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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP's ex is bu?

222 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 10:34

DP's ex and her boyfriend have booked a v. expensive 2 week holiday around easter holidays.

She is expecting DP to take 2 weeks off work so he can look after their DS so she she can go on holiday.

DP is self employed so doesn't get any holiday pay etc and if he doesn't work for 2 weeks he won't get any money! Dp has said he will have ds as normal on the weekends but for the rest of the time she will have to make other arrangements.

She has also said doesn't want ds staying at our place overnight (we have just moved) but then wants him to stay with us for 2 weeks?

I thought I might be a bit close to the situation so I'm wondering if Aibu or if she is for expecting DP to lose 2 weeks of pay so she can go on holiday!

OP posts:

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 16:20

I think it's really mean to go away for 2 weeks without her DS.

Sweetpea01 · 09/03/2015 16:28

OP has stated that were they to go on holiday, they would skip contact arrangements and make it up to the child the following week. Is this not putting the mother out in a similar way? By dad skipping out on 'his' days to holiday without his child?

I think the mum in this situation HAS been very selfish and unreasonable. But it doesn't detract from the fact that this child NEEDS someone to look after him. If dad doesn't have him then mum would have to cancel her trip. But if she doesn't? Then fair or not, right or not, Dad HAS to have him.

clam · 09/03/2015 16:30

Mum shouldn't have booked the trip in the first place without making sure his dad could have him.

Sweetpea01 · 09/03/2015 16:30

Maybe the mum in this situation 'assumed' dad would just have their child. Many NRPs seem to 'assume' that RP will. Neither one is more or less negligent.

Damnautocorrect · 09/03/2015 16:30

2 weeks without mum at 6 seems a long time.
My oh is self employed and we've never had a 2 week holiday, we just can't afford the losses. I think the lack of notice and 2 weeks is the unreasonable bit. I think sharing the school holidays is how it should be and this should be decided (with a bit of flexibility) in August/ sept for the school year.

I think between the two of you your just going to have to deal with it, holiday clubs, days off and favours.

Bogeyface · 09/03/2015 16:34

I suspect the reason she doesnt want the boy staying over is because any overnights reduce the amount of maintenance he will have to pay.

And SIBU. If they had agreed it in advance and the DP could plan for it then fine, but she didnt.

She clearly isnt arsed about her son if she is happy to swan off for a fortnight without him and his care while she is away is an afterthought.

heidiwine · 09/03/2015 16:35

I've also just read the whole OP.
She doesn't let ex have his son overnight. That is totally out of order. Your DP needs to try and get a contact order in place as soon as he can.
She's behaving in a ridiculous manner and it's downright unreasonable..

popalot · 09/03/2015 16:42

YANBU, his mum's put her own ds in a sad situation. Why is this all so sudden? She should have taken him with her. If she decides she wants to go off with bf or whatever, she should ask if people are available to have her ds. Poor boy. Your dp will probably have to take the time off I'm afraid, whatever the economic impact. He can tell her what he thinks about it all, tho. No harm in giving her a piece of his mind about forward planning. But then she prob won't understand if she doesn't work. Then he can look at it another way and try and spend some quality time with his ds that he might not normally get (besides weekend).

Changeofscenery34 · 09/03/2015 16:43

No clam perhaps not evil but certainly saying in a round about way that she doesn't care for her ds as she isn't taking him along.
Can I ask why you think she is negligent?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 09/03/2015 16:44

When did she tell your DP that she'd booked the holiday?

In principle, I don't think she's UR. They're both parents and if the DC is ever ill, she has to make arrangements at much shorter notice than the notice your DP has been given.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with going on holiday without your child if you make sure they're properly looked after, especially by the other parent or a close family member. I'm doing it myself in a few months. Even resident parents are allowed a break.

StarOnTheTree · 09/03/2015 16:54

Maybe the mum in this situation 'assumed' dad would just have their child. Many NRPs seem to 'assume' that RP will. Neither one is more or less negligent.

Well said Sweetpea

clam · 09/03/2015 16:54

Because she has booked to go away on holiday without making appropriate and firm arrangements for her son. She has assumed his father can have him, and that is not so very different from those cases you hear about in the news of children being left 'home alone' whilst a parent goes away, and sometimes "a misunderstanding" is quoted.

TheJiminyConjecture · 09/03/2015 16:56

But if she doesn't work there's no arrangements to be made if her ds is ill.

She is the rp and is just as entitled to a child free holiday as any other parent, resident or not. However, part of the deal when you have dc is their care has to be figured into every plan you Make. Whether this is a holiday, a meal out or a hospital appointment, you ensure that you have care or you can not go.

clam · 09/03/2015 16:57

And I don't think there's anything wrong with going on holiday without your child if you make sure they're properly looked after,

But she hasn't made sure of this yet. She's just booked it and hoped for the best. Although I suspect she had someone else lined up for the childcare (as to date she hasn't wanted the ds to stay overnight at his dad's) who has let her down, so she's desperate and has abandoned her principle and decided to dump the "problem" on the OP's dp.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 09/03/2015 17:07

Hadn't seen that she doesn't work, so fair point.

I'd personally wager that her DM has already said she'll look after the DC if OP's DP doesn't...their living arrangements seem to allow for that. I agree that it's poor form for her to book it without having a quick chat with her ex, but if she has a fall back plan of her DM stepping in instead, there's no problem.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/03/2015 17:13

The ex sounds controlling to me and seems happy to use the child as a pawn in her game. (dons flame proof coat)

Ouchbloodyouch · 09/03/2015 17:17

Simple. Tell ex you can do one week but not two!
Although I would refuse both if overnights aren't allowed unless it suits her.

Changeofscenery34 · 09/03/2015 17:40

clam fair enough,
I agree that she hasnt made proper arrangements but did anyone think that perhaps she only asked ops dh because she thought it was what he wanted dss to stay with him now he has somewhere suitable to live.

In my own personal experience this was the only reason I asked my ex to take care of dcs as he had nowhere suitable to live (still doesn't lives in a bedsit with gf) but he always complained that I asked other family members to look after them instead of him.

MsJudgementalPants · 09/03/2015 18:00

What sort of parent goes on holiday for 2 weeks without their children?

Charlotte3333 · 09/03/2015 18:05

MsJudgementalPants I've just read the whole thread thinking the exact same thing. DS1 goes to his Dad's every few weekends or so, and we share him pretty amicably between us, nobody is forced to cancel plans or work, but neither of us has ever taken a fortnight's holiday without him, he even came on honeymoon with DH and I. It's not what I'd consider normal leaving a 6 year old for two weeks.

clam · 09/03/2015 18:10

"did anyone think that perhaps she only asked ops dh because she thought it was what he wanted dss to stay with him now he has somewhere suitable to live."

Did she chuff! She's been let down by someone else and is stuck. That's why she's asked - no, told him he has to do it.

fedupbutfine · 09/03/2015 18:11

Because she has booked to go away on holiday without making appropriate and firm arrangements for her son

I think the OP has made it clear that it is unlikely they would have agreed to have him. What then? She only gets to go when the ex says? If I waited for my ex to agree to me having some me time, I'd wait for the rest of my life! Never ceases to amaze me that the OP and her partner are able to get on with their lives very nicely without being encumbered with childcare or anything else, but are more than happy to criticise the ex when she wants some free time as well. I would guarentee that the OP and her partner have been able to spend time alone together...why shouldn't her ex do the same with a new boyfriend?

What sort of parent goes on holiday for 2 weeks without their children?

seriously? it is pretty common for separated parents to go on holiday with a new partner without children. This would the normal run of things in relationships where they are no children, I don't know why it's such a huge thing when there are children. Plenty of non-separated parents also go on holiday without their children. That is their choice to make, as parents. Are you going to suggest they are poor parents as well?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 09/03/2015 18:13

So parents absolutely must take their DC on every holiday they go on? I'm obviously a shite mother!

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 18:23

It's just a bit mean and it suggests that the exes DP isn't going to be much of a father figure for the DS. I felt guilty going to Paris for the weekend without my DS. I felt he missed out.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 09/03/2015 18:27

Or perhaps they are going on a romantic holiday? Not every holiday is family friendly.

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