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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DP's ex is bu?

222 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 10:34

DP's ex and her boyfriend have booked a v. expensive 2 week holiday around easter holidays.

She is expecting DP to take 2 weeks off work so he can look after their DS so she she can go on holiday.

DP is self employed so doesn't get any holiday pay etc and if he doesn't work for 2 weeks he won't get any money! Dp has said he will have ds as normal on the weekends but for the rest of the time she will have to make other arrangements.

She has also said doesn't want ds staying at our place overnight (we have just moved) but then wants him to stay with us for 2 weeks?

I thought I might be a bit close to the situation so I'm wondering if Aibu or if she is for expecting DP to lose 2 weeks of pay so she can go on holiday!

OP posts:
pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 22:42

And I totally agree that ex is bu by the way!

MkDaddy · 09/03/2015 23:40

Why doesn't mum want the child staying overnight? That puzzles me completely.....

maddening · 09/03/2015 23:40

The ex is bu over the lack of notice and discussion over arrangements but going forward it is normal to use annual leave to facilitate school hols etc and the ex is allowed to have a couple of weeks off or time off every now and then so your do will have to factor this in to his working schedule.

riverboat1 · 09/03/2015 23:42

I definitely don't think the ex has the moral high ground here, she sounds very unreasonable to me.

Unfortunately that doesn't solve the problem of what to do now.

If your DP tells her point blank he won't be able to look after the boy, that doesn't bode well for her being reasonable re future contact. Infuriating as it may be, would you be better off trying to compromise with her?

Does DP have family eg parents who could help out? Could he broach the subject of the ex finding other childcare for Mon-Thur and him having DS for full weekends and taking just one or two days off instead of 2 weeks? What would ex say if told there would simply be no money for rent for DS to stay with dad if he loses 2 weeks work? Would she show any understanding / sympathy or just not care?

Rebecca2014 · 10/03/2015 06:29

This is why men have is so easy. My ex would never have our daughter for a week so I could go away, it is hard enough get him to have her overnight. He has a new girlfriend and they gone away for a weekend, would he take time off work so I could do the same? of course not! as the mother my life has to change forever while he gets live the single, free life with some perks of acting like an active father once a week.

Men...and pathetic women with them who think its okay. One day you may end up a single mother and your be in the same situation.

kim147 · 10/03/2015 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floisme · 10/03/2015 08:11

Not unreasonable to expect a non resident father to look after his child for 2 weeks.
Very unreasonable of the mother not to give notice.

However moral high ground aside, there is a practical problem. I hope the father steps up and that the child never finds out his parents are arguing over him like this.

MythicalKings · 10/03/2015 08:19

The father doesn't need to step up at all. That's giving in to emotional blackmail.

The ex will have to sort it out herself, she created the problem she needs to solve it.

Floisme · 10/03/2015 08:29

I am thinking about what would be best for the child. I assume he's already been told he's going to be staying with his dad. His mother shouldn't have done that but, now that she has then yes, I think he has to suck it up, sorry.

lollilou · 10/03/2015 08:30

Compromise and communication is what is needed now I think.

Floisme · 10/03/2015 08:31

Yes.

catsmother · 10/03/2015 08:48

We don't know for sure the child has been told he's staying with his dad do we ?

And what if, literally and genuinely the dad can't 'step up' ? .... what if, because of the income he'd lose were he to do that, he couldn't pay his rent this month or next ? What if - remembering he's self employed - he's already committed that time to a customer job which, if he cancelled/postponed, might mean he not only loses that particular job but also prospective further future work from them and all the other potential customers he might have had were it not for the inevitable bad reviews the let down customer would pass on ? (which could well be all the difference between a fledgling business becoming a success or not).

There's another solution here which no-one seems to have put forward and maybe that's the mother should bloody well cancel her trip if she can't find alternative care, and perhaps that'd be a lesson to her about forward planning plus mature and courteous negotiation before booking long trips away.

Floisme · 10/03/2015 08:55

No we don't know for sure - as I said, that's an assumption on my part but I think it's likely (and if she has, she was in the wrong). If he really can't step up with this kind of notice then they both need to work something out. I'm not interested in teaching anybody lessons. It's a mess and I'm just trying to see it from the child's point of view.

riverboat1 · 10/03/2015 08:59

cat - I agree that solution should be considered. But worry it would prime ex to be even more difficult re overnights and contact in he future. Whereas if OPs DP worked to find a compromise with ex, it might be more likely to set up good precedents for her being more reasonable going forward. Particularly as she was previously refusing overnights but now saying OK to them for this period.

Sadly from reading the SP board it is clear that even with a legal contact order in place, the RP can get away with an awful lot of contact-blocking if they set their mind to it.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 09:14

I'm just Shock that people think the OP is being unreasonable.

There's absolutely no way I could afford to lose two weeks notice without enough notice to plan and budget for it.

I cannot believe people have implied he's selfish for daring to work and therefore is not available to just take two weeks off on a whim.

Sometimes I feel like I've stepped into an alternative universe where fathers are always wrong.

icedgem30 · 10/03/2015 09:14

Two weeks wages even.

catsmother · 10/03/2015 09:34

Oh River, believe me I know from personal experience, well, that of my partner, just how much contact blocking some RPs can get away with. We had years of it. Unfortunately though, we found that the old adage of not being able to reason with someone who's unreasonable is very true .... time after time my partner (and therefore me as well because it usually affected me too) would 'compromise' (i.e. 'give in') for his ex in the hope she'd become more considerate and co-operative in the future - only to find that that other old adage of 'give an inch, take a mile' was also very apt. We accommodated lots of very short notice contact - which was only ever offered up when it suited the ex - because we too feared the children being told their dad didn't want them, and also because with all the ad hoc contact blocking we never knew when another opportunity would arise ..... yet once his ex had had her weekend away or whatever she'd go straight back to unnecessary game playing and obstructing contact on a whim. In retrospect, I actually think that 'giving in', 'stepping up' or 'compromise' - whatever you want to call it - actually had the opposite effect we'd hoped for in as much as DP's ex knew she get could away with thoughtless, selfish and rude behaviour because no-one ever said (or rarely said) NO.

And we had lots of experience of the ex seemingly being 'nice' all of a sudden - by which I mean she was behaving normally for a change instead of selfishly - because she wanted something, and you'd hope she'd finally seen the light so to speak, and then she'd just revert to being foul. It didn't matter that she was contradicting herself, going back on what was agreed two weeks prior or that she was being hypocritical. The only thing that mattered was her getting what she wanted - regardless of any affect on us, and certainly regardless of what was best for the children.

Of course I appreciate that is MY story and it'd be great if this particular ex was mature enough to recognise that mutual co-operation and honest and fair communication was the way forward. However - although it's hardly a proven science - years and years of dealing with a difficult ex, and speaking to lots of other women with similar issues - has given me a sort of 6th sense about these things .... this particular ex seems 'the type' sorry to say and I doubt she'd take a good hard look at her own attitude even if OP's DP was able to sort this out. Someone who's silly enough (at best) or selfish enough (at worst) to see no problem in booking a 2 week holiday without ensuring reliable childcare was in place first is probably not going to have a road to Damascus moment any time soon.

And again, from personal experience, I'd recommend anyone experiencing contact issues to get the legal ball rolling sooner rather than later, after giving reasonable opportunity for the RP to be fair about it. My DP waited to do this for years in the hope of appealing to her better nature, hoping she'd 'grow out of' being so spiteful etc., but in the meantime, the damage to his relationship with his kids (as a result of obstructed contact and lies surrounding this) just grew and he ultimately ended up having to sort out a much larger problem when he finally went to court than if he'd attempted to nip it in the bud from the start.

Sorry for a bit of a hijack there .......

Sethspeaks · 11/03/2015 18:32

The short notice and mixed messages about whether he can or can't stay overnight are unacceptable and she is being unreasonable about that.

But removing that, this child has two parents who are equally responsible for his care. It shouldn't be down to the RP to request that the NRP spends time with their child, and he doesn't seem to have much drive to do that. He could push for more contact, and I wonder why he hasn't. What if she planned ahead and was asking about the summer holidays - would it still be a no? Now he has a room for the child what are his plans for the future? Does he ever want much more extended contact?

So while she in this instance is unreasonable about presenting a fait accompli, it has come across that the op and her dp think it's down to mum to do all the care and that it's ok for Dad to have minimal contact and at his convenience. And to me that's not fair on his child. The fact that he isn't jumping at the chance of a whole fortnight when he's had such little contact is quite telling. Yes, he works but lots of parents do and manage to have their children with them too, and it does come across as a flat "oh no I can't as I work" which doesn't wash with me. I'd be seeing things much more from the op's point of view if they were saying no to Easter but offering to have the child for a fortnight at a different time, and had plans to start sharing some care in the school holidays but that doesn't seem to be the case.

kinkyfuckery · 13/03/2015 16:43

Did anybody manage to sort anything out OP?

ApignamedJasper · 13/03/2015 18:06

Afaik dp is having him for his normal days (except all weekend both weeks) and a combination of her mother & her friends are babysitting the rest if the time.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 13/03/2015 20:47

Glad it's sorted out well.

We used to have things like this thrown at us a lot when DH's son was younger. His ex was always going away with her husband on holidays without him. I think we have been away without him for the first time since our 4 day honeymoon this week, he is 17 now and going away with his college instead. Luckily we were friends with her sister, who would warn us when a holiday was looming. His ex always left it until weeks later to tell us. If my husband said he couldn't rearrange things she would tell him he was a bad father and that a good father would have his son at any time.. A few times we had the dog dumped with us too. It never worked the other way round. She booked a last minute holiday over our wedding, and said SS couldn't come, even though SS was going to be our best man and was really looking forward to it. Luckily her second husband told her she was out of order and changed the holiday date (they split up soon after).

For the record we love having him with us, we would have gladly had him full time (life would have been a lot easier!), we just needed a bit of respect and manners when things were arranged. It never happened! It's easy to say go back to court, but it costs a fortune and we didn't have it.

All I can say is that these children grow up and clock what is going on, they see the games that are played and the tricks that are pulled..

ApignamedJasper · 17/03/2015 10:05

It transpires that I was slightly wrong about the dates, she leaves today so is actually away for two weeks, both weeks not in the holidays.

For some irrational reason this annoys me more!

She actually booked the holiday last year, wrote all about it on facebook before she blocked me and DP for erroneous reasons just didn't bother to sort out childcare for Dss until now. When we saw the posts about the holiday we just assumed that Dss was going with :/

OP posts:
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