to make someone feel good about themselves.

GhostlyPenguin · 09/03/2015 13:29

Has she spoken to her DH and DS ? or is she assuming that they'll just know how upset she is when they don't go?

Are they resentful of her church life or a bit oblivious about their mum need for some support?

If she asked them to attend - but they don't wish to they could then offer some compromise to show she is important to them. If they have been given this chance and if the took it would your friend be happy or would it be church attendance or nothing?

I suggest you encourage her to talk to her family - not much else you can do.

Marshy · 09/03/2015 13:30

Neither would I next day

I think.it's important to be honest about the question that is being asked of the boys and then respect the response.

I'm shocked that people equate going to church with going to a football match or theatre.

Becles · 09/03/2015 13:33

OP you're getting a massive slating here that would never have occurred if the situation related to another faith or atheism.

I think, given that the friend has listened to the children and doesn't insist they attend, they can show consideration for her by attending a couple of services that mean something to her.

As for those claiming that the children are somehow punishing the mother's so called neglect because she goes to church and has the temerity to be employed by one, words fail me.

GhostlyPenguin · 09/03/2015 13:34

I'm shocked that people equate going to church with going to a football match or theatre.

I'm a atheist so it is just another event to me.

I attend school plays to show support and try and do same for DH events - or did pre DC and childcare issues. DH came where he could to my things even when he didn't know anyone there. DC have had church things - choir events or service they want to attend, local school is C of E, and I take them and stop and show support - same as I would a match or theatre event.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 13:35

Except a football match or theatre are fun and church is boring as all fuck.

HootyMcTooty · 09/03/2015 13:36

expat Grin

AgathaF · 09/03/2015 13:37

She has spent her children's lives prioritising church over them. Why should they need to go to a mothering sunday service to hand over flowers to their mum in the public arena of her church?

If she wants to spend the day with them she can do. She is choosing not to. She needs to decide if it is the church for mother's day that is important, or spending time with her sons.

ToysRLuv · 09/03/2015 13:39

I don't know why she doesn't go home to cake and flowers laid on by tge family and enjoy the rest of the day, rather than get upset that DC aren't interested in her hobby/workplace?

JanineStHubbins · 09/03/2015 13:40

It's a bit self-regarding to want your non-religious teenaged sons to attend a church service on Mothers' Day so they can hand you flowers in front of the whole congregation.

countessmarkyabitch · 09/03/2015 13:41

Their parents have decided not to make them go to church. I fail to see how your feelings on the matter have any bearing on the situation at all.