Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's ex is bu?

222 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 10:34

DP's ex and her boyfriend have booked a v. expensive 2 week holiday around easter holidays.

She is expecting DP to take 2 weeks off work so he can look after their DS so she she can go on holiday.

DP is self employed so doesn't get any holiday pay etc and if he doesn't work for 2 weeks he won't get any money! Dp has said he will have ds as normal on the weekends but for the rest of the time she will have to make other arrangements.

She has also said doesn't want ds staying at our place overnight (we have just moved) but then wants him to stay with us for 2 weeks?

I thought I might be a bit close to the situation so I'm wondering if Aibu or if she is for expecting DP to lose 2 weeks of pay so she can go on holiday!

OP posts:
MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 09/03/2015 11:28

Those of you saying the boy's mum is NBU, have you missed the part where she refuses to let him stay at his dad's house until it suits her so she can galivant off on holiday without him?

lollilou · 09/03/2015 11:29

I think you need to compromise with her. What are your childcare plans for your dc in the Easter holidays? Could your DP take one week and her Mum the other?

kim147 · 09/03/2015 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 11:32

Why would I want my ex to take time off work to spend time with me kinky :D I suspect that isn't what you meant!

M0ther, when I said that I just meant on the very rare occasion we don't have him one week the days will be made up at other times. There have been times we haven't had him because Dss has had birthday parties to go to, or because DP is attending an event not appropriate for children. 99% of the time, Dss will go with us when we have something planned for the weekend. But yes, now DP's ex has said this hopefully she will be open to him staying over :)

DP is definately not rolling in it, he is on less than minimum wage for the hours he works but unfortunately with the job he does at the moment it's the only way he can earn.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 09/03/2015 11:34

"Should holidays be taken in school time so the NRP / RP doesn't have to worry about the school run and can take their own DC on holiday?"

Well in my incredibly embittered from dealing with a Disney dad ex opinion Wink, I think an NRP should just fucking suck up the inconvenience of getting their own child to school/normal family life just like the RP has to for the other 50 weeks of the year.

I freely admit I'm very bitter on that one tho.

stayathomegardener · 09/03/2015 11:35

Your lucky DH, DSS for two weeks and after that he can stay over night at weekends.Plus EW can have DSS if you both choose to go away.
The only penalty is it is going to be tough juggling the two weeks and will cost you.
A small price I think.

Dr0pThePirate · 09/03/2015 11:35

Can you believe the effrontery of this little boy with two parents, neither of whom want him over easter holidays, still needing somewhere to go?!?!

What a cheek, doesn't he understand adults have complicated lives and he's not the centre of them Hmm Angry

kim147 · 09/03/2015 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 09/03/2015 11:36

Well in future she won't be able to refuse to have him stay, will she? So that's one good thing to come out of this.

And yes, she was BU not to have given him a longer notice period.

LBOCS · 09/03/2015 11:36

No, I don't think she is being reasonable.

In a world where both the parents were together, one of them would not be working (her) and one of them would (him). The non working parent would provide childcare.

The fact that they've split up shouldn't affect that. She has chosen to go away during the Easter holidays, when she knows full well that her ex works and her DS will require some form of care, which is not in place at the moment. So yes, it is unreasonable for her to expect him to take time off to look after his DS, especially as (presumably) long term visits aren't part of the plan at the moment due to her not wanting DS to stay over (unless it suits her).

I have no solution for this situation but I'd suggest that going forward you get an access agreement in place. At least then there are no grey areas about who is responsible when (fwiw, we have my DSS for half of all 'main' holidays and all half terms. We have childcare set up well in advance of this because we know about it).

kindersurprises · 09/03/2015 11:38

She is being completely unreasonable. I'm amazed that anyone would think otherwise.

She has booked a very long holiday, for a parent of a small child, without any discussion with the other parent as regards who will look after her son. It would make no difference if they were together or not. I can't believe that anyone would think it acceptable for mother or father in a marriage/ partnership to do this either and simply announce it and assume that the other partner will organise everything. It is appallingly selfish and inconsiderate to everyone.

I think your DP is totally within his rights to say no unless she can come up with arrangements for the day time when he will be at work. Poor child!

x2boys · 09/03/2015 11:39

Precisley moomin but this is mumsnet and mother's are always right and fathers wrong apparently!

TheJiminyConjecture · 09/03/2015 11:40

I don't think some people realise how hard it can be to get time off work regardless of being self employed/employed. I know that if I fancied a child free holiday in 3 weeks DH wouldn't be able to get 2 weeks annual leave approved as it is all booked up. ExDh is in the police so annual leave can and does get cancelled. So that leaves Exs DP responsible for looking after my children. Not exactly fair. Especially when it's dictated not discussed

x2boys · 09/03/2015 11:42

Saucy the father isn't allowed to get up his own child usually because the mum won't let him stay apart from when its coveniant to her!

Fauxlivia · 09/03/2015 11:44

If you make plans that involve someone else having to alter their plans, then of course you ask first. She is massively unreasonable to book it and just assume it will be okay.

Also access arrangements exist for a reason - so everybody knows where they stand. If it is altered, it needs to be with the consent of both parties.

I also think that no one has a right to go on holiday without their child. If you are a parent then your child goes with you. Now if your dp asks her to cover his time with ds so he can go away then it's fair to reciprocate, but dates have to be mutually agreed.

Call me odd, but I would hate not to see kids for 2 weeks - can't imagine choosing to do it. I'd like my kids to be on holiday with me.

kinkyfuckery · 09/03/2015 11:47

Hahah no OP I meant your DP, though maybe you do want to spend time with your ex - I won't judge Wink

If your DP really can't take 2 weeks off work, how about you? Do you have annual leave available?

HedgehogsDontBite · 09/03/2015 11:48

I think 2 weeks full time looking after his own child is the perfect opportunity for your DP to establish a pattern of having his child overnight. He should see it as a gift.

CantBeBotheredThinking · 09/03/2015 11:53

I'm sure if he tried he could arrange childcare that would enable him to continue working. - school run find a childminder near the school or a before and after school club who could cover a longer day so dad can do the commute. It isn't impossible, yes I do think it's short notice but he is a parent and the assumption should be both responsible for caring for the child.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 11:56

Not especially kinky, although I would appriciate it if my ex spent more time with his children!

I know DP will be very busy in the holidays, as will I as I have literally just started a new job (catering) so there will be zero opportunity for me to take time off.

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 09/03/2015 11:57

Kinky How is it fair on either the dc or the op for her to be in charge for 2 weeks? One parent swanning off on holiday, one parent working and being left with someone you see for a few hours on a weekend because you're not allowed to stay over at their home. Big jump to 2 weeks of 1-2-1

kim147 · 09/03/2015 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2015 12:09

Those of you saying the boy's mum is NBU, have you missed the part where she refuses to let him stay at his dad's house until it suits her so she can galivant off on holiday without him?

No, and I said that was unreasonable.

What I wonder is why the child is 6 and the father hasn't pushed the point of overnight stays. The mother has no right to refuse these.

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 12:17

When they first broke up soup, DP was staying at places where it wasn't appropriate or possible for Dss to stay overnight. Now we've moved it is possible as he has his own room :)

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 09/03/2015 12:21

Has she got any reasonable justification at all for not letting him stay?

SoupDragon · 09/03/2015 12:24

Now we've moved it is possible as he has his own room

So why isn't he?