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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend's children should go to church?

491 replies

ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:30

Church is very important to my friend she is employed by them and does loads of voluntary stuff on top. There's not much she would prioritise over being in church on a Sunday morning.

Her Dc are now teens but haven't been to church since they were around 7/8. They didn't want to and although she would have liked them to keep going occasionally, she said it was their choice. Her DH is not a church goer.

Most of the time she's fine with this but there are certain occasions when she would badly like them to be there. Her birthday, Christmas.... and Mother's Day.

The church makes a big fuss of mother's day and she runs several children's groups so is very much one of the organisers for this. She has never managed to persuade her children to participate and has told me that she won't be going to church next Sunday because it makes her so sad when everyone else is being given flowers (provided by the church) by their children and hers aren't there. Another child will always present her with flowers, so she's not without but she is very upset by her own children not being there.

AIBU to think that for this day only, her DH should put his foot down and tell his sons they need to go because it will make their mum happy?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 09/03/2015 11:45

Thankfully her children don't suffer the same delusions that she does.

Some of these comments are very unkind, many of us get a huge amount of comfort and support from our faith - I would never mock or insult someone who does not have a faith and only on Mumsnet is it so acceptable to be so sneering about attending church.

I think sometimes it is important to support family members even if it is something you don't particularly want to do - I have no interest whatsoever in sport but I spend hours taking my DS to matches, pretending to be interested, washing the team kit and supporting him in something that is very important to him.

Heels99 · 09/03/2015 11:46

Perhaps they could plan something else to do in Mother's Day together as a family that isn't church where she could receive flowers and all the fsmily could enjoy it. Church isn't the only thing to do in Mother's Day. Crying because your kids won't attend church in Mother's Day is ridiculous she needs to get a grip.

DoJo · 09/03/2015 11:46

Does that mean they shouldn't go to a religious wedding or funeral service then, if they can't be asked to go one day a year for a special occasion?

Are you really suggesting that they shouldn't be allowed to attend the funeral of a loved one because they don't attend church?

manchestermummy · 09/03/2015 11:46

No-one's saying they shouldn't be asked. Yes, ask them! But accept that as young adults they might actually have an opinion.

Growing up, my life revolved around my parents' place of worship (not Christianity). I was banned from doing everything a normal teenager wanted to do. I wasn't even allowed any hobbies if they coincided with going to the place of worship. Even at 18 and beyond, they simply could not accept this, and eventually I concluded they had no respect for me. I still feel this way and I'm 36.

It's not just one day: it's forcing them to engage and that's not right. If she makes them, she's probably going to end up with a rebellion. I rebelled. My dc aren't being brought up to be religious, my dh isn't from the faith in which I was raised.

sparkysparkysparky · 09/03/2015 11:47

I'd suggest keep out of it.
We had to go every Sunday. My late DF who was not a christian used to tell us off if DM came home with a report that we had been misbehaving. I think teenagers could put up with it as a one off for Mumâ??s sake but it depends on that family's dynamic.

timeforabrewnow · 09/03/2015 11:47

Both you and your friend need to get a grip. Your friend is literally crying because her sons won't go to church?

That is sad. She needs to separate from her sons as they are growing up.

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 11:48

Classic - that makes it even harder for her if her DH was a regular church attender when they first got together.

As others have said, a bit of kindness from her DH and DC would be nice.

HootyMcTooty · 09/03/2015 11:48

We live in a society where freedom of religion exists, this applies not only to people's rights to practice whatever religion they want to practice, but also people's right not to.

YABU, her teens have every right to decide whether/how they wish to practise religion. It's neither their mother's business nor yours. It may be disappointing to her, but this is part of raising children, they will not always do the things you would want them to as they grow into adulthood.

PatriciaHolm · 09/03/2015 11:48

"There's not much she would prioritise over being in church on a Sunday morning. "

You know, I think this might be the key. They are teens; they have had many years of their mum prioritising church over time with them, sports events, picking them up from sleepovers, or whatever. Maybe, just maybe, they think that she should have thought more about them as they were growing up than about spending one of the only 2 mornings a week they were at home doing something else?

tomandizzymum · 09/03/2015 11:48

I think it's important to raise kids to understand that part of family life is give and it's not always all about them. We have 4 kids spanning 9 years, you cannot please everyone. It's irrelevant if it's church, or the theatre or someone's favourite resturant, raising selfish people is no benefit to them.

As for people saying that you should butt out, you are not butting in you are just asking for people's opinion on the matter. If the woman were an actress and the teens were refusing to see her performances I bet it would be a different story for a lot of people. Mention church and suddenly it's all about forcing religion on people!

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/03/2015 11:48

OP, I think your friend needs to talk to her DH about how deeply she feels wrt the Mother's Day service. She accepts that none of her family are into church, but would it be so awful for them to accept that she is into it, and endure the boredom for one hour a year to make her happy on Mother's Day?

Andrewofgg · 09/03/2015 11:48

Teens? Please. The only time it might, perhaps, be right to lean on them would be when it was a family occasion under the guise of a service - hatches, matches and dispatches. Otherwise it's for them to decide. And it's not for you to speak to these young men about it.

Original poster
ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:49

No DoJo, I'm saying that if it would be an affront to expect them to be in church for Mother's Day, would it be Ok for them to refuse to go to a funeral because they didn't want to go to church?

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 09/03/2015 11:49

I don't think anyone should be forced to attend a religious service if they actively don't want to, OP. You might be ok with forcing a teenager to do that, I wouldn't.

Although your earlier post seems to be suggesting that they shouldn't be 'allowed' to attend a wedding/funeral if they can't be 'arsed to go one day a year for a special occasion'.

SuggestmeaUsername · 09/03/2015 11:49

It is for them to decide OP. It is sad for their mum that they are unwilling to go just on this one day which is special to her and I know they are not going to have religion forced down them if they were to go. However, it is for them to decide and shouldn't be made to go through guilt

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 09/03/2015 11:49

Taking the religious aspect out altogether, I would like to think my kids would go to something that was very important to me, particularly on MD, just because it's a nice thing to do. I'm not religious but I do accompany my Mum to church very occasionally as I know it makes her happy.

MrsBojingles · 09/03/2015 11:49

They totally should decide for themselves, and I'm saying that as a Christian who is very involved in Church and has worked for Churches. It's their choice. Likewise with funeral/wedding attendance - no one should force them to attend (though tbh that's not really about religious beliefs).

Perhaps you could teach your friends about the true meaning of mothering Sunday - a day dedicated to the "mother" Church, when servants were allowed to go back to their home church and people celebrates the Church. Traditionally didn't have anything to do with Mums - that's a commercial card company interpretation.

Ragwort · 09/03/2015 11:50

Well said tomand - the voice of reason on this thread.

QuintessentiallyInShade · 09/03/2015 11:51

Yabu.

This sounds like a woman who is putting her personal Faith ahead of her family, not just now and then, but several times a week.

Of course the children are revolting, and turning against religion - it is taking mum away from the family!

Maybe she should try be a MUM on mothersday and stay home to be with her own children.

Gooddaysunshine · 09/03/2015 11:51

A wedding or funeral are completely different occasions. Will the teens be showing their love and appreciation of their mum in their own way on that day? Giving her a card, flowers etc by their own volition rather than in a religious ceremony?

YABU and it really is none of your business, I think they are being good parents by respecting their children's choices and not enforcing religious beliefs on their children.

ouryve · 09/03/2015 11:52

YABU.

They're old enough to make their own minds up.

manchestermummy · 09/03/2015 11:52

Do these teens have anything else planned for that day?

My parents tried to withdraw me from a play I had been rehearsing for for months because it fell on a holy day. I was 15. I did the play - a lead role - but dad didn't speak to me for weeks.

I can be quite anti-organised religion but I do accept how important it is for some people. Even so, it's Mothering Sunday. If her dc present her with flowers at home would that not count? Does she actually need that public display of handing over flowers they have been provided with? Really?

GooseyLoosey · 09/03/2015 11:52

It is not possible to be more of a confirmed atheist than I am.

However, this is not about the dcs' beliefs, this is about showing some love and respect for their mother and, for one day of the year, participating in something important to her. If course, if they have never been to church, they would have no idea what happens on mothers' day. Has she told them.

I absolutely would encourage my children to do. When we stay with MIL, who is a devout catholic, we have all been known to go to mass with her because it is important to her that people can see she has a supportive and loving family. This does not affect my or the dcs' religious beliefs but it does encourage them to put other people first sometimes.

So, going against the tide of opinion, YANBU

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/03/2015 11:52

She seems to be putting Church ahead of her sons. Im not religious so I might be wrong, but Id think it more appropriate to priorities your children before church.

Original poster
ClassicTron · 09/03/2015 11:53

Thanks tomanddizzy, that's exactly how I feel about it.

I go to church because DS2 likes to go, I go to football because DS1 likes to go, sometimes DS2 has to come too even though he'd rather not. I occasionally play golf because.....Would it really be too much to ask my DC to participate in something that is close to my heart for one day?

And I'm really not going to get involved. I have no intention of saying anything to anyone.

OP posts:
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