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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's ex is bu?

222 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 10:34

DP's ex and her boyfriend have booked a v. expensive 2 week holiday around easter holidays.

She is expecting DP to take 2 weeks off work so he can look after their DS so she she can go on holiday.

DP is self employed so doesn't get any holiday pay etc and if he doesn't work for 2 weeks he won't get any money! Dp has said he will have ds as normal on the weekends but for the rest of the time she will have to make other arrangements.

She has also said doesn't want ds staying at our place overnight (we have just moved) but then wants him to stay with us for 2 weeks?

I thought I might be a bit close to the situation so I'm wondering if Aibu or if she is for expecting DP to lose 2 weeks of pay so she can go on holiday!

OP posts:
clam · 09/03/2015 19:27

Purplesky Where are you getting these bits from?

"her ex has not pulled his weight in child care at all."
"But he never had his son as it's not been convenient..."

Sallystyle · 09/03/2015 19:30

Purple you are projecting.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:32

From further up the thread .... The OP states that until they moved her do could never have his son to stay. Then she says they moved three weeks ago and the DSs has stayed one night during this time, but refused to stay again and they don't know why.
So he had not had his son overnight as it has not been convenient until three weeks ago and that really sounds like he has not been pulling his weight to me ... The OP paints the ex as being at fault but in reality it is the ops dp that has not been pulling his weight in childcare

kim147 · 09/03/2015 19:32

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pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:33

Not projecting at all U2.

kim147 · 09/03/2015 19:33

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pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:34

How is that projecting?

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:35

Yes Kim I know that very well but the OP is making this the exes fault for her not allowing DSs to stay when the reality is that is not entirely true ...

kim147 · 09/03/2015 19:36

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kim147 · 09/03/2015 19:37

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letscookbreakfast · 09/03/2015 19:38

I'm sorry but if an ex expected me to take unpaid leave for two weeks whilst she goes on holiday and she only gave me a few weeks notice. Whilst I was already struggling to earn above minimum wage I'd say no unless she covers my lost earnings. I like how she's become more rational now her holiday is approaching and she's left it to the last minute to ask.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:42

Kim the OP stated that her DP could not have him to stay.
If you read my first post it says 'just a few thoughts' more just pondering on the bias if the OP I guess.
If I had come on and said 'exh hasn't had DS overnight for x months, just got a new house and had DS for first time, DS had come back and said he won't go again what should I do?' Would it be treated differently? (Personally last thing I would do is book a holiday but maybe the ex wife had had enough). I guess that was my point

KittensOnAPlane · 09/03/2015 19:43

I think the main issue is that ex has arranged something for herself, which inconveniences others (ie dp having to sort care out etc) Yes i get he is the child father, but he still needs to be given notice to care.

I am surprised that she would go away for 2 weeks, leaving her 6yr old.

clam · 09/03/2015 19:43

"he had not had his son overnight as it has not been convenient"

No, because he was living in accommodation that was not appropriate, apparently. Quite who made that call is unclear. And in order to maintain contact, he still saw his son all of Saturday and all of Sunday EOW (plus one day the other weekend), taking him home to sleep inbetween days. That sounds to me like someone who was going out of his way to ensure contact still happened, despite conditions not being ideal.

kim147 · 09/03/2015 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 20:10

Hence me saying Kim that personally in those circumstances I would not have book a holiday but I do think the OP mislead the thread by saying that DSs was not allowed to stay when he actually had in the three weeks he was able.
Clam he still had not had DS over night ... And that is tough on the mother. The OP leads us to think it is all the exes fault but it seems to me like there is more to the story - although the holiday thing is wrong but maybe she just reached the end if her tether??

clam · 09/03/2015 20:33

I just don't understand how, if the ex has been reluctant to let him stay with his dad, (and I'm a bit Hmm as to how much of that is down to the accommodation on offer and how much is her just being reluctant to let go/controlling the situation), why she is taking what seems to me to be a massive leap of sending him there for two whole weeks.

jigsawlady · 09/03/2015 20:40
  1. its wrong to change pre-arranged access arrangements without consulting ths other party (mum doing it to dad or visa vera)
  1. its wrong to commit a 6yr old to spend 2 whole weeks somewhere were he has only stayed overnight once
  1. its wrong that the notice is so short that the dad is going to lose out financially and hasnt been able to budget around or plan for this.

I cant believe anyone is defending the mum, everything she has done is wrong. the dad does have a duty of care and should be lookong after / paying a % of childcare in holidays but there is no suggestion that he didnt want to have his dc stay and wouldnt be willing to pay childcare if it was required. having a go at the dad for being put out that he will lose out financially due to not being told in good time is ridiculous. you can make up scenarios about why it might be justified and what he owes based on what he contributes and his current involvement or responsibility but all you are doing is making up facts to go along with your point.

the main facts of the case are above. these facts = mum is being thoughtless and selfish

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 20:44

Me too clam which I is why I looked at what the op had drip fed about the three weeks and the DS having stayed already ... The ex has allowed DS to stay as soon as it was possible but DS no longer wants to stay ... So has the ex been reluctant or has it just been circumstance? As someone said to the op up thread she sounds very bitter against the ex. Which is why I wondered if she had children (am sure she says she does) and who looks after them?
Maybe the op and her DP have been reluctant and the ex just has had enough? Baptism of Fire and all that. But I agree it is wrong to expect - but her actions sound like frustration to me. Wonder how long op and her DP have been together?

My ex could have had DS but chose not too. He was house sharing with someone DS knew really well (been on holiday with etc) and friend offered that DS could have his own room. Ex decided he needed to get himself sorted out first - I.e. Party, join bands and sleep around - he moves in to his new place next month and is most put out that DS realky has no interest in staying with him.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 20:46

Also Easter is four weeks away. How long does she have to book in advance?

kindersurprises · 09/03/2015 20:50

What jigsawlady said.

There is a huge amount of projecting going on here from certain posters.
Some of you may well have terrible ex partners who don't pull their weight/ contribute at all and that is terrible but it is nothing to do with this thread.

This mother has one 6 year old, doesn't work at all and lives with her mother who regularly looks after her child for her. He also sees his father for most of the weekend. It doesn't sound too stressful to me.

I understand that she wants to spend time with her new partner but 2 weeks seems an excessive and unfair amount of time to leave her son for a holiday. Still, that is her choice.

What is unforgivable is that he has made plans for the holiday without any thought of arranging proper care for her son. It is ridiculous to simply assume that her ex will look after her son. She knows perfectly well that he is working and that his new partner is also working. It is nothing to do with him 'pulling his weight'. He is working hard and contributing financially to his upbringing as well as caring for him most weekends when he not busy working.

kindersurprises · 09/03/2015 20:53

What a coincidence, eh clam

The OP has clearly said that she is a single mum with more than one child, one of whom has a disability and that her ex is pretty useless. She is obviously no stranger to looking after and taking responsibility for children.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 21:32

Kinder I am not projecting at all. My ex h is not terrible, he is a great dad just very misguided! I have no issues.

But as I have said all along we only get one side of the story - whether you think it stressful or not having a child every night without a break is very tiring. The ex does all the school runs etc. I have also said that I think the ex is wrong to book a two week holiday - but not knowing the whole story, reading some of the ops comments and being able to formulate an opinion I just think there is more to it ...

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/03/2015 22:26

I just think there is more to it

this could be said about the majority of threads on MN, there comes a point where we have to take what is said at face value or what is the point.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 22:42

But a lot of people appear to have missed a couple of big points and that is that it has been three weeks and DSs did stay ....