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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP's ex is bu?

222 replies

ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 10:34

DP's ex and her boyfriend have booked a v. expensive 2 week holiday around easter holidays.

She is expecting DP to take 2 weeks off work so he can look after their DS so she she can go on holiday.

DP is self employed so doesn't get any holiday pay etc and if he doesn't work for 2 weeks he won't get any money! Dp has said he will have ds as normal on the weekends but for the rest of the time she will have to make other arrangements.

She has also said doesn't want ds staying at our place overnight (we have just moved) but then wants him to stay with us for 2 weeks?

I thought I might be a bit close to the situation so I'm wondering if Aibu or if she is for expecting DP to lose 2 weeks of pay so she can go on holiday!

OP posts:
clam · 09/03/2015 18:28

I'm absolutely not suggesting parents must always take their kids away when they go. Dh and I have had more than a few trips away. But at 6yo? Maybe a night or two for a special occasion when hands-on lovely mil would have had them. And certainly never without expressly asking her well in advance and making sure it was all absolutely watertight. We only started going away for slightly longer periods when they were much older.

But never for two weeks - even now they're 16 and 18 (for wholly different reasons, mind! Don't fancy my lovely house being the subject of a Daily Mail "Party from Hell" article!)

clam · 09/03/2015 18:30

By "romantic holiday," cupid you actually mean she's putting a two-week shag-athon ahead of ensuring her son is cared for appropriately.

fedupbutfine · 09/03/2015 18:35

I'm obviously a shite mother!
No, cupid, that's reserved for single mothers, which is what this thread is all about. No one has dared say it directly but it's what they're thinking...how dare she have a life, eh?! Fine for the ex to have a life and a new partner and to not have any worry of day to day childcare or anything else, but should the MOTHER dare to get herself a bit of a life, she's just doing a shite job.

It's just a bit mean and it suggests that the exes DP isn't going to be much of a father figure for the DS

why? because he wants to spend sometime with his girlfriend on their own? You know, like a normal couple, just starting out? See above. Let's go round in circles. ....

But at 6yo? Maybe a night or two for a special occasion when hands-on lovely mil would have had them

But you're not separated, are you? And trying to juggle all the balls? She's not a shite parent for just wanting what other people have. Single-parenthood was thrust upon me by an unfaithful husband and I do the best I can. I'm not a shite mother just because I'd like a close relationship with an adult and some emotional support alongside it. And sex sometimes, perhaps. That would be nice. My ex has all of that - why shouldn't I?

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 18:40

I'm a single mum too but I still like to take my DS with me on holiday, and my ex takes him on holiday too.
It's nothing to do with being a single parent it's just not very nice to not include a 6 year old on a two week holiday.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 09/03/2015 18:41

She's hardly leaving her DC in the care of a canary clam. She's arranging for the child's father to parent him in a house where he's so welcome he even has his own bedroom. So if she wants a shagathon, her child is properly cared for. Us single mums have no obligation to run all our plans past our exes. And if OP's DP can't or won't make arrangements, the ex and her DC live with her DM who I'm sure will make sure he's looked after and who I'm sure he's comfortable, living with her and all!

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 18:42

Fed up; does your ex ever have the DCs? Just asking as I actually get more child free time than my friends that are still together. EOW and some of the school hols.
If it's just relentless because ex doesn't have your DCs then I see your point of view more.

fedupbutfine · 09/03/2015 18:43

I'm a single mum too but I still like to take my DS with me on holiday, and my ex takes him on holiday too

So do I. So does my ex. I also have time with my new partner. My ex has time with his new partner. Fuck all wrong with that.

clam · 09/03/2015 18:45

fedup It's nothing to do with being a single parent - I think you're projecting a bit there.
Of course she can go on holiday if she wants, (although married or not, I wouldn't have wanted to leave mine for two whole weeks and believe me, I'm not a helicopter parent by any means). This thread is about how she went about it. She just booked a trip without, seemingly, even considering what the possible outcome might be for her son. I can't get my head around that. And this is a woman who, apparently, is so precious about her ds that she won't allow him to stay overnight with his own father? Hmm

clam · 09/03/2015 18:50

"She's arranging for the child's father to parent him in a house where he's so welcome he even has his own bedroom."

Yes, the house that she has not allowed him to stay overnight in so far. Until, oh yes, it suits her.

clam · 09/03/2015 18:52

And don't forget, she's "arranged for the child's father to parent him" without doing him the courtesy of actually discussing it with him first. If it was normal practice for them to box and cox and share parenting, then it might, just might have been OK. but this is a woman who so far has refused to allow "her" son to stay with his father.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 09/03/2015 18:55

Has it not occurred to you that she's taken on board his frustration about not having allowed him to stay there and is now being a bit more rational about it? Or should she have continued to not allow it out of sheer pigheadedness?

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/03/2015 19:02

and it just happens to co inside with her two week holiday Hmm

worridmum · 09/03/2015 19:03

bullshit you vipers are trying to justify yourseleves when you have been over the top I feel sorry for the OP as I would not put anyone in that postion.

it would of been fine if she had given him a few months notice so he could rejig work commitments but doing so on such short notice how many of you would easily be able to get 2 weeks of work with only 3 weeks notice ? i doubt its very many of you and why should the NRP be saddled with the costs of the RP holiday can you imaigne the uproar on this forum if the RP had to cover costs of the NRP holiday?

And how many of you can afford to take a 2 week loss of income without proir notice i doubt its very many of you.

Shame on you for having a go at the childs father for the unreasonable behaviour of the Mother. The Mother sounds like a twat of the highest under demand that the son doesnt stay over unless it suits her.

clam · 09/03/2015 19:07

"is now being a bit more rational about it?"

"A bit" more rational? She's gone from no overnights at all (whereby his dad has to drop him home in the evening and then go all the way over to collect him again next morning), to a whole fortnight uninterrupted, which just so happens to coincide with her holiday.

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 19:09

Fed up because if the new DP is going to be a part of exes life he had to realise that she comes as a package with her DS. It just seems like the DC is being excluded to me, in this case. Nothing against it in theory.

Changeofscenery34 · 09/03/2015 19:11

Can I just point out that the reason dss mum didn't want overnights because Ops Dp didn't have anywhere stable to live until 3 weeks ago when he moved in with op.

Charley50 · 09/03/2015 19:12

And she hasn't thought how the DS might feel. Yes I'm sure he loves his dad but as he has never stayed overnight with him before don't you think it might be a bit hard for him emotionally to suddenly be staying for two weeks, and not be able to see his mum if he misses her?
And doing a very long journey to and from school for the first week?

NewNameForMarch · 09/03/2015 19:14

I think it's totally unreasonable of the ex to tell op's dp that he's having their son on days that haven't been previously agreed. But only if op's dp shows the same courtesy to the ex. The op mentioned that on the days her dp can't have his son they make it up another time. If he just informs the ex (without discussing it) that he isn't having his son on his day then he is behaving in the exact same way and can't complain if she does the same.

clam · 09/03/2015 19:16

"the reason dss mum didn't want overnights because Ops Dp didn't have anywhere stable to live until 3 weeks ago when he moved in with op."

OK, so I guess we need to know if she's allowed any overnights since then.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:18

Just a few thoughts...

OP do you have children and who looks after them ?

The OP also said that they have been in the house three weeks and prior to that her DP couldn't have him stay, have you not been together long OP? So hardly bad mum for nit letting DS stay - in fact OP says ...

...... The DC has stayed the night once in the three weeks they have lived in the new place but went home and there was an issue but they don't know what it was? Why has your DP not insisted on finding out?

There is more to this story

maddening · 09/03/2015 19:19

Could someone eg dps mum or dsis have ds's in the weekdays with him staying at yours so dp doesn't have to lose work but will get to spend evenings with him and enjoy having him stay over - especially if it might change the overnight stay status quo?

Original poster
ApignamedJasper · 09/03/2015 19:20

Just as an add, this is not in any way having a go at single mothers, I am one myself! My exH lives with his gf miles away, doesn't see the kids or pay child support and I have no friends and family to help out. One of my DC's is severely disabled so I know what it is like to desperately need a break but she has waaaay more child free time than I ever get! Not that that is anything to do with this situation but you know what I mean :)

OP posts:
pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:20

Clam - yes her DSs stayed one night and then didn't want to stay again - perhaps mum just needs time out as her ex has not pulled his weight in child care at all. It's about time he did. My ex has not had DS overnight in over a year it is really hard work

Sallystyle · 09/03/2015 19:21

I think 2 weeks full time looking after his own child is the perfect opportunity for your DP to establish a pattern of having his child overnight. He should see it as a gift.

A gift? I'm not so sure I would see it as a gift if I lost two weeks wages. So dad has to try to re-arrange his work schedule, struggle financially and risk the loss of business that might occur if people get pissed of with him re-arranging things. Being able to have him overnight would be great, but losing wages and struggling financially at such short notice is not a gift.

I would never, ever have done this to my ex. I would never have expected him to take two weeks off work at short notice so I could go on holiday without our children. He had a living to make so she could help support our children, I would never be so selfish to expect him to lose two weeks wages without discussing if he can cope with two weeks loss first.

It shocks me that anyone would think this is reasonable, but like someone above said, on MN the men and step parent are always wrong and the mum always right.

No one should be expected to lose two weeks wages at such a short notice.

pieceofpurplesky · 09/03/2015 19:23

But he never had his son as it's not been convenient ...